Marriage will end if I don't handle this right...Please Help!
Since I have dissengaged, SD9 has nothing bad to report to daddy so she told her mom last week she wants to be at her house more, it is 50/50. DH doesn't know yet, SS 11 told me this morning. There has been no fighting and that is what she thrived on. It was the only kind of relationship DH & SD shared, she complains about his wife and he would get mad and fight with me. She would get happy and start talking when we would fight. This has been happening for the last 5 years. We have separated twice because of it so she knows she had control over our marriage.
Now she knows she has nothing bad to say about me so she is trying to get him to leave me by making him choose her or me. It is another antic to threaten daddy if he doesn't leave me.
I don't know if I should tell him so BM and SD doesn't tell him first that it is because of me, which it is not. She doesn't want to share him with me and is so jealous. DH tells me "she will have to accept it" but then when she threatens him to not visit him he chooses her. Do I just let him go or is there some way to handle this so I don't loose my husband? Please help.
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Unfortunately this is all up
Unfortunately this is all up to your DH - he has to start to put you first - I would call their bluff - then I would pull out the CO and say this is how it is - SD9 is too young to make up her own mind - so what they are going to let her make a decision at 9 - it is all up to DH but I would tell him before BM does to prepare him and I would also tell him what you expect him to do - I know that won't be easy but you need to tell him you expect him to take your side and also to enforce the CO and if there is not one to get one - because if you let a 9 year old start to dictate her life at 9 imagine that little darling at 15 :jawdrop:
This is obsurd that you have
This is obsurd that you have to live in fear of losing your husband because of what BM and/or SD might tell him. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure this is a marriage worth saving if your DH is so hell bent on catering to every BM/SD threat and throwing you to the side every time SD plays the "I'm not going to visit" card.
I can't imagine the stress this must cause you and it's very unfair to say the least. you are correct that she knows she controls your marriage because your DH has made it abundantely clear.
As far as what to do? I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you go to hubby first, he's only going to ask SD what's up and she's going to say what she will. You have no control over that. I'm sorry that you have to live like this.. this really makes me angry when a grown adult who stood before God and family and took marriage vows puts a demanding, spoiled, manipulating CHILD ahead of his WIFE. :sick:
You have no idea the stress i
You have no idea the stress i am feeling right now, i am physically sick and shaking.
I think it is time to leave it up to God again because I think you are right that i don't have any control over it. I might share this post with him. I think i need to accept that the manipulative child wins and maybe this is the plan.
I agree totally w/caregiver.
I agree totally w/caregiver. DH cannot let a 9yo dictate visitation. The point of visitation is to get to know other parent, and I do not think a judge will change it based on a 9yo wanting something else (15/16 maybe, but not 9). DH needs to stand ground. 50/50 is the norm now,and will need to be enforced. DH needs to talk to BM about helping enforce this, or she will be in contempt
How much do you want to be
How much do you want to be married to man who treats you like this?
Do the old 'pro/con' list and see where it all falls out.
One important question I asked DH early in our marriage.... "If you were still married to their mother, happy or not, would you let your children act like that" .
Take it from there.... Good luck.
She's trying to escalate with
She's trying to escalate with her threats because now you aren't fighting because of her. Abusive at that young age! Stand your ground. Other option is to cave to her and go back to the old ways? You don't want that, do you? DH can either tell her she is not old enough to change visitation or like the other poster said, call her bluff and say "I'll miss you." Either way he needs to let her know that she needs to respect you and his marriage. This situation is a dealbreaker. Ask him if he wants to spend his old age with a psycho adult daughter. That's the way it's heading.
Have you been to counselling?
Have you been to counselling? If not you should try it. We haven't gone in a long time because my dh finally "got it". I would wait to bring up things until we were with the counsellor and he always agreed with me. This really helped dh see that his thinking was "off".
I have told dh that I will be #1 to him. There is no other option. He thought I was good enough to marry and that means he has to put me first at all times. This took 2 years to sink in. I have also told sd that when you choose to marry someone it means you agree to put them first. This means that if she wants a sleepover or new shoes or whatever that dh and I will be discussing it before she gets an answer. We also do this with my dd and ds and it seems to be working very good. SD and BM do not like it and are extremely jealous of me, my kids, and especially our 2 year old but that doesn't matter to us. We have a much more peaceful home because of it and if sd doesn't want to come here that's ok with dh.
Sorry you have to live like
Sorry you have to live like this; I feel your pain only mine has lasted ten years.
My SD13 thrives on it all the fighting as well....We have her FT now and everytime she starts to get into trouble she begins to use (I am NOT saying it isn't tought; there's a time for it though, not only when you get into trouble) the events that happened at her BM's house to get out of her punishment.
My words as well....She doesn't want to share him with me and is so jealous.
It has been a living nightmare and finally last night I told him; I only have one toe left in the door - change it now or I am leaving with his three kids...
Sometimes you just have to be the B* and put your foot down. I have rolled over for 12 years; and I have become a bitter, angry, yelling, old hag - no more.
Your DH is letting your SD
Your DH is letting your SD control your marriage. Until he puts his foot down, it will always be this way. How do you feel? Can you keep battling? I went through the same thing and I left.
Thank you everyone so much. I
Thank you everyone so much. I am now able to think through this with these points. Pantera, He is absolutely letting SD control our marriage and it is a battle i have told myself and him just two weeks ago that I am going to tolerate this for 3 1/2 more years, after my son graduates hs, and i am out. I told him it was not a warning, but a fact. I don't want it to end right now, i feel like so many of us do here that there may be hope that he "man's up", but have given myself a time line.
Last night when he tucked her in, she told him I was being mean to her and he actually told me so i confronted her and she admitted she lied to him right in front of us. I hope it goes well tonight with letting him know her game again of threatening him to be with her mom more.
Blender, I get home at 4 and
Blender, I get home at 4 and she is there with me, SS, and my 2 kids. I have made my 14 y/o son be in charge of her, DH pays him so I don't get provoked by her. I make my son take her down to the finished lower level of house till he gets home. Sadly and without even knowing it I am already at the extreme dissengagement stage because of her constant provoking at me. At night my laptop goes on a pillow to block her view of me she can't stare and glare at me. Thank you though. I am feeling better with all these posts. Still terrified of what will take place tonight.
Wow sueu2, harsh, but a lot
Wow sueu2, harsh, but a lot of truth i need to hear about myself. I usually delete your posts right away, but its true that i have been reduced to a child's level and now that it has a term I can use that when he says "I want you two to get along". I do have low self esteem but I am not dependent on my husband. I own my house and have a postnup to protect it, I am the one who kicked him out twice. What you may not or may understand is that when you find someone who is really compatable with you, you keep faith that a hard dynamic such as this can be dealt with or at that you can find ways to cope like everyone on here is trying to do. I own what I tolerate, but like I said, I have enough self esteem to know how long i will tolerate it.
I have to agree with all the
I have to agree with all the other posters. She is manipulating the situation.
I have found that the only way I can get a difficult point across to my DH is to reverse the situation. In your case I would say "Look, if my son was making up things and telling lies about you and I believed him or allowed him to get away with it, how would you feel?" Often this is a way my DH can relate and see what i was dealing with.
She is 9. She is trying to scare you off. You are made of sterner stuff than this crap. Try and be affectionate to your husband but not in an overtly way. Spend a couple of minutes with him and remind him you love him. Wink at him. Smile at him with 'the' smile. Be a 'good' wife because this is something she cannot compete with and shouldn't. In turn encourage him to spend time alone with Miss9. If you need something at the store, ask him to run and pick it up and suggest he takes Miss9 along for the ride.
I don't know if giving DH a
I don't know if giving DH a heads up on the situation is good or not. Does he do better when he can think about it in advance? Or will he initiate the conversation and then get mad at you? Not sure what the best way to handle that is. I also agree that this is a 9 year old!! She can want to do this and that all day long but if you are 50/50 - tough cookies, looks like it can stay that way.
God - Trying to scare you off
God - Trying to scare you off - isn't that CRAZY; but it's ssssoooooo true!! My SD13 almost tries to bully me in a way; or when myself or my daughter walks by she will try to bump into us. I am not sure why the hell they do this