This is my second Christmas with SO. That also means my second Christas with his kids. He gets his kids for a week at Christmas break. I have no say in the matter, that is just the way it is and always will be. That already pisses me off because I would prefer holidays without them. At least their mom packed their weeks worth of holiday clothes full of their very best sweatpants!!! Nothing like a famliy dinner with two kids dressed like they are in pajamas!!

Having no kids of my own, I am used to and appreciate my alone time and freedom at the holiday time. Having his kids around for the full week surrounding both Christmas and New Years is very challenging on our relationship.

It has been over a year since SO and I bought a house together. Since day one I have complained how gross it is that the boys make a mess on the toilet seat and leave it and then don't wash their hands after using the washroom no matter if they go #1 or #2. Today I actually had a bag packed and was walking out the door before he realized "Holy crap, she is actually serious about this".... he cried and apologized for not ever following up on their hygeine when they are with us.... seriously!?!?? After a year of me complaining, bitching, suggesting and crying!!??!!?? Now??? Just NOW you think I'm serious?!?!!?!?!?

Don't get me wrong, that's not the only issue I have with this relationship and those kids... that's just the one thing that makes my skin crawl the most and is the most noticeable (imagine pee dripping off your toilet seat each and every day....with the seat left up so you can most certainly not only see it, but touch it when you put the seat down).

Today I lost it. I was furious. It started with the peed on toilet seat 2 days ago and excalated from there. Todays story: SO doesn't have lots of spending money. I get that. He pays child support and I'm okay with living within our means. We've had many heart to hearts about how we can't and will not compete with his EX at holidays to spoil the boys rotten to see who they will love more. Today is Boxing day and he went out (after spending more than enough on the boys for Christmas presents) and bought them an XBOX. I get that it's boxing day and he got it on sale... but COME ON!!!! Not only is it a gift that only him and the boys will enjoy (I certainly don't play video games) he didn't mention that he was going to go get it, complained that he was in his overdraft already for regular presents.... doesn't contribute anything extra to the house other than his fair half... (extras would be new fence, new front stairs, new shed, new patio, new shelves...all things I paid for myself for OUR house) but he goes out and buys an extra gift for him and his boys because it was on sale?!?!?!?!?? WTF?!?!?!?!!?

Why the hell does the guilt of leaving outweigh the satisfaction of living my own life again?!?!?!?

I want my life back. I don't want it to always involve two kids that I don't want around and don't even like!! They gross me out and aren't even cute. They eat more than I do and are gaining weight like baby elephants!!! (means lots and fast) They are 8 and 10 and only wear sweatpants because regular pants are too "restricting" for them.

Kids don't have filters and even though I know that, it's still hard to listen to them and their truths. I opened my new Kobo Christmas morning. I wanted one and was excited to get it. SS8 says "that one is way smaller than "Stepdads".... his is way cooler...." Can someone shut that kid up!?!?? I'm excited about it and need SS8 to understand that saying things like that although truthful, are unneccessary and hurtful in a way. Those boys already bragged last year about all the cool stuff they got with their mom last Christmas and I'm really not looking forward to another year of competition with her and SO again.

I want SO to pack his bags and move out to get this all over with and get my life back to normal again. Not because I don't love SO, but because I hate having his kids here that much.

I don't know if it's bad that I hate his kids more than I love him, but that is the sad reality.