OT: Does In-laws judging ever stop?
Hi, It has been a while since I have been on this site. Mostly becasuse busy but other part is because I am not a SM. For those new I was a SM who adopted SS a few years ago.
I have been legally mom for going on 3 years now. I have been around for since he was 7.5 and now he is 13. My DH and I still get judged constantly by my in-laws on how we raise him and deal with him. We also had another son a year ago. DS13 loves his little brother, he helps when he wants to, he will play with him when he feels like it, when DS1 is crying and my hands are full with making dinner DS13 will try to pick him up and get him to calm down most times. All is good there.
DS13 almost got suspended last schol year for his disruptive behaviors, part of it was not being physically in school most of the year. We have had a lot on our plate dealing with his problems and some of his issues. We are doing the best we can, but the in-laws still continue to judge us and tell us that we are too hard on him, we need to pay more attention to him, or we shouldnt correct his attitude at times. Mind you they all now live in seperate states and are not even near us anymore, several states away. It is not just me, they say things for DH too about, do not break him, MIL feels sad for DS13, the aunt thinks we need to spend one on one time with him at least once a week, and it goes on and on.
I am just asking does it ever end the in-laws who were once so involved and helped raise DS13 ever just stop at some point or do I need to just accept that it will be like this the rest of my life. I may just be sensitive but I still feel they do not really see me or DH as his parents. Any thoughts on any of this?
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Comments
Grey rock them
When they start passing remarks, respond with something bland, like "Thanks for voicing your concerns" and then change to the subject to talk about the weather.
And if they don't take the
And if they don't take the hint, hang up. If they are staying with you, cut the visit short and don't invite them to stay in your home again in the future.
One silver lining, Ash: you are DS's mom, and you have every right to tell them to shut their trap. Don't forget you have that power and use it. As DS gets older and has less time with them/more personality, the higher likelihood is that he'll ignore their suggestions, too.
Thank you, I just need the
Thank you, I just need the reassurance once in a while that we are doing the right thing. I hate for both my sons to not have a good relationship with them but I also will not stop being a parent to my kids to suit them.
Both my DH and I think that
Both my DH and I think that we succeeded despite our parents. We both have our issues that we are aware of and are trying not to perpetuate them.
In-laws are always going to have something to say especially in a step situation where they feel extra protective of the stepchild even if you have adopted them. Just have confidence in your own parenting ability and have the confidence to ignore their comments or keep them at a distance if they are trying to meddle in your home life.
Your DH needs to tell them to
Your DH needs to tell them to butt out, you two are capable of raising him just fine without their input.
So 1) I remember you! <3
So 1) I remember you! <3
2) I'm with everyone else. DH needs to tell them to butt out and then it's grey rocking. No reactions and just keep doing the awesome job you do with your son
No, it doesn't end, at least
No, it doesn't end, at least not without some hurt feelings and possibly resentment.
As with your DH, my DH's family was heavily involved with firstborn OSD. He was a dad and married at only eighteen. The newlyweds lived with FIL and DH's sisters, who all doted on OSD. Between work and school, DH allowed himself to be marginalized. He became the outsider, while THEY were the core family, which led to many problems down the road.
It's as if these family members cling to a dynamic that no longer exists, and while it affects YOU, only your DH has the power (and responsibility) to change this. He needs to have firm boundaries, challenge their thinking about what's best for his son, and insist they support rather than subvert. You should keep things light, superficial, and distant with them. And sadly, be prepared for your son to possibly choose them when he's older. I wouldn't be surprised if low level alienation has been going on all along, with them thinking of ways to "rescue" your poor son.
I do not think the do
I do not think the do alienation or say bad things when we are not around. I guess I can give them credit for at least keeping it to our faces. LOL. I can see DS13 choosing to be close to the Aunt as he gets older, she will give him everything she can to make him happy. I can see her being the type to always bail him out if he ever needs it. Hope it never come to that.
DS will not choose the grandparents though, he gets annoyed with his grandmother easily, hates that she drinks so much and gets annoying, that is from him not me. Hell he lived with it for several years. He really hates that she smoke and they live in a elderly person community so no extended guests.
None of them at this point are suited to care for him and give him the amount of attention he needs anyway. Hell aunt works like 70 to 80 hour weeks like half the year, the grandparents they are old and no where have the energy to keep up. If they only knew who DH and I chose as guardians in case of anything, they would not be happy at all, especially the Aunt. Again we will always do what is best for out children. Thanks