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What to do?

Hesitant's picture

Submitted by Hesitant on Tue, 07/24/2007 - 1:44pm

I do not want to parent my BF's children. They have parents already, and I am not one of them. Specifically, I do not want to discipline them, their actions, or their behavior. I know this would open an entirely ugly and messy can of worms. It's a battle I don't care to fight.

How BF's kids act when he has them has nothing to do with me. Some of their behavior I find offensive, immature and rude, but hey...they're kids. More importantly...they're not my kids!

That being said I find I still need some advice. What do you do when you're out with the BF & kids and other people? As in, friends of yours and the kids act up? And BF does absolutely nothing? Or sees nothing wrong with their behavior therefore makes no effort to stop it?

This happened recently with me and I was mortified. But if my BF really didn't see anything wrong with their behavior what can I do? Or if it's acceptable behavior to him (yet not to the rest of society) how do I even broach the subject?

Comments

Krissy's picture

Submitted by Krissy on Tue, 07/24/2007 - 3:09pm

One of the few things that we didn't fight about while we were together was discipline. When SS was acting up in public, EX handled it well. In the beginning, I totally deferred to his authority, but as time went on and I got more comfortable with SS, I slowly took on a more parental role and handled the discipline at times myself. I felt like you do--SS had a mother and a father AND a stepfather and didn't need yet another person telling him what to do. Nor did I want to spend my time policing him. But guinessgirl is right--this child is going to be in your house and you are still the adult. You really do need to discuss some laws of the land with BF. You still don't have to be the one to actually speak to SS when he's bad, but as long as you agree on what is and is not acceptable, BF should jump right in when the situation calls for it.

I have also learned as a SM and a BM that kids will embarrass you. Plain and simple. Even the most well-behaved, even-tempered child has a bad day and usually that bad day comes when you're in the mall or amongst 5 other kids that are acting like perfect angels! I have learned not to care as much what other people think about me or my child, even if they're my friends. I mean, yeah, if the kid is just crazy and out of hand, you don't just ignore it, but for me, I noticed that I would get aggitated more because I anticipated what others were thinking than I did simply in response to what SS or DD was doing. I admit though that in general I am trying to be less of an apologist for myself and my life because I've spent a lot of time worrying about what people think and qualifying my behaviors and those of the people around me to virtual strangers. Smile

Good luck!
Krissy

goingcrazy's picture

Submitted by goingcrazy on Tue, 07/24/2007 - 8:07pm

and you assume the responsibility to some level. If you don't want to be a parent to the kids, or at least support BF when he has them, then maybe he isn't the man for you. It takes a strong unity between two people to make a step family work. If you are adament about not being involved, the allow BF to find someone who will be.

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Wed, 07/25/2007 - 6:04am

If you're not planning to ever take an active role with his kids, then maybe this isn't the right situation for you. If you're not invested enough to share in the parenting, then it's hard to claim the right to tell him how he should do it.

The blended family thing is hard enough as it is. You can't do it halfway and expect the relationship to succeed.

~ Anne ~

"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." ...Anonymous

evilsm's picture

Submitted by evilsm on Wed, 07/25/2007 - 9:55am

I agree with you about not parenting of your step children. I feel exactly the same that my SD does not need another parent, another adult to love and support her is one thing, another parent is totally another. I am hands off when it comes to disciplining my SD, my choice and I am very happy that I have made that decision. See I love my husband with all my heart and think he is a wonderful man, I do not agree however with some of the decisions he makes where SD is concerned. I did not marry my husband to be a parent, I married him to be a loving partner and support him in every way. In order for me to do that I cannot continue to argue and disagree with him about his parenting of HIS child. Only makes my life hell and puts pressure on my relationship with my DH. SD is almost 12 and has been raised by a BM with much different values and expectations than myself, I can't change that nor do I wish to have drama with DH or BM about it. If I were you Hesitant, I would simply not go out in public with Skids if they are not required to be respectful or behaved.

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

Hesitant's picture

Submitted by Hesitant on Wed, 07/25/2007 - 5:47pm

Maybe I wasn't clear enough before. I do not want to be 'disconnected' from my BF's children. On the contrary I want to be a part of their lives in a constructive way. Arguing with BF about how his parenting styles/skills differ from my own is not constructive in my book.

I also determined that going out again with BF and the Stepkids would be on a very limited basis. And the times that we have to and they act up I'm going to walk away. I can only guess that when my friends request a 'no kid' party or gathering in the future (because of what happened and will probably continue to happen when his kids run amuck) he will figure it out on his own what has happened.

I know in my heart of hearts I will not be able to change his parenting views and styles and quite honestly I don't want to try. He is who he is and in spite of it I still love him and want to be with him and his children. Maybe time and seeing how other people discipline their children will change his point of view. I doubt it, but I suppose it's always a possibility. In the meantime I will just take the 'hand's off' approach because it seems to work!