My advice?

Disengage, and tell your wife why you're doing so. Maybe she'll have to clean up after SD. Maybe she'll have to shut the electronics off after SD is done using them. Maybe after she's done this for awhile she'll start to get tired of it too and start making SD do it. By allowing SD to get her way all the time, she created this mess, and she is the only one with the most power to fix it. You can support her in fixing it, but you can't do her work for her.

As for the progress, I know how you feel about that. I too felt like DH and skids weren't making progress fast enough for me. But, and "but" is the key word here, they did make progress. My therapist helped me to accept the speed at which they made progress, and emphasized that the fact that they are taking some steps (regardless of their size) to improve is what I should focus on and I would find myself much less upset and frustrated if I did that. It worked. I give the same advice to you because DH used to do this too. He used to guilt-parent. The kids lived with BM until four years ago when we got custody. Before we got custody, he was guilt-parenting. I don't know if you've read my other posts about how my stepkids were treated at BM's, but it was downright atrocious. They were abused, neglected, and lacking in many life skills. I told DH that I love him and feel horribly for his kids but he needed to quit the guilt-parenting and get them into therapy.

Four years, a lot of frustration and anger, many tears, many personal growths, many joys, and many great-relationships-built later, we are all doing so much better. SDs are both in therapy, but I think that will be the case for the rest of their lives. They have a wonderful therapist, and we've all been to individual counseling, marriage counseling, and family counseling. Initially, things were so bad that we were in family counseling twice a week. Now, we go on an as-needed basis. Maybe you could consider family counseling too.

I recommend doing what you are doing with escalating consequences.

Keep eliminating the aggravating behavior by removing the opportunity for her to do it. Start putting her crap in trash bags when she leaves it in the washer/dryer, on the floor, etc.... Just make sure you put the trash bags on the curb when she does it. Once she is down to one outfit she and DW will get the hint.

Keep her locked out of the computer, TV, etc...... The lights are a bit tough. You could put in auto switches and eliminate the problem but that does not correct her behavior.

Although the adage "insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result" may apply.

We don't have exactly the same problem you do. We only have one kid. My SS-17. However, all of the things you describe with your SD we have struggled with our son on. The bad news is that we have been struggling with it since he was 2yo at some level.

The one change I have made is that I don't go ballistic about it like I used to. I just call him on it immediately and dog him until he fixes it. If he leaves a light on I make him turn it off. If I ask a question and get a blank stare I make him stand there until he answers it. If he leaves his clothes in the washer and they mildew I pitch them. If he leaves his shit out I throw it away. I don't yell, I don't get angry.

At least not in front of him. When I am driving to and from work I rant and rave but I keep my cool at home. I keep waiting for the ambulance with the guys in the white coats and the straight jacket to pull me over when I am commuting. But I stay calm at home.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Both Anon and Rags have given great advice.

This sounds like my SS. My husband has too parented out of guilt and although he's made some progress, it's a hard habit for him to break and I'm not seeing progress fast enough. Because like you, I've been telling him this stuff for YEARS.

Deer in headlight look. I hate that! It's his signature, I'm clueless what's going on look. On one hand, I want to disengage, but it's my house too! I need advice too, it drives me nuts. Hopefully therapy will work for us. I'm starting on my own first for my own sanity. Not sure I can get through to these boys.

If it's left out throw it in the bin. i'm still working out how to get my sd11 t turn the tv and lights off i think thats the ongoing battle but she learnt quick with me if you leave it lying around it goes in then bin!

Kids do what work for them. In other words, the chances are very high that your SD is getting a payoff from this behavior and from what you've blogged, my guess is that her payoff is getting you upset and causing strife between you and your wife. The key is to take away her payoff.

Here's my advice, stay calm. Do not yell. Do not show any emotion other than pleasant. Each and every time she leaves a light on, call her back to the room and ask her to turn it off. Same with the door, the computer, whatever it is that she's doing. Stuff on the floor? Call her to you, request that she pick it up and stand there and watch her. Remember, pleasant... smiling. She's not upsetting your day, only inconveniencing herself by having to come back and correct the mistake. If she gets no payoff by upsetting you AND she's having to come back physically and correct the mistake, she'll tire of it and she'll start doing it herself. This is what has worked for me both with my kids and my future steps.

You may be shocked when one day... in the not far off future, you hear, "Hey, fedup, look, I did ___ without you having to remind me!'

A little creative parenting may be involved here. Kill the lightbulb, and when it doesn't turn on, make her change it... oops, when you turn the lights out, they don't burn out (not always true, but good enough to get you by, trust me...) TV? unplug it, deprogram it pull the dvd plugs out too. She'll have to be figuring out how to set things up on her own. Clothes? LOL I'm not from a broken home but I can tell ya finding my clothes in a snowbank or back lawn because I didn't put them away broke me pretty quickly. Throw them outside, make her clean them, and put them away, or you'll do it again. We did this with changing oil in the car. DH took a plug out so it wouldn't start, made her check the oil (REALLY LOW) made her go get some in the barn and threw the plug back in while she was gone. Just hands on learning....

Gee, you might be my SD's stepdad with BM. For years I nagged, now I place obstacles in her path. I loosen her light bulb to her bedroom lamp. She asked for a new lamp for Christmas.. I said why?? The bulbs keep burning out, something must be wrong. What is wrong, is that you leave your light on all week, your next light will be a flash light. She would leave her stinky laundry fermenting in her room. We quit doing her laundry. She now does her own laundry. Oh! My favorite pet peeve---empty orange cartons or cracker boxes... Now I place the empty OJ carton in front of her for breakfast and the full one by me. She will say its empty.. well... apparently it's not, it was still in the fridge. She will ask for the full one, nope. Drink what's left... there is nothing... then throw the carton away. I have also been impish with her take out food... I will eat it and place the empty carton back in the fridge. She has a hissy.. I say oh, well Karma... Everyday she parks me in after school even though I have asked her to park on the street since she leaves after I do. Now, I leave a few minutes before she gets home to go pick up my girls, then I park her in. She asks me to move my car.. move it yourself and put it back in the driveway. She says she will be late for work... Then don't park in the driveway. She is catching on by being inconvenienced.

Let your wife pay the electric bill (with her money). You pay a portion of it----what you feel that you use.

Praise your wife (flowers/movie, etc.)when she is firm with her daughter.

Disengage as much as you can.

If the clothes are thrown in the "common" area, throw them in a bag & put them in the garage. Next time they go in the trash.
If they are all on floor in her bedroom, disengage.

Throw the radio in the trash. Buy yourself a portable one/IPOd.

The kid is being passive agressive. You will be able to reduce the quantity of events but will not be able to eliminate them. Make sure you tell your wife (calmly) of how you are handling this.
Hope you can use one or two of these ideas.

no shit....... how hard is it to turn off the tv and lights when you're not using them........ but at least it sounds like sd can do simply things like flush the frickin' toilet, my skids must not have working plumbing at home b/c they fail to get the concept of why we flush.... and i ask ss to keep the bedroom door closed ---- because the room smells like a piss pot...... yes ss10 still pisses in the bed.... i ask him to PLEASE put your dirty diaper (actually a depends -- they don't make diapers big enough for him) in a small grocery bag and tie shut before you put it in the garbage bag and he always rips up the vinyl mattress cover so the mattress is fucking nasty.... i febreeze it, but why replace it if he's just going to piss it up, too........ my skids are GROSS -- after tonight they will be gone til next wed -- so tomorrow is when i disinfect the parts of the house they have been... i guess i digressed, too... sorry