Make two columns - her/the kids expenses in one and a column for you. Total the monthly expenses and then show what each of you actually contribute towards the household. Put it in black and white for her.

I did this for my husband and myself and he quit complaining immediately when he realized that he was unable to contribute his fair share.

Sometimes we just assume finances are a certain way until you can actually see a budget. Trust me on this one.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

But let me get this straight... you pay her personal bills? Her cell phone, her car note, etc? I'm sorry, but if I were in a serious relationship I would still pay my personal bills. It's my car that I drive exclusively (I'm possessive of my car though), I pay it. It's my cell phone & no one else's name on it, I pay it. If my name is the only one on the insurance, I pay that too. My credit card, my charges, in my name... my problem. And I have always refused to pay someone else's personal expenses as well. If the finances go toward the home... lanline, internet, cable, utilities, groceries... then that can be shared. But that which is mine is my responsibility.

Cajun Lady

i dont agree with having someone else pay for my personal expenses and i dont pay my BF's personal expenses either...i dont know if this works in other peoples relationship but we kind of became 50/50 partners. we split rent and all of the house bills right down the center..i dont have any children so i dont have those extra bills and his daughter is in another state. he mails the CS out of his account...when she is here for summer i will take her out and not ask him for money but its' because it's a child i care for..if it were my niece or nephew that i was taking out i wouldnt ask my brothers or sisters for the money to take them out..but generally speaking while shes here for the entire summer, her father pays for the extra groceries, etc. now if something were to happen and he COULD NOT pay for her expenses, i love him and i would help..but that is because i trust him not to take advantage of my money..we really dont like to ask anyone for anything and we're both extremely independent...ofcourse he's still my man and takes me on dates and pays and things like that but bills..should be split in my opinion and for the most part she should be taking care of the expenses for her kids...and if she cant afford it..movies or skating shouldnt be a suggestion..maybe something more like take them to the park or the beach..(free) or other activities that dont cost so much money. over time i would think you might end up resenting her...10 years from now when you dont even know what it is to have savings anymore...it's not about not caring for her or the kids..it's about what's fair...u didnt have these children..and if she is having so much difficulty affording them perhaps she should revisit the CS orders on the kids fathers to see if an adjustment is necessary.

When we first married, after child support was taken out my DH didn't have any money left so I paid everything. Then he wanted me to move to North Carolina and I had a hard time finding a job so he paid for everything. Then we moved back to Georgia and the money was like a pool that we both dipped out of. Now that the Skids live with us... As soon as I can find another job that lets me come home nights it will be 50/50. Till then since I had to quit my job to care for his kids, he gets to pay ALL the bills plus CS since it hasn't been stopped yet.

Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns

Wow, Atlanta - I just read your other post and this one. You are in for a ride. I am actually the breadwinner in my family. A little role reversal, I guess, I have no children of my own, and married a man who has (now) an adult daughter. We didn't marry until she was 18 and out of the house. However, we lived togeter her last year of HS. So, I guess I feel like I can relate.

Well, anyway - now she is back. She has been for a little over a year, and I have a step-granddaughter now too!

Here is what I strongly recommend - keep the finances separate. I saw someone refer to the magic bill-paying fairies - oh man, my two tenants are so there. It has been a long hard year. And even now, we have come a long way. But if I allowed it, they would spend every dime I had, put me in debt, put all of us out of my house, and then blame me for it.

Over the last year, I have stopped paying for any and all of my DH's personal expenses except his cell phone. I put together a budget about every other month. I require him to share his income information with me and put together a budget of his money as well. We have identified the monthly household bills he is expected to cover. I pay it, and he writes me a check. I have started charging him for his daughter's college tuition as well (which I have been paying). Basically we are at 3/4...1/4 what I pay vs what he pays for our household. however, we are also 1/4 ... 3/4 for residency! (Him, his daughter, and his grand daughter). Sometimes it pisses me off.

So, here is my thought, it kind of sounds like she thinks you "owe" her. Not true. You decide your financial capabilities to contribute to the relationship, and set it there. Then hold to it. It is not selfish. And, amazingly enough - you don't owe her anything. And you don't owe her children anything. What you do to support you two as a couple is your choice. And, it sounds like you are the responsible one in the group, so lay it out.

My DH just about had a bird when I told him that I would be cutting off the cable TV and shutting down the internet unless he paid for it! He was PISSED! (He was also unemployed at the time.) And I told him the first time I have to make a truck payment is when the truck get's sold. (The loan is in my name). Anyway, even now. I here - I am mean, I can afford more. Why can't we get this, why can't we get that - from my DH! On the other hand, if I buy my grand child a present, it disappears. It isn't "good" enough or something. I don't know. The end result - nothing for no one. It is hard, and sometimes (ok often) it is discouraging. Well, SD will move out - in about three years I think. I should start a secret count down calendar.

And it has to be relevant to your situation. If you are not living together an occasional help out here and there is fine if you feel like that is what you want to do but it should not be expected by her.
I think if you live together and share a home that sharing expenses is fine.
The most important thing about your decision is that you are okay with it. You don't want to start resenting her because of something that you decided and she accepted.

Good luck,

Georgie

When DH and I were looking at getting married we sat down and did a budget. He brings in more than I do so we split the bills accordingly. We each pay our own "personal" bills. I am the one who pays groceries and some clothing for all the kids but he pays a larger portion of the mortgage. We have recently opened a savings (my first) account. I do not expect him to pay for my son's stuff and he doesn't expect me to pay for his kids stuff. (other than food and a teenager eats waaaaay more than the two munchkins). When I pay for stuff it is b/c I want to. We both budget our checking (we have seperate accounts... I lived through hell during my divorce b/c of a shared account) so that we know when/if we can get the extras. Child support is not consistantly paid on my behalf of my son and his kid's momma is only paying 1/2 of the state guidelines. We make due. I shop thrift shops, I buy bulk and we don't spend above our means. We are actually saving some money to have his vasectomy reversed. B/w the two of us our income is just over 55000.00. We live comfortably although it would be nice to have more savings..... son will be driving in just over a year... We're going to need another vehicle. A family can make it, but it takes not only communication but the willingness to pull more (even if its just a little more) than their weight. This is true of financial/emotional/parental responsibilities.

I wonder. If it wasn't for the fact that we step-parents end up paying for step-kids expenses, would we have as much of a problem?

If you married someone without kids, and then he or she became disabled and couldn't bring in an income anymore....would it upset us so much that we were paying more than our half of the bills? I don't think it would....

I occassionally grumble about the money stuff myself, so I understand, don't get me wrong....I work full time, my husband is a full time student, we get zero child support, and eleven-year olds cost a lot. Certainly, four years ago, when I was single, my income went a lot further. But I chose to get into this, with my eyes wide open.

I guess my point...if you can't handle the idea of having to pony up to support your step-kids financially to a certain degree, then you probably should get out now. JMO.