This is mostly my problem, but I'm struggling with it. There's some history in my past blogs if you want to get more of the picture.

As I learn more about my SO's marriage and its eventual demise, I can't help but wonder why he put so much effort into saving it. Of course, when I really think about the situation, I know he had good reasons. Keeping his word is incredibly important to him and so he took it seriously when he said his vows, even though they were barely in their 20s at the time. In the middle of the marriage breakdown, he had a motorcycle accident that was nearly fatal and spent over a year recovering. The meds he was on blacked him out for much of that time, and distorted reality enough that it was hard to accept that she really had left him for another man and wasn't intending to come back. She added fuel to the fire by coming around from time to time to have a drink, try to sleep with him, and I think made him feel like if he just said/did the right thing she would come home. There's plenty of other shit that she's pulled, but to sum it up, she's a crazy, manipulative, NPD ***** who puts her own whims above all else.

SO has done a lot of healing in the past year and I believe that he is done with her. He and BM have a co-parenting relationship that's been working well, and their S7 is holding up, though there are difficulties here and there. Divorce papers have been delivered back to the lawyer and they are waiting for a court date to be set to finalize it all.

So here's what I'm working with:

Good: S7 is an awesome kid, behaves well, and is bonding with me well. Custody (not court-ordered) is EOW with the switch on Sunday mornings, so I get to see him every weekend and occasionally during the week. SO tells me asks after me when I'm not there and is disappointed when I'm not coming over. This past week I read with him at bedtime for the first time, which he liked. Another day, SO and I are on the couch watching a movie and he tackles both of us shrieking "family pileup!!!" which made me feel wonderful. SO is great about balancing his attention to me and to his son when we are all together, and I never feel like I take a back seat (and neither does his son so far). It doesn't feel at all competitive - in fact, S7 seems like he really enjoys seeing the love and being included in it.

Less Than Good: SO can be indulgent with S7. Some things I see as acceptable on the short term, like letting him control the TV for the better part of the day (he loves How It's Made and Mythbusters) or letting him veto a restaurant outing because he wants to stay home. These are things that I can see turning into bigger issues down the line as he learns that he, and not the adults, control the situation most of the time. But there's also the 10-10:30 bedtimes on school nights, lax hygiene (not showering or putting on clean things every day, not brushing teeth every day and the kid has crowns because of tooth problems) and letting him watch/play more violent movies and games than seems appropriate for his age. These I see as more of an immediate issue, though I try to maintain the "not my kid, not my problem" mentality.

Good: The fact that I know how important commitments are to SO is very attractive to me. He hears out my concerns when they come up and has so far done all I have so far asked as far as setting boundaries. I've been careful not to ask too much of him, as I know that care must be take not to poke BM with a stick before divorce and visitation are on paper, and he recognizes and respects this. He is thoughtful, brave, tender, sexy, and creative - and he treats me so very kindly. When I focus on our relationship without the BM stuff, I feel very happy with him and very loved.

Less Than Good: There are still some boundaries that need to be set. Because of her behavior in the past and her relationship situation, I worry that BM will try to "come back to the nest" at some point. I have no doubt that SO will not entertain that, but I am afraid that she may begin trying to PAS the kid and/or grub for money. They still have joint bank accounts and still call each other for favors that they could solve on their own or with their respective SOs, simply because it's more convenient. I still realize that it's part of old habits, and that he wants to keep the peace while the divorce is pending. I'm just hoping that they will continue to separate their lives at a reasonable pace to a reasonable degree.

SO's FB still has a ton of pictures of BM in the albums, lots of happy memories (and "happy" ones, too). She is still showcased there as his family. Though one part of me tells me that she always will be because she is the mother of his son, I wonder if there is a place there for me in the future. I'm extra sensitive about it because I had a horrible childhood, grew up somewhat away from my immediate family, and I'm aching to be able to start one of my own. I suppose I'm just impatient, even though I trust myself to keep my feet on the ground in choosing a partner. And I'm angry and jealous sometimes because, even though BM abandoned her vows, SO still did his damnedest to try to hold their marriage together. I want the security of that commitment in my life. I know that I shouldn't feel so worried, after all, he is with me now and treats me like a queen. And I don't want to press him so hard that I push him away. I know that it's still new. I can be patient and let things evolve on their own. Some days, I just don't know how to get rid of the fear of something going wrong.