My relationship with my stepfather has been pretty strained for years. We have never seen eye to eye, because it seems that my eyes are open & his are closed. He did a good job of providing stability & teaching me responsibility, he was a decent man, & for that I appreciated him. But he always pushed me away, criticised me constantly & always set me up to fail. My mother tried to force a bond between us, but c'mon! It's just not there & it's not supposed to be there, because he's not my real father.

I guess what I'm saying is that providing some discipline is good, just remember to balance it with approval when they even remotely do well (that's positive reinforcement, not spoiling.) Remember that those who enforce the rules are usually not popular, so don't take that too personally. And if your GF is not supporting you then there will be a problem. You 2 have to be the tag team in this group.

Cajun Lady

Your GF (girlfriend) is a good woman. She is taking care of three kids all on her own and that is commendable. HOWEVER, her expectation of you treating her teenage children like your own is improbable. It is also not very fair to you.

I wouldn't stress about the kids thinking you're mean or you feeling that they aren't as perfect as mom thinks they are. Goes with the territory. It's hard as a parent to love our own teenager, let alone someone else's that we had no part in parenting.

My advice to you. Leave all the discipline and crap to her - she's done it on her own for a while now. She's right, they need a positive "male" role model in their life so be just that, a positive role model. Award good behavior and don't allow the bad and bond with them on your terms. Let the oldest boy know that your door is always open if he needs to talk about SEX or any other man subject. (My DH helped my oldest pick out a jock strap) Don't force it. Kids will usually warm up to people they respect....so just be yourself and if they aren't grateful for all you've done for them, let it be known how you feel and stop doing it.

Your GF needs to understand, though, that she's living in a fantasy world if she's expecting the Brady Bunch blended family. 'Cause it ain't gonna happen.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Since I came to this site I have learned a lot from his point of view & we've been getting along a lot better. He's been an ass at times, but I can see now that he had good reasons SOMETIMES. He didn't always handle the situations the best way but he comes from a dysfunctaional family too, & you can only do the best with what you've got.

At least we put the fun in dysfunction!

Cajun Lady

sounds like you're really trying to do the right thing by these kids and that is a great start. it's going to be a difficult road but in the end hopefully well worth it. everyone on here is going through the same sort of things or very similar and there are all different stages of step parents on here...new ones and old ones..so we can all learn a lot from this site...
one of the first things i was told is to set boundaries..basically with their fathers and with your GF. who disciplines the children and to what extent? who is responsible financially for the care of the children? this is going to be a long road..i'm only in the beginning of my journey myself and my BF's daughter lives in another state. i found that the sooner you can get things worked out as far as who does what the better. also when my BF's daughter comes for a visit i usually leave it up to him to discipline her. if he isnt around i will only discipline up to a point and let him take care of it fully when he is around. i found this helps in the whole them not hating you thing...or you're not my dad thing..ya know? i will tell her something isnt polite or i'll ask her to help me with this or that..but the big stuff..i leave to DAD...lol..
as far as the "overcompensating" that might have to do with some form of guilt she may have for the kids father/fathers not being around. dunno...

You have to leave the discipline to her. The skids will just resent you otherwise even if you are only trying to help. You can only backup what she (hopefully) puts in place as far as discipline. I would talk with her about your concerns.
As far as homework goes, I would only offer to help if you think they need it or let them come to you. Don't force it. Same with the sex thing. If ss comes to you great. Just let him know that you are open to talking to him if he wants to talk. It takes time to build a relationship with someone else's kids.
I am still working on trying to build a relationship with mine but it is tough. Three steps forward then ten steps back.

Good luck!

Georgie

it is called disengaging and it is an art form..
we have to remind ourselves that they are not our kids and we only have to be kind to them ONLY if they treat us with respect.
otherwise treat them like aliens.
as for the money, I would say let her pay for her kids activities, you only need to provide what you need for yourself and make sure you have seperate accounts.
and think long and hard about marriage.
I have been with my BF (boyfriend) for 5 years and still do not live together for many reasons..mostly his 18 year old.
dont rush anything!!
good luck.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I am the biomomma of a 14yo boy. I have remarried. DH did the whole stepdad thing the right way. He approached the relationsip as a friend instead of a parental figure. My ex doesn't financially support his child. We cover all expenses related to his two and mine too. It is tight, but we make it happen. Yes, outings can be expensive.... look for coupons and "special" days. Then there are activities that don't require much cash.

Get to know the kids on their level doesn't mean spending lots of cash on activities... DH got son into professional (HA HA) wrestling... they spend every monday night in front of the TV discussing the testosterone soap opera.

DH's little girl probably thinks I'm mean, I enforce rules. I do have DH to back me so there is not the "but daddy said" argument. I suggest you sit down with the momma, have a talk. Know up front what your role will be. DH and I basically promised each other that we dicipline as we see fit, and it the other parent has a problem w/ it we discuss it AWAY from the kids. If a punishment it so be repealed, the parent who issued the punishment is the one to do the repeal and not mention the other parent's involvement in the repeal. She cannot give you all the responsibility for dicipline.... it is not fair to your realtionship w/ the kids.

Instead of getting married to her why not cut her a check for 500,000? That may pay for some of the costs for 3 cars, 3 ins, and 3 college educations for the kds.
Marriage is not the answer to all of the situations that a woman and 3 kds are going to present.
Why get married and destroy a semi good relationship? If 5 people have to go on every date sounds like the honeymoon is already over.

Welcome. It is nice to have a male perspective once in a while! I agree with most everyone else's suggestion, except the money thing.
When you get married, the preacher says "and now you are one". He doesn't say "except split the money, etc". I listen to Dave Ramsey a lot and he talks about the seperate money issue quite a bit. He's a financial guy on the radio. www.daveramsey.com . Anyway, I guess my situation was very different as I was a stay at home mom and we only had the one income anyway. But I do think that having two seperate accounts and keeping it that way would create resentment with the stepkids. I mean, if you do get married, and SS wants/needs something, mom might say she doesnt have the money and SS will say that stepdad does why cant he help out???? I think a solution would be for you and your GF to make a budget with "OUR" money and spend it that way. You will have to explain to the kids that this is the money situation and this is what we can afford and this is what we cannot afford, etc. If they want something beyond the budget, you hand them the budget and tell them to work the numbers differently to find the "extra" money. I have done this many, many times with my SD's and it works. They actually understand where the money goes. I was raised with the notion that "you dont talk to your kids about how much money you make etc" so it was hard for me to actually allow them this knowledge, but after they saw what came in and what went out, they stopped acting like spoiled brats when they wanted something we could not afford.
I wish you the best and might also suggest some counseling BEFORE getting married. Being a step parent is the most "thankless" and awful job anyone will ever have. However, it can have it's moments of reward, they are few and far between, BUT they do exist. As for the eye rolling thing, etc, that is normal teenage crap. Get used to it, it is done to evoke emotion from you. Ignore. I know it is hard, cause when my SD16 rolled her eyes at me, I wanted to knock them back straight! Didn't, but wanted to....many, many, many times.
As far as the discipline, Bio's should institute that, otherwise you become the heavy! If she thinks that the man should discipline, then you are in trouble and going down a hard road. Get that settled BEFORE you decided to marry her! I love my DH with all my heart, and we have 2 wonderful boys, but I gotta tell ya...... knowing then what I know now, I am not sure I would do it again. Except for my boys, of course. My SD's were horrible, but you can read about that if interested.
I do hope it works out for you and do keep us posted about everything. Cruella has a frying pan that seems to come in handy for a few of us. I'm sure she would let you borrow it....

Whatever you do, I think the best way to approach this as setting boundaries. I really believe in boundaries because it's healthy for everyone. If you still feel generous, then set a limit on the amount of money you are willing to give... something reasonable for both sides. (I'm a generous person so I've had to learn this in order to not be taken advantage of.) I believe in keeping finances seperate, or at least have one account that both of you put money into, but both keep seperate accounts also. It's not a bad thing to have that back up in case something happens, especially in this economy.

Boundaries are important in everything you will do so establishing them now is probably the best thing. I agree with robinson3433 that counseling is a really good idea. It's good to get an opinion from an outside point of view & they will bring up issues that maybe you & your GF haven't even thought about... things you need to come together on now before they become a major problem.

Cajun Lady

Hello and welcome.

My advice after four years total doing this full time?

Take your time getting married.

But when you do, set up your own savings account for retirement only. Go joint on the rest, since you already are, but set up boundaries for what you'll pay (I would stick with half the rent, gas bill, stuff like that.)

And leave the school work, discipline, and most parenting to mom. BUT....have a lengthy discussion about expectations for the kids' behavior first, including how you two will continue to openly discuss the kids' issues (away from them of course).

Lastly, go to a counselor of some sort to help with the adjustment.

Your wife is right, kids do want a dad. But you have to approach them like you were trying to tame a wild rabbit.

When I came along SD had no nurturing mom. BM was there and had her three nights a week, but did a lot of damage emotionally so we were always doing damage control. SD idolized me the first two years, well until we finally won full custody. Then BM stopped doing ANY parenting, any disciplining, it all fell on DH and me. I stay at home so it falls on me mostly.

SD has now rejected me and connected with BM's Disney world.

I stepped back and disengaged at first, but now am coming back around to put her feelings first. I have never yelled at her, but my correcting her behavior comes across as hyper critical. It's actually more like normal parenting level, but not in her eyes.

My DH is not as patient or even tempered as I am with the kids. His expectations are that they behave like we did growing up. NOT going to happen. Different culture, different circumstances (blended family and all.) I have had to tell him not to discipline the boys if I am home because he loses it. I might lose it too, but I really think any slight, any correction, any cuss word, sounds WAY different coming from you mom, than from your SF.

My BF was a yeller, a corrector, a criticizer. Still is the latter two actually. I don't want my sons' to think of DH that way. But they will if he doesn't step back a little and let me handle it.

Do what's in your heart about marriage, but definitely do the expectations conversation first, and many times after.

Peace, love, and red wine

I tried to save both of my SSs and they would not listen to me just like I would not listen about becoming a SM to 4. Both of them are being forced into bankruptcy because I would not save them after warning them. They are being taken through the washing machine just like I have been all these years.