Disappointment and Crying — anyone else deal with this?
SS13 really struggles with managing disappointment. He cries. Or at least turns red, stone-faced and wells up.
For example, we generally all watch TV in the evening. We get some streaming services for free through our cell provider and then will rotate through other paid ones. When we've watched everything we want to watch, we'll drop it and pick up another one. That way we're not paying for a dozen channels we're not watching.
Recently, we dropped one because we were hardly ever watching it. Last night, SS asked to watch a show that's on that dropped service. (We hadn't watched it in more than a month.) DH told him, "Sorry, dude. We don't have that one anymore. How about Show X?"
SS nodded sharply, turned red and started sniffling.
He's 13. That seems excessive.
A couple of weeks ago, he started crying (quietly -- not a tantrum) when DH told him they weren't going to run out and buy him a new baseball bat that day. SS had been standing right there when the coach told him to use the team bats for a couple of weeks to decide which type works best for him. (He just moved up in category and different bats are allowed.)
Anyone else see this happening?
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I'm not in your shoes, but I
I'm not in your shoes, but I think the key word you used here is "managing." This does seem a bit unusual for 13, and it sounds like he needs help in learning to manage disappointments/things not going his way. The question I have is how do you all address this without communicating to him that he should shut down his feelings . . . how can he learn to go ahead and have feelings of disappointment and at the same time learn to let things go a little and move on. I wonder what internally gets triggered when he doesn't get what he wants? Does he understand that everyone regularly experiences things not going their way; we all have to deal with disappointment? This is a tricky one!
Very good questions. My guess
Very good questions. My guess is he has no clue how to manage feelings of disappointment because he's not used to it. He's spoiled and coddled like crazy. Not so much by DH, but definitely by BM and her family. The answer is almost always "yes." So, when he hears "no," he goes haywire.
DH has tried to talk to him about that sort of thing before (it's ok to feel disappointed, but it's normal, etc.). The result? More crying.
He sounds manipulative to me.
He sounds manipulative to me.
If he's not often told no and
If he's not often told no and seems spoiled then it seems as though he's possibly using it as a ploy or tactic to get what he wants. It does seem like he's sensitive. I don't really have the answer. I would think to stick to what boundaries or things you've said even if he cries. I don't think the crying should get him what he wants or else he will just keep doing that to get his way
Eventually he will have to learn to be told no. You can't just agree or say yes so that he doesn't cry (imo)
Oh, we don't. At all. No is
Oh, we don't. At all. No is no -- whether or not there are tears. But it works differently at BM's.
Perhaps it's a bit of him
Perhaps it's a bit of him being sensitive mixed with not getting his way and being upset. Something to work through. It's doesn't seem like full on tactic.
I would agree. I've seen him
I would agree. I've seen him fake cry before. This seems legit -- big emotions he's struggling with. Like I said, DH tries to talk to him, but it hasn't gone well so far. (It usually ends with SS crying more or stomping off angry.)
He's definitely sensitive. Correction is another rough place. Even the gentlest, most constructive criticism or correction brings on tears or anger -- often way out of proportion to whatever it was. Again, DH has tried talking to him. BM and her parents tend to react with "how dare they criticize my baby." That just compounds the problem. Frustrating.
That doesn't help because it
That doesn't help because it undermines what you do. That's a tough one!
When they go stomping off
When they go stomping off crying, let them go. As my dad used to say, they'll come around when they're hungry lol.
I was just going to say
I was just going to say sensitive. I'm not sure if it manipulation unless you are giving in to him all the time when he does it.
I would tell him it's ok to be disappointed. We all get disappointed sometimes. We all feel sad and angry sometimes and we need to learn to control our feelings and release them in healthy ways. Disappointments come and go all the time and they will for the rest of his life.
It seems like a bit of immaturity. He's trying to control his emotions. He doesn't want to cry "like a baby" so he's trying to hold them back. As he gets older, as long as you don't give in to his whims and you treat disappointment like a normal thing, he will eventually get better at regulating his emotions.
Yes, hopefully he'll get
Yes, hopefully he'll get better at managing things. He's always had big emotions and difficulty managing. Unfortunately, BM's method of dealing with it is appeasement and coddling -- doesn't help.
Certainly doesn't help... and
Certainly doesn't help... and makes things harder for you guys to teach him. But he will learn to differentiate between the two households... ie crying works at moms but not at dads... and tbh it will only come back to bite her lol. She will have a monster on her hands who tries to manipulate her all the time. So hold the line! Be understanding of his "big feelings" and firm that sorry but that's life.
Maybe his DAD (note the bold letters... dad... not you... dad oversees this and puts in the work here) could help him brainstorm ways to solve his problem? Ie. Work for $ or selling old toys for $ to pay for his own subscription for a month?
Frustration tears
If he's not being loud, and you don't think he's actually trying to be manipulative, I'd address it without judgement. When you're deeply frustrated (upset with something but you have no ability or authority to change it) your body floods with cortisol. In many people, great frustration and even anger leads to tears. Even as an adult I had a problem where I would well up in tears and be unable to speak when what I really was was angry! It wasn't to manipulate (I could have been alone at home, on the phone). It was just a physical reaction to a cortisol flood.
And then being tearful irritated me more! lol! Vicious cycle! Children have very little authority to make the world go their way, but feel disappointment just as strongly as we do. It may just be a physical reaction to being frustrated and powerless. Let him know that he'll likely grow out of it, but that he needs to focus on dealing with frustration and disappointment with grace.
How does he cope with
How does he cope with disappointment at school?
A couple of years ago, a
A couple of years ago, a teacher told DH SS would get very upset if things didn't go well or if he got something wrong but she was trying to work with him.
Last year I went to parent/teacher conference (it was DH's turn and he threw his back out). The teacher for a class SS struggled in told me he was trying to help him, but SS would turn red and stone faced and stare right past him -- with no change to his work. Same thing we've seen.
Boy do I miss the days
Of "I will give you something to cry about!"
DGD3 had a touch of this recently and I responded " I can't understand you when you are crying... use your words."
Sorry but at 13 years old it's downright manipulative and just wrong. He probably gets his way by doing this at the BM's.
My uncle used this phrase on
My uncle used this phrase on the regular with my cousin (who was quite the handful). I can still hear his voice saying it lol.
Maybe it’s time for him to see
Someone. He going to face disappointment in life. In school. And after that. Him crying doesn't seem normal,,
Agreed. He's going to be
Agreed. He's going to be disappointed. He'll be corrected on things. It's fine to be upset. But that upset? To the point he acts out or falls apart?
That's not good. I can see
That's not good. I can see why you are concerned. I wonder what's going on. Has he ever seen a counselor to discuss his feelings?
He saw one once several years
He saw one once several years ago and refused to talk, so they dropped it. Last year, he got involved in a couple of fights and BM signed the form for him to talk to the school counselor, but as far as I know, he never went and no one emfirced.
IMO he's too old to cry about
IMO he's too old to cry about things like that. Either he has emotional issues that therapy may help with, or he still does it because it's encouraged at BM's (meaning he gets what he wants when he does it.) This isn't necessarily his fault if he either has a mental disorder or has been "trained" to do it, but his dad needs to either get him help or train it out of him. The way i dealt with it with my kids (they were younger though) is i would look at them incredulously and say "You're crying over THAT? Come on, that's no reason to cry!" Then i would distract them. It worked.
ETA my SO's 14-year-old son would cry over little things he wanted until he was maybe 12. He did it because it worked. Once he tried it on me and i could see him working his face into the frown and trying to produce the tears. He actually forcibly stuck his bottom lip out. It was so obvious.
IMHO, this kind of crap
IMHO, this kind of crap happens because it is tolerated. Zero tolerance ends it.
"Stop it now or go stand with your nose in the hallway corner until you can behave as a 13yo instead of a toddler. Now. Move!" Then let him have a meltdown in the corner while you turn up the volume on the show you are watching.
We did not have this, because we would not tolerate it.
Too many parents lose touch with reality that their job is to raise children to function in the world and not to protect their children from the world. Two very different things.
Learn to deal with disappointent kid. Period. Dot. At 13, he is at the earn it and buy it age. I wanted a new bike when I was that age. The deal was, I earn and save half other purchase prices, my parents would match that and we would buy the bike I wanted.
The baseball bat sounds like the perfect opportunity for this lesson. The teary pouty red faced snotty faced crap at 13 over not getting to watch the show he wants, oh hell no.
Nose, corner, NOW!
Lather, rinse, repeat until he can behave appropriately for his age rather than manipulating with toddler bullshit.
IMHO of course.
It's funny.. one of my
It's funny.. one of my coworkers was relating at work how his tween son is in a baseball league and he has never seen so many tears in the dugout.. kids that are out of whack for a whole inning..
His older daughter plays volleyball.. no tears.
I don't know.. seems backwards to me.. I guess I will be the fogey saying "kids these days"....haha
The emasculation of male
The emasculation of male children is sadly a thing. The bullshit made up crap of toxic masculinity and all.
"Get over here and I will give you something to cry about" used to be about all it took to turn off the water works that were unwarranted.
"Snips, and snails, and puppy dog tails, that is what little boys are made of."
"Sugar, and spice, and everything nice, that is what little girls are made of."
As the nursery rhyme used to say. Boys adventuring like boys, collecting bugs, snails, bringing home stray puppies, climbing trees, building forts, collecting crayfish and minnows from the creek and raising them in an aquarium, jumping over lines of friends lying on the ground under a ramp on your bike, dirt clod and snowball fights. Now, boys are not even let outside because parents are afraid of the boogie man. It is far easier to stick a digital passefier in their hands and let them numb their brains, grow fearful of the world, and call for mommy or daddy to bring them a drink.
Better for dad to drag them outside to the shed and build shelves, teach them to change a tire on the car, dig pits and level the yard, mow the yard, scrape paint off of the fence and repaint it, learn that a splinter won't kill them, etc, etc, etc...
Boys will be boys has been ripped out of being a boy. Schools do it, weak parents do it. Supposed mental health and behavioral health professionals do it.
Sadly.