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SS9 becoming more and more reckless

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 7:24am

This morning I was doing stuff getting ready to get to work and what not. I see SS9 soon to be 10 coloring a piece of paper on the table for the upcoming world cup. He was making a sign for his fave team. Ok whatever. At first I did not give it much thought and than I realized he was using the permanent maker I had bought for his one school project. When I bought them I told him he needs to be careful.

Anyway I am standing about 10 or more feet away and see a spot I know is not suppose to be there. I walk away do the one last thing I had to do to get out the door and went over to the table pointed at it and said what is this. He touches it and yup blue permanent marker on his finger. That is when I see there is more all over the table.

This table is the one new thing SO and I got when we moved into the house. It was a gift from my mom and g-mom. I saw red everywhere and told SS to stop what he was doing and get in the car. He asked can I take this I said leave it and get in the car before I lose it. I had a few stern words with him in the car with him about how he needs to be aware of what he is doing. I did not lay down punishment yet...I am waiting to get home to talk to his dad.

Here is my issue with my SS and has been for a long time. Many of you may say hey it is kids being kids. I know my brother and I were not that careless at that age. SS is so reckless constantly, does not watch where he is walking, had no idea that when he jumps around he will, can and has hurt himself. He has come close to putting a whole in the wall, spills stuff constantly, makes a huge mess when he eats, and so much more. I know all this sound picky but he is going to be 10 he should know when coloring with marker of any kind be careful and put paper under it.

I know where this comes from, when he lived with the g-parents there was never any consequences for his behavior. He broke 7 out of 8 chairs on their high top table. never once got in trouble just stern talking to and they fixed it and allowed him to still crawl on the chairs and push up on them and do the same thing over and over again with out correcting him. SO is to blame here too and the aunt all of them. I sit and wonder what they hell were they all doing and thinking. Didn't any of them realize that by not correcting these behaviors they would only get worse with time and be destructive. This is my one real struggle with being a step-mom. Having to teach SS how to be responsible and aware of the things he is doing. SO is doing it too not just me and he even sees the mistakes that were made by not being more involved and on-top of these little things years ago.

Yes he is boy and a kid, trust me I get all that. There stuff he does that reminds me of what like a 5 year old would do and there are times where is really growing up. Sorry just so pissed off that my year old dinning room table now has marker all over it. Yes I know I probably can get it out. None of that changes the fact that I have a soon to be 10 year old still constantly just not having any idea of what he is doing. SO and I have corrected so many times over and over we just repeat, like a record skipping and stuck on the same thing. k

Just a vent.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 7:45am

I think you need to be able to step back and understand that a lot of the stuff he does.. was condoned prior to you coming in the picture.  You said it's like he's 5... well then treat him like he is 5.  Don't treat him like "he should know better" because he wasn't taught to do any better.  So, for better or worse.. you have to teach him NOW.  

And, just because you remember yourself being better than this.. that doesn't necessarily mean that you were all that much better.  It was funny... I remember being a good student in HS.. but when I actually ran across my grades.. they were not quite as great as I remembered..lol.

So.. like FB said... you need to watch him more carefully to coach him on what to do before he gets into a problem and then if he does have an issue you make him correct it (to the extent he can).. you don't necessarily need to lose your crap on him... these are not things it sounds like he is willfully doing to damage your posessions... and if you help him learn appropriate actions.. maybe things will improve?

 

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 8:35am

Thanks

I am going to have to treat him like he is 5. I know I should not compare, it is hard. I think it is so much harder because I am a real control freak about some stuff. Not all things but I know people have gathered that about me on here. I think the biggest challenge for me being at Step-mom (a very involved full-time one) is dealing with behaviors that I never would have tolerated.

He is not doing anything on purpose I know this. He also was never taught to think things through, to be careful with certain things, to slow down for a minute and look at what he is doing. This stuff was never taught to him. Everyone just made excuses for him, like he is high energy (he is), he is a boy, he is a kid being a kid, his dad needs to deal with it when he gets home, and on and on.

I keep hoping it gets better and finally what SO and I have been saying for the last year will click. I could tell SS felt really bad about it. He got silent, and knew he really upset me. I do not think he likes to upset me. We will see what happens when SO and I are home tonight.

Jlbfinch's picture

Submitted by Jlbfinch on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 8:23am

Make him pay for the cleaning supplies out of his own money, have him clean the table, and then put away the permanent markers—he can ask for permission to use them next time so y’all can go over the rules.  If you’re “seeing red” over this what will you do when he’s really messing up and the stakes are higher?  As parents we really can’t let our emotions rule us.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 8:45am

I say red because he has been told many times to put something under that paper and to be careful with markers. I saw red because this was an expensive gift from my family and our only brand new piece of furniture we got when we moved it. SO and SS know I love the table and I always say be careful when doing anything on the table.

He has done other things equally as bad but I did not see red. This time I did because I have been telling him almost every day for the last 2 weeks he needs to be more careful and aware of what he is doing. He was jumping around the house and throwing his socks in the air and slammed his elbow on the table and hurt himself. He was riding his bike and ran into the leaves of a palm tree and got all cut up on the head and arm. He was riding his bike at g-parents I was outside and his g-dad was going with him. He was not looking and cause a person turning to slam on the breaks. He spills his drinks a lot, I am about to buy him a baby sippy cup. Some of it is his age. They other part is when SO was out of town g-parents let him run all over the place, and did not supervise as they should. Hence last year putting his friend in the ER because he hit him with a metal bat. SO always supervises but he is also guilty before we moved in for being more passive about stuff as to not stir up the pot.

I was also raised way more strict than my SO by a lot.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 8:59am

In my line of work we have a few processes that might be good to tell him about.

A Pre-Job Briefing.  What are you going to do.  What are you trying to accomplish.  What could go wrong?  What would we do to correct those issues etc... Do we need a checklist?

Then after the job is completed a Post Job Briefing.

What was our result? did we accomplish our goal?  What went wrong? What went right?  What could we have done better or more efficiently.  What should we do differently next time.

If you teach him to be more methodical in his approach.. you will be able to remind him to "pre-job brief".. etc.. Of course you will need to walk him through this process many times for it to become habit.. but in the end you have taught him to be more aware.

 

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 9:01am

Thank you so much for the suggestion. I like this approach and have not tried it yet. I really do appreciate you saying this.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 9:03am

He's nine, soon to be ten. He's the age of a fifth grader here. The school supply list asks for markers, but specifies no permanent markers for this very reason. 

I got permanent marker on my kitchen counter. A Mr Clean Magic Eraser removed the mark. Not sure if it would work after the mark set, as I did it right away.

You could try covering the permanent mark with a dry erase marker and wiping off immediately. There is a solvent in the dry erase (that's why it erases) that often takes it off. I've seen this done on white boards at schools.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 9:52am

These markers were for a project and kept at home. They never went to school with him, I got them because he had a project and they were the only really fat markers I could find at the store.

Thank you for the suggestions.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 11:53am

What happened is the reason that the school supply list for fifth grade here specifies no permanent markers. SS is not the first, and will not be the last, to have markers mark what they shouldn't. (Example: me and my counter).

Give him a consequence for what he did. (Permanent removal of permanent markers from his possession would be one I'd do) Have him pay for the cost of the removal. But, realize that if you give a nine year old unfettered access to permanent markers, something is going to get marked. He may have done it, but you gave him the opportunity.

School supply sales are now. While they are on sale, pick up some extra washable markers, and stash them away. When the at home project needing markers presents itself, and it will,  you can grab them from your secret stash. 

My permanent markers are kept out of the grandkids' reach (both about SS's age). The markers for their use are washable. My rule of thumb is that drawing, coloring is for non permanent markers only. It's way too easy to mark off what you intend to mark.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 11:01am

I grew up in a house like a museum. When something even got dirty, we got our asses beaten. My mom was on us day and night. She didn't move stuff so her kids wouldn't break it -- she moved her kids. When my sister and I spilled milk on her freshly waxed floor, she says she knew she'd kill us if she beat us, so she threw the paddle instead. It hit my sister's toe and broke it. My sister was in a cast for a month.

I am just like my mom now, except I didn't have kids. Smart move on my part. I totally understand how you feel. I know it's just "stuff." But it's my stuff and I took care of it all these years. For a skid to come in and wreck it would infuriate me.

I would punish your SS. Punishment teaches. I wouldn't advocate beating him -- a big concession, right? -- but just a little punishment so he learns. It probably won't work the first time, but eventually, he might learn. And he will learn to take better care of his own nice things when he has them. It's important to train kids to take care of things and treat them with care be it a puppy, a vase or a baby sibling. Landfills are filled with kids' wreckage and parents just go out and buy more.

I'm sorry about your table. Others call us "rigid." So be it.