Boundaries
Greetings,
I am very new to this forum. And I happened to find it just as I'm at my wits end, so its a blessing in disguise.
I technically am not a step-parent yet. I am dating a man with a 15.5-year-old son here in Florida; we have dated for a few years. The mother is not only involved, she lives close to my boyfriend, and because of that the boundaries are skirted. My boyfriend is also a conflict avoider to the 10th degree, so I've got a real situation on my hands.
The problems with the son are what I would consider "normal" teenage boy things. I should also mention that his son and I get along very, very well and I'm lucky in that regard. I do feel that he knows there are boundaries with me, so he treats me respectfully, which is more than I can say for his parents--especially his mother.
My main issue is the boundaries between my boyfriend and his ex. While I absolutely, 100% agree on civility for the kid's sake, I feel it is too close. I think it has gotten somewhat better, bit by bit, but I am now challenged as my boyfriend is suddenly standing up for his ex, and being rude to ME. I feel I have done nothing but support him. There have been a number of these "teenage" issues that have come up, and his ex runs to him all the time (purposely, on our days of seeing each other) so he has to leave me. He refuses to see my side, he refuses to see that she is not handling things to purposely get him to either drive over, or have the kid at his apartment, or whatever. There is always an excuse. Always.
I don't want to believe he still loves her, and outside of these issues, I would not think that. I don't know if this is the case, or - because of his conflict avoidance - he just doesn't want to deal with it, because admitting to me she is nuts would therefore make me upset and ask him to deal with it - and that's just too much for him, or so it seems. I've seen her mood swings, and they definitely are astronomical - but at the same point, I need respect for me and boundaries with her. Otherwise, what's my role here?
That's where I'm at. She runs a clothing store for a living; you would think she was skilled in arguing and controlling. It just happens to be who she is.
Help is much appreciated. I'm desperate.
--Cassie--
- Cassie12's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Cassie, welcome! As I see it,
Cassie,
welcome! As I see it, with handling BMs (in general), it is all about boundaries for SM, it is all about RETAINING CONTROL for BM's. That's exactly what your BM is doing and you need to be extra patient and extra strong to endure that and change the dynamics you are describing. The reason why your DH is now acting defiantly is that his BM is probably nagging (pulling him in the opposite direction) and you are "nagging" (in his mind) and he's just losing patience.
He will slowly realize that he does NOT have to jump when your BM says so to prove to his son or himself that he's still a good dad. That is why he's doing it. It might take a while for him to get there and in the meantime, you need to try to be patient, calm but consistent in your message what makes you uncomfortable. Continue to be a good stepmom and a good, loving wife you already sound to be and things WILL change for the better.
BTW, what you are expecting/asking for is a normal thing. All I want from my DH's X is to respect boundaries (has been an uphill battle but definitely better now than at the beginning - I guess SHE just got used to some things that were "shocking" when established at first).
Good luck.
Every time my DH wanders off
Every time my DH wanders off into his own little world and ignore me I smile and head in the other direction.
Make something for yourself to do. If he says his ex is having issues with their son smile and say "Oh really? I never would have thought *son* would do that. Well call me when you have time for us. See ya!" And drive off.
He will see you as the nice person and her as the whiney person not in control of her life. 3 guesses who he will spend more time with? However, if he continues to run over to help her out all the time, I am sorry. He never really was yours and never really left her.
If this is the case slide out of his life. It isn't worth waiting for if the ex wife takes prioroty over the new life.