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How to deal with daddy guilt issues?

Iwisallowed's picture

How do you all deal with extreme daddy guild issues? My DH basically has a break down and gets extremely upset/mad when I mention issues with his kids. One time I tried to make house rules and he freaked out because he said I was talking bad about them because they need rules...a million more things like this. 

Comments

Stepmum2015's picture

I know exactly what you are saying, it is fear. He will be terrified they don't want to come any more. It has taken me 4 years to finally agree to a bedtime routine, and he still tried to push against it, the best of it is SD wants to, she has a star chart for good behaviour. I don't think you can change his guilt. If you want house rules, I would look at reward charts and sell it to the children not him, that's how I did it, SD likes to get the stars and the reward when she achieves her goal.  Good luck.

Survivingstephell's picture

Guilty dads have a higher chance of becoming grandfather's earlier, have kids that refuse to launch and grow up and have terrible marriages from putting any spouse/gf last.  

SeeYouNever's picture

This is why I stopped talking about SD at all. Everything I sad about her was interpreted negatively and made him defensive. I don't bring her up anymore and when he does I just grunt or say uh huh. She's his concern not mine. 

BethAnne's picture

Ultimately you can't. He has to do it. He might need a therapist to help see how his guilt harms his kids more than being the bad guy sometimes and then help him find ways to process his emotions and parent better.  

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. These men can't see past their own need to not feel bad in order to be good parents. Being an actual parent, ie, setting limits, discipline, making kids upset etc, makes him feel bad, so he won't do it. It's ultimately a selfish act on his part but he's viewing it as a kindness to his kids to not give them too many rules, so they will be "happy".

If he can understand that kids who are not given rules and discipline often can't be functional adults, maybe he could see that the short-term pain is worth the long-term gain - but he won't likely hear that from you. He might hear it from a marriage therapist.

Merry's picture

My skids are adults, so look forward to a lifetime of Daddy guilt.

I make the issue about what I need, not about how he or his kids need to change. Ignore me in favor of a marathon trip down memory lane? I'll just go back home, or skip the next trip to the Holy Land altogether. Interrupt a date to talk to a kid after we agreed we wouldn't have our phones? Fine, talk all you want--I'll take the car and go somewhere else (which I actually did).

I typically don't say anything if it doesn't affect me, but when it does then it becomes a discussion about my boundaries. I mention as little about his kids as possible, and I use all those good marriage counseling techniques, "When you do x, I feel y, so therefore I will z." It's always about DH and me, even if his kids are being selfish and controlling.

 

Iwisallowed's picture

My house is clean but he freaks out it it's dirty at all. My kid will have a plate somewhere and he says I don't clean it up fast enough. Yet when his kids are here are trash the place, it's okay. 

Iwisallowed's picture

We have a six bedroom house and he came home after a trip and got mad because my kid was playing Xbox in our room and he had no where to go to relax but when. HIS kids are here I freak out of they come into our room. The one room. While the overrun the house.