Being Forced to Babysit
My fiancé and I have lived together for a year. I disengaged early on from his two sons who visit Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. Recently, my fiancé went to his sons schools and arranged for them to ride the bus to our house on Wednesdays and Fridays. He did this without consulting me beforehand. The problem is this: my fiancé doesn't leave work until 4 or 5 and the oldest is coming here at 2:30.
The first time the kid showed up I had no idea he was coming and I was in the shower and heard noises in the house.
I have told my fiancé since we met that I was not a free babysitter. His kids ss13 and ss14 are very dependant and high conflict, not able to be left alone. Also, we have suffered the dreaded CPS visit because of a report his oldest son made to a therapist. I do not want to be left alone in the house with these children...any advice?
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Comments
Marriage is definitely not an
Marriage is definitely not an option any more...I have been trying to find work to finance a move...
Sorry it is not working for
Sorry it is not working for you. Remember, this too shall pass and something better will come. Take any job you can get to move on if that is what you want.
Don't be home. Go somewhere.
Don't be home. Go somewhere. Do you have a job? ask for longer hours. What he did is not right, setting you up to watch his children without even asking you.
"It would have been nice if
"It would have been nice if he had told you so you wouldn't be surprised, but there was nothing to consult you about."
No, this is not an acceptable way to interact with other adults sharing the home.
I agree.
I agree.
I think he should have
I think he should have consulted you beforehand. I had a similar issue with the youngest stepkid. My DH and his ex did not want to pay for SS's before and after school care when he was 11 years old and thought it was ok to leave him home with me in the mornings and afternoons, so he didn't sign him up for any programs and didn't consult me. When I found out, I made it clear to DH that I was not his babysitter and I was not comfortable home alone with him (we also had a CPS visit for things he had said about DH). I made it clear to DH that SS was not my responsibility. After many long talks with DH, I gave in. SS is in our home every morning and afternoon, but I don't do anything for SS. He is actually ok left "alone". He doesn't follow our rules, but he doesn't do anything that would endanger himself or anyone in the house.
I believe that your fiance needs to reschedule his work hours on Wednesdays and every other Friday to be home when his kids are there, but I understand that it doesn't always happen. The kids seem to be too old for daycare, so that doesn't seem like an option for you. You should use that time to go shopping or do something for yourself. In my case, I have the skids full-time and I schedule trips to the grocery store, bookstore, starbucks, etc at times when I know the kids are coming home from school. At times, I try to stay out until I know DH has gotten home. It's a crappy, but it keeps me sane.
I fully agree the kids can
I fully agree the kids can come home to thier dads house. However, under no circumstances would I think it is ok for my partner to make this new arrangement without telling me. Silly Sue.
Huh? Feeling grumpy?
Huh? Feeling grumpy?
I'll share a drink with Sue
I'll share a drink with Sue anytime.
even when she is grumpy. 
Not the case. In my life,
Not the case.
In my life, changes in routines are communicated to the other adults in the home, unless it is a roommate situation. My partner advises me weeks in advance when he knows will be home late, and calls from the car if stuck in traffic. Certainly we keep each other informed of the expected location of minor children, and, because we're partners, we discuss options, changes and plans together. If your home situation is different, that's how you choose to live.
My response to you was about you, not the OP using magic powers to have me do anything. I did not respond to the OP's situation since your observations, and those of other posters, covered the fact that she is not, in fact, being forced to babysit.
Isn't this a place where step
Isn't this a place where step parents come to vent? Why are people dumping on the OP?
Oh no... Not the bully bs
Oh no... Not the bully bs again.
Forced to babysit a 13 &
Forced to babysit a 13 & 14yo.
These 13 and 14 year olds
These 13 and 14 year olds need a babysitter or maybe helmets if you know what I mean...
LOL got it
LOL got it
To answer a few questions...I
To answer a few questions...I have been unable to find work since moving here...also his children do not live here they just visit and the contents of the house are mine exclusively so I do not feel inclined to leave his children unattended in the home that we share...
Then you are not being forced
Then you are not being forced to babysit. You are making the choice to do it. Those kids are old enough to be left home alone. You just don't want them there without a sitter.
Easy solution - deadbolt
Easy solution - deadbolt locks from the inside. They do not enter without you letting them in. Hand them umbrellas if it rains.
That's one way to fast track
That's one way to fast track a break up.LOL Lock my minor kids out of the house and you're history.
But if she'd put on a
But if she'd put on a deadbolt and jumped in the shower, and didn't know they would be coming because you didn't mention it?
Touche
Touche
Otherwise, agreed. Locking
Otherwise, agreed. Locking my kid out as part of a disagreement with me is not ok. And if the only way to assert boundaries and feel heard in our relationship is to lock my kid out, then the relationship pretty much sucks and needs to end.
Yes, keys were given, which
Yes, keys were given, which is another point of contention because I have concerns that they may let their mother in the house when we aren't home.
I think it would have been a
I think it would have been a common courtesy for SO to let op know that the skids would be coming home at a particular time on Friday,so she is not caught unaware. Regarding the key situation yes I'm sure in families where there is no danger of the teens allowing lying,stealing adults into your home many parents do trust their children with a key to the front door. Like op DH has also not given SS stb14 a key as there is an extremely high chance BM would be let in if we were not at home.
^^^THIS. what lady said. i
^^^THIS. what lady said.
i only scanned through some of the responses, but i dont see any addressing the issue of the DFCS investigation.
if he wants his kids at his house when he's not home, he needs to find a home he's NOT sharing with the victim of a false abuse claim.
OP needs to boot his ass for lots of reasons, but that's just my opinion...
^^Yep and yep to the above
^^Yep and yep to the above posts.
Hey Tuff! Can I spike your coffee for you?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
Correct me if I'm wrong, OP...
These kids are Wed evening and EOW. That's visiting, imo.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments! I appreciate everyone's point of view. I have had a talk with my "fiancé " and he intends to make arrangements for their care for the time period in question. As for my situation, I will be moving with my family until I can get back to the place that I was before this man who never spoke of his children promised marriage and a house. Hopefully, I will be able to find another full-time job and save enough money for another home.
It is so easy to start over completely these days isn't it? I swear after this experience of never ending court dates, court appointed psych evaluations, him constantly fighting on Our Family Wizard with his ex, boogers on the white walls of our home, kids saying they are going to find a gun and shoot their dad, I now declare myself a celibate hermit...
I thought this was your
I thought this was your house?! Why are you leaving?
It is a house he is
It is a house he is renting...the furniture is mine...
Good for you! I started
Good for you! I started reading steptalk and other step parenting sites early in my relationship with DH. It seemed like many people were saying that a single person should not get into a relationship with someone with kids. I ignored the advice even though I was dealing with a ton of BM and stepkid drama. Even though things are better, I have a lot of resentment. And things being better doesn't mean a lot. I can't regret getting into my relationship because I have my son because of it, but I can't leave either. I don't trust SS and at least me being in the relationship means that I have an eye over SS and how he treats BS. It sucks being in a house with people/person that you dislike, but feeling like you have to is worse. Plus, if SS doesn't change, my son will be stuck with a brother that will be passive and plain out aggressive towards him. These were things that I didn't fully think about in the beginning.
They surely don't live there
They surely don't live there 4 days a month... LOL
I left my job because I moved
I left my job because I moved to another state, not to be a stay at home mom to his children. I have tried everything to get a job this past year and had 0 offers. I only had a handful of interviews even after rewriting my résumé several times. I had 3 retail interviews where I was told that I am overqualified or I would get bored so they can't hire me...
Mustang2008, I have read your
Mustang2008, I have read your past comments now and see that you are drinking the stepmom of the year koolaid so I understand why you feel the need to attack someone who simply wanted some advice on coping until alternative arrangements can be made. I wish you good luck and great success in the future and I sincerely hope that you never experience even a fraction of what some of us have gone through. May CPS never visit your home and look into your refrigerator.