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ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So to catch you all up on my SUPER fabulous life... I play video games. A lot lately... One in particular online game I have a guild in.  Which is great.  My guild, like pretty well every other guild is the game, is primarily male, which is no biggie at all.

That's just eh background, onto the issue at hand:

I'm not ready to date, so I'm super open about that,  no false hope or expectations.  But I am making loads of friends in the guild,  sometimes one of the guys will hit on me or try to push for more, i let them know i"m not looking to date, it's no big deal, and we move forward and are just friends.  I talk to pretty well everyone in the guild on varying degrees,  they're a fairly close bunch and we get along great and have bonded over gaming, I have several coworkers in there as well, so there are real life friends.

There are a few guys in particular that I'm going to discuss.

Yes we have the PhD student I've previously mentioned.  We talk literally all day eery day.  Neither of us are ready to date, so yes, there is some flirting, yes he's cute.  But we're both totally comfortable and have discussed that neither of us are looking for a relationship, so it's just friendship.  This is a non-issue.

We have canadian homie, who did try and push for soemthing at first, and made me mildly uncomfortable, but I've reitterated my expectations and made it fully clear we won't be dating.  He's chill with that.  We talk as friends, and it's a non issue.

But then last one, who I THOUGHT was a non-issue.  He's nice,  easy to talk to, etc.  So we chat, BUT he started calling me babe.  I again, like before itterated how I don't want to date, I"m not ready for that. He still tried to use pet names some, but told me about how he understands and that's fine, but let's still be friends.  The other day he even said "even though this is only a friendship, I'm glad we talk." And I was like "yeah, me too homie."

I thought with dude number 3... THings were smoothly solved. UNTIL last night.  Canada mentions I said something to him.  Legit about my life.  So I woke up to messages becuase he said something and why am I talking to other people??? Well you see dude... Because we're not in a relationsip... And I enjoy good conversation...  So apparently he IS an issue.  I have again reiiterated my expectations and told him that we probably won't be talking as much.

But oh my gosh.  I'm just never going to date EVER.  All these crazies all over the place!  Like I don't even KNOW these three people! Why is this an issue at all???

And that's on leaving step hell and being a single female.  Gonna have to just start my hermit life and stop talking to humans all together.


Gimlet's picture

Good to hear from you!

Girl, look how fast you sussed out the possessive and unhealthy behavior from Dude #3 and shut that down.  Well done.

You keep healing and keep those expectation sky high. 

Crspyew's picture

That guy has a long way to grow if he thinks it's ok to use that term with casual acquaintances which is essentially what you are.  Referring to me by babe was a huge red flag when I was dating.  I have a name--use it.

btw--PhD guy sounds great but if u are chatting all day everyday it sounds like you maybe more than friends.  Proceed cautiously if you ever meet in person.  All of this chatting could give you a false sense of security about the person he really is.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

As of now there are zero plans to ever meet in person. He's working on his PhD and i"m figuring out life :)  But I will keep that in mind.  I met my ex online and half some major paranoia with how easy it was for him to mask who he was.

beebeel's picture

A lot of guys are stupid thirsty online. It sucks. It's way better now that I'm "old" (in gamer years) and married, but the struggle was real in my 20s. Most of the guilds/teams I've been a member of in recent years had a age minimum of 25. Like many things, it's gets better with age. Hang in there lol.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

They really are.  I admittedly had to leave my frist guild due to that.  Got nasty when I said no.  This guild has been a lot better, just with some hiccups, but the leadership have kicked a person or two for being innapripriate (after talking to them about stopping and giving them one last chance of course).  Things should get better with age :)  My guild is ranged 25-35, with a few outliers.

advice.only2's picture

So curious if you do start dating somebody from a game do you ever actually meet them? Not being snarky I legit don't think I grasp this concept.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't think I could start dating someone from a game tbh. They seem to be nice people.  BUt there would have to be something OUTSIDE of the game.  I have no plans to date any of them, or frankly anyone at all, but I feel that it would have to be fully transitioned out of the game.

Iamwoman's picture

Hey PA!

Keep those boundaries strong. Yes, guys can be very territorial, and as is always the "tale of time," many of them do not understand the word "no."

I'm glad you're vetting them in a safe environment.

That type of controlling, territorial behavior is what young men use to recruit young women with low self esteem into co trolling relationships and sex trafficking. Watch out!

Can you tell I'm a bit paranoid and have a teen daughter? Ha. I have had "the talk" with her numerous times (through no action of hers - just me being repetitive). The "talk" these days isn't just about sex, but trafficking, online dangers, red flags, etc.!

somethingwicked's picture

All this  and if I may add watch out for the "Incels".They are huge gamers and because of that have zero social skills and because of THAT  hate women because they are so often rejected when looking to date or mate  .

Incels are a misogynist movement.They troll to find  women  to hurt and worse.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Iamwoman! I LOVE you!

Also that behavior is why he has been officially told off as of this morning as well :)  Being safe is beyond important, and since i met my ex online, I have especially paranoid about how people can present themselves as a fully different person online.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Dealing with a lot of the s*** just helped me put things in perspective a lot better :)  Easier to avoid a situation you've already been in!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Iamwoman, I’m not sure if you are asking how to keep your daughter safe during online gaming, but some games have an option to disable chat in a parental control feature. 


futurobrillante99's picture

PAI, #3 is pushing boundaries. He may not be a narcissist, but it's a red flag that he doesn't care about your boundaries. He is not someone you ever want to be in a relationship with or it will be a repeat of the last one.

Make no mistake - I know I will sound cynical - If PhD has the time to talk to you all day, he's investing in the hopes that he will be first on your list to date the moment you are ready.

A wise conversation from the movie "When Harry Met Sally" is the assertion that women and men can't be friends because guys are hoping for more - some women, too. In the conversation, Harry admits that he pretty much wants to bang women he considers friends.

Don't kid yourself. You will reveal plenty about yourself while being "friendly" with a guy than you might not if you were out on a first, second or third date. Be careful because a narcissist can study you while friends to gather information that you reveal innocently to launch a full onslaught to win you over later on.

A lot of guys will be encouraged by you being "friends" with them and will bide their time until you are ready. And too often, they will be upset when you start dating..........someone else.

Talk to your therapist about this, but I would encourage you to do a narc check on your friends. Talk less to PhD and see how he reacts. Be less available or distracted and see if one or more of the three "friends" acts possessive or jealous.

You've just come out of an abusive situation and you're still vulnerable to manipulation. ((hugs))


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Particularly with number 3 I try and maintain talk pretty solely to the game we share in common.  I'm not too fond on releasing private information, and him already trying to be territorial is FAR from an attractive quality Smile

You're completely right, and that's part of why really I don't want to date right now.  I'm trying  to figure myself out, am transitioning to living alone, and I have plenty of housework to keep myself busy for the time being! Smile

As for PhD, I could totally see that point of view that you're coming from.  So I should probably be more weary and distance myself just a bit as well. So thank you!

futurobrillante99's picture

The only thing I'd suggest with PhD is to lessen the daily conversations just in case he's gaining your trust to learn your vulnerabilities. I hate to suspect every person of being a narcissist, but even non-narcissists might try to learn everything they can about you to mold themselves into someone that would appeal to you. It's not necessarily malevolent, but it's healthier, if you have no intention of dating anytime soon, if you vary your interests and not focus your energies on this friendship. It can be a comfortable crutch and one person may become more emotionally invested than the other. And gals like us who are nice and empathic, will feel bad about immediately ignoring guys that cross the line or when we haven't gotten good at enforcing boundaries - that's what attracts the narcissists.

As a guild member, can you just blow off the game for a few days or a week? And then be vague about where you were or what you were doing? Can you say in your profile that you're in a relationship? I know a lot women will post an older age, unflattering picture or fib about their relationship status. When asked, they will just dodge the question by saying they are "taken."

You don't owe anything to a stranger on the internet - not even me! LOL Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's so good to get an update from you!

I don't game, but it sounds like a different kind of minefield for females, for sure. This guy you describe would be right at home in Reddit's Nice Guy sub! Still, it also sounds like a safe place for you to practice drawing boundaries and being assertive. Gaming as therapy, yay!

Crazy Gamer story - my friend's sweet nephew John was a big gamer in his early twenties, and made some "friends" through a game he played regularly. The friends, a couple in Canada, seemed nice and normal, and the "friendship" continued after they immigrated to New Zealand. They invited John to come for a vist, and he dropped a chunk of change to fly to the bottom of the world. The visit was a disaster. Things got awkward after the first few days, and the wife did not like John. He ended up having to change his flight, with the husband apologetically dropping him off at the airport. A hard, expensive lesson for sure.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

MAJOR ouch.  I dont' think I could ever go to visit one of these people I met online like that.  At the very least no without my own place to stay and my own transportation.. THat way if we realize we hate each other, it's not awkward and a rush to get out.

futurobrillante99's picture

Are you still officially married or is the divorce final? If you're technically still married, I'd update your profile so no one else bothers you and I wouldn't chit chat with guys who try to chat you up. Wink

lieutenant_dad's picture

He crosses a boundary with you again, I hope you block him and report him to guild admin. You don't have to give people multiple chances to fix themselves. You can tell someone once how to behave, and then cut contact from there.

And don't feel guilty (not that you do, but just saying) if you get flirty. You're young. You're single. You don't owe anyone more of you than you're willing to give. You can be a flirt and leave it right there at flirting. If someone doesn't like that, they can draw their own boundary.

I also agree with everyone else. You're doing great at finding out these people early and setting boundaries. That's a lot of great growth!!!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

/ignore player (or something like that). Or new guild.  

I have been put off dating, but if I ever were to date again I would take a couple of chaperones (aka friends) for the first few dates. 


hereiam's picture

My friend is a widow and she's having a really hard time finding someone to date. It's really crazy out there in the dating world (at any age).

If something happened to my DH, I guess I'm solo for the rest of my life. Nobody else would put up with me, for one thing!