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Gwen's picture

Submitted by Gwen on Fri, 08/04/2006 - 8:44am

Hi, I'm new. I am getting married in 3 weeks to a good man who was previously married and has two children, a boy age 8 and a girl age 6. I have known all of them for nearly four years now, although I have known BF longer because we both agreed to wait to introduce me to the kids (8 months). I am fortunate that the Skids and I have a close and loving relationship. I have no children of my own, although I want children very much; at present I am a full time lawyer. BF and I have SS and SD officially 25% time although we have a very flexible arrangement with BM (who lives in town) and often take them more, whenever we ask. BM is getting re-married too, and although BF and I have differences in values from BM and the new SDad, we get along well enough for the children's sake. I try very hard to act in the children's best interests while also setting boundaries. (For the first two years with BF there were very few boundaries with the then-single BM and let me just say it has been a long and painful road.) Although I love my Skids and fiance very much, this situation is still very painful in many ways. I have been following this site for a couple of weeks now and it is so helpful to see that others go through these issues! I feel like I can't talk to anyone about these things because they say things like "then why are you marrying him" with an intimation that I must be co-dependent if things are difficult and I am getting married anyway. I have been on my own since I was 16 and worked my way through college and law school to partner at a law firm, and resent that. I am getting married because I love BF and want to create a home with him and to be Smom to these beautiful children. But that doesn't stop the hard stuff from slamming me over the head. For example, soccer season is just starting and already I am having a hard time with issues related to BM's parents (who also live in town and are very involved in the Skids lives). So I feel relieved that there is a place to come share some of these hard things with people who understand.

Comments

Allyceson's picture

Submitted by Allyceson on Fri, 08/04/2006 - 9:19am

Congratulations on the upcoming nuptuals! And, wow, how great for you that you've come so far on your own.
We all know about the comments and looks you get when you need someone to talk to about your frustrations relating to a blended family situation. If everyone felt that way, I guess there would be about 75% of single parents who had no chance of being involved with anyone ever again because there are very few divorced parent situations where there aren't some serious bumps in the road. Just because the situation is frustrating doesn't mean we don't love our significant other.
So glad you've joined!

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Fri, 08/04/2006 - 9:56am

Welcome to the site! We have an attorney on our team! YIPPPPE! We all know how hard it is to get an understanding from people about our feelings as stepmothers and can empathize with you on that…we don’t always agree with each other (of course) but it helps to get so many different perspectives of people who truly get your situation…it will be an interesting ride so strap in! For us marriage changed things to some degree…hard to explain why…we were together for 2 years before we got married…got along great…but after we were married…it was OBVIOUS that we were together no turning back…and I really think that shifts attitudes a little bit…lucky for you, she has also found someone new…3 weeks till the wedding…OH THE EXCITEMENT!

Gwen's picture

Submitted by Gwen on Fri, 08/04/2006 - 10:10am

Thanks so much for the warm wishes and welcoming words. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to hear that others also know about the comments and the looks! My heart feels lighter already. I hope that mentioning the lawyer thing isn't off-putting, sometime it is but the journey between my difficult economic background and rough family history leading to my professional life today is so much a part of who I am and what being a Smom means to me that I can't leave it out. This is my first marriage so I am very excited. It is a small wedding in our backyard with family only, and my SD is walking with me. I asked her if she wanted to walk with her brother and Daddy but she wanted to walk with me which makes my heart so full, everytime I think of her little face pleading to be there with me it makes me cry. It is not always like that (esp. if BM is around, which is natural, but ouch) so I cherish those moments. I am looking forward to getting to know folks here, I feel so much better that others know how this feels!

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Fri, 08/04/2006 - 1:48pm

Welcome Gwen! Marriage is a wonderful thing... Do your best with the children and keep your mind open when dealing with ex-wife & her family. We are hear to listen to you. Congratulations.

Wifi's picture

Submitted by Wifi on Mon, 08/07/2006 - 7:57pm

This is such an exciting time for you. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. You have got to be thrilled!
I am also new to this blog. Your story is similar to mine.
My wedding is in 6 weeks and I too, have never been married. He has three beautiful loving children that I adore and we hope to have at least one child together. And the ex just announced (one month ago) that she will be getting married on labor day weekend.
She does not like me and really has a difficult time with me doing things with the children (but it is completely fine for her new fiance to take the kids)
And now yes soccer season.... I have not met her family but they will be involved. I fear and dread this b/c it can be quite overpowering. (I remember what it was like growing up in a blended family) All I know to do is walk with my head high, be nice, and pray. In blended families everyone is tense (to a certain degree) because we are all trying to find our boundaries at the same time. What is right for the kids, everybody thinks they know and they try to communicate that to the best of ability.
Now I am on a tangent. Apologies....
Just reading what you wrote, I understand.
I am glad you are on this site. Again CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen's picture

Submitted by Gwen on Wed, 08/23/2006 - 11:27pm

I was so pleased to read your comment, and wish you all the best on your own wedding. Congratulations!! I hope soccer season is going well for you, meeting the family, etc. I would be interested to hear how it is going. I have what I believe to be an odd situation where the family is overwhelmingly accepting of my presence in some ways, so much so that I was faced with the prospect of her family and her life becoming mine--nothing but BM and her parents and her friends enveloping me on all sides. It may sound like a relative non-issue, but for me, I have always wanted a good strong family (never had it) and it is so painful to be placed in a position of being asked to simply melt into someone else's. (especially someone I have SUCH complicated feelings about as BM). So my struggle has been to lay down boundaries that protect me and my dreams, while also respecting the family's place in my stepkids' lives (which necessarily translates somewhat into my fiance's life--but how much has been a subject of much discussion, negotiation and adjustment). At present, the wedding is just three days off, and I have spent some good amount of time reviewing how far we (me and my fiance) have come in the last four years. It is a good, long, hard, painful, rewarding distance we have traveled together. There are continuing challenges, and much pain (while cleaning for the home wedding, finding books with intimate inscriptions, e.g. OUCH) but nothing like it was before. I am ready to meet those challenges that are left, and I believe the new ones that will inevitably arise. As you say, hold your head high, be nice, and pray. I too always try to take the high road and think this is just so important. I have had many private low moments, but am proud of myself for my public behavior. May I always be so. Perhaps we will all find strength together. (I LOVE this site, and find much comfort that things are similar all over.)

Again, congratulations to you!! and warm wishes for a lovely wedding and, of course, a rich and fulfilling family life after, one that makes all your dreams come true.

Gwen's picture

Submitted by Gwen on Thu, 08/24/2006 - 2:36am

I want to note something else as I prepare to get married to the Man Who Was Married Before and Has Children. The other day I was upset at Man--he was in a bad mood and sniping, and I was growing upset and bickering, and had to escape out the sliding back door to calm myself (careful not to slam the door--trying to be a good grownup). Skids, 6 and 8, followed me outside ten minutes later. SS had scooped up my favorite teddy bear (yes, at almost 36 I have one) and SD had strung her play pearls around Bear's neck, and they presented Bear to me with big smiles and arms full of hugs, and said in chorus "surprise, we love you!" Nothing could have made me more certain that I am doing the right thing in marrying Man Who Has Children. (an issue separate from whether it is right to marry Man, which I believe is also right. Ups and downs, but right.)

I know I can't depend on skids as one would a biochild/biomom, simply because I have already been taught in these four years that to do so leads to sting and disappointment with biomom in the picture. (and having biomom in the picture is best for them. Rinse, repeat.) But I am special to them, I am an important person in their lives. And they are to me. And though I want, so much want, that relationship with my own biochild (I don't have one yet), with these children all that matters is that we are important to each other. We are family, whatever else we call it. I will forget that from time to time, but I hope I ultimately remember that it is true.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 08/24/2006 - 7:18am

I hope you two have a very happy long life together. Be strong, you have already proved that by being on your own at 16 and law school and everything in between. That is awesome.

Marriage is wonderful when you put effort into it. And it sounds to me even through the rough stuff you are there sticking it out. Not taking the easy road out.

The bio-moms family are they harrassing you?

Love those children and be the best (s) MOM you can be. I am not going to lie and tell you that kids do not cause waves because I would seriously be lying to you. They do you just come here to vent and for support and move on to the next hurdle.

Many wishes to you both..