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OH just keep trying to make me you lackey and other musings

halo1998's picture

Oh just keep trying to make me do your work.

DH needed to talk to SD about school and her grades, etc.  He looked at me and said..

"Well you can talk to her tomorrow when she gets home from school."


Nope..not gonna happen there DH.  I'm not your lackey and I'm not doing your dirty work anymore.  I'm no longer a hit man for hire.

I looked at him and said..."No, you can talk to her.  Not me."

DH had the wounded puppy look....but alas that did not work. I stared at him with a blank look at that point till he said..."ok"


Also interestingly...he told our therapist that he doesn't like when people tell him what to do.  Mmmkay...there DH....good to know. (I had already figured that one out about him) However, then quit telling me to tell you what to do and/or avoiding making a decision.  If you don't like people telling you what to do..THEN DON'T ASK THEM TO TELL YOU AND MAKE THE DECISION ON YOUR OWN.  That thinking is so fundamentally flawed...I mean sure ask my opinion and we can discuss things..but to straight up tell me to tell you what to do...all the while resenting that I told you to do something....WTH.  That is a 0 sum game...

The mental gymnastics on that one is astounding....

Anyone else have DH model like this me...thought so.



ESMOD's picture

Because when someone else makes the decision.. you don't have to accept blame when it goes wrong.

halo1998's picture

but I also just think its avoidant behavior.  Its rather than deal with it...let push it off to someone else.  Oh but then get resentful because they got "told" what to do or we just do it.  Either way its a losing situation.

Hastings's picture

Oh no. You're not alone. My DH has rarely if ever asked me to deal with stuff regarding SS11. But he does get annoyed with me at times for not telling him what to do or how to handle something.

I tell him that I will give an opinion and I will discuss. But I supposedly married an adult, which means he's capable of making decisions. He doesn't do it as much anymore, but it's definitely frustrating.

CLove's picture

Its a thing. We have to really watch ourselves as we navigate these tricky waters.

And we have to realize that we are expendable. We are easy to blame for things.

JRI's picture

I was laughing as I read about your DH wanting you to discuss grades with your SD.  I handled school-related issues with all 5 of ours.  DH was super busy at work and just not tuned in to educational matters.  But when I disengaged from teen YSS, I stopped going to school about his behavior issues.  So, DH had to go the next time and hear professionals describe and discuss YSS's behavior.  Ha ha.  Life wasn't so pleasant for golden boy YSS that night and it was the last school episode.

Rags's picture


As he got older and was getting ever closer to aging out from under the CO, DW and I started a bit of a dance regarding parenting and disciplining SS.  I had to tell her that if she did not like how I parented and disciplined she could step up and get it done before I had to.  She stepped up and we re-balanced that part of our parenting collaboration model.

Not long after that we agreed that SS would benefit significantly from Military school. And he did.  We sent him to Military school for his Jr and Sr years of HS.  He went from a blend in and do only what he had to do to get by to a strong leader, honor student, recognized athelete, lost 40lbs in 6 weeks, etc... Though sadly we did have a final major parenting event even with that phase of SS's march to adulthood.

The final dance of that ballroom event was when we withdrew him from Military boarding school mid year of his Sr. year when he and the Spermidiot hacked the school firewall land SS stayed up all night playing WoW with his Spermidiot every night and failed several first semester classes.  His mom and I were not going to pay another two semesters of boarding school tuition on the chance he might graduated.  That was a tough decison. I told DW that she would have to be the one to take the lead in that action and the communication with SS otherwise it was very risky that it would be put on me as the "asshole stepdad".  She did a great job.  I had her back.   The next 6mos scared the shit out of SS so much that he would regularly ask me if his mom was every going to stop being mad at him and if I could re-take the disciplinary lead since I addressed specific issues and moved on and his mom kept him under the hair eye-ball over everything 24/7. He ended up graduated from our local HS on time and with honors.

SS recalibrated and has become a truly good man, viable adult, and successful in his career.