Further Developments with SD soon to be 20
Hi Everyone, I'm back again *biggrin*
Ok so relationship with SD19 after boundaries were set has been great.... few minor trying her luck moments but a quick reminder that we're not putting up with that behaviour anymore soon puts a stop to that.
So here is the dilemma..... At the age of 19 my SD doesn't have a job or leave the house that much, myself and my DH are trying to encourage her to move forward in life but it is hard to keep up momentum when she doesn't live under our roof..... Her BM is toxic towards her and if my SD tries to have a basic conversation with her about her life things blow up pretty quickly.
I personally think BM is holding her back and that my SD issues and lack of maturity come from years of emotional abuse.
BM will often not have food in the house and when my SD questions why she is told to shut the F UP, get a job and buy your own food. When she does buy her own food the others eat it because of the shortage of other options.... I should stress their financial situation is fine the lack of food is just down to I can't be bothered to do a shop.
Now don't get me wrong i'm all for her getting a job but I do think support, guidance and encouragment is a better way of approaching it than the put downs.
Last night my SD messaged us in tears and she sent us an image of a message exchange between herself and her mum. My SD was trying to create a birthday wish list on amazon and she sent it to her BM just to see if she could open the link and this is the response she got " You don't want much of my hard earned money do you?! Bit of a cheek, sitting home all day and then having a birthday list for those of us who go to work to treat you with. Wow " when my SD said ok I don't want an fing brthday anyway! her mum replied with "OK.... Dummy well and truly spat! I didn't ask for a birthday list did I"
Am I wrong in thinking that is a dreadful way to talk to your child?
BM also took her husband and their 2 boys for Mc Donalds the other day and just left my SD at home with no food to make dinner just because BM thought she hadn't done enough chores that day, they just left without telling her and told her to F Off when she phoned them about it.
She eats at our house daily at the moment because of the stress of it all.
I have no idea what to do about it so any help is appreciated *sad*
- Julie-1234's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Does SD go to school? Does
Does SD go to school? Does she work at all? At almost 20? It seems rude but i have an 18-year-old and you get sick of working all day, coming home in the evening to cooking and chores, and there's another adult just hanging out in jammies asking for presents and food. Birds will just stop feeding their young at a certain point and will push them out of the nest. I understand now.
ETA it would be better if BM (who it seems has had full custody) had been a better parent and gradually prepared SD for adulthood.
She has been a troubled child
She has been a troubled child since I met her at the age of 4...... Her mental maturity is that of a 13/14 year old she is at the same level mentally as my 13 year old BD.
She breifly went to college when she was 17 then dropped out of that with anxiety and she breifly had a job in the local supermarket where she couldn't cope with the social aspect of it.
The BM controls every aspect of her life including when she could or couldn't see her BD and who and who she can't have a relationship with. There's been no prep or guidance for adulthood including puberty. As her SM I wasn't even allowed to explain or prepare her for body changes/ periods.
My DH has tried to help her with finding a job and her BM tells him to leave her alone and accuses him of putting pressure on her.
She's 20. Has she ever worked
She's 20. Has she ever worked or gone to college? What is her game plan for life? Are you still paying support to her mum?
She did briefly after school,
She did briefly after school, she states anxiety, lack of social skills and has little direction in life.
My DH no longer pays support to BM instead we feed her everyday and buy her essentials, provide clothing and take her to her appointments with the Job centre, Doctors ect
If you are taking her to
If you are taking her to doctor appts and a job center, you are leading the horse to water. She has to be willing to drink it. Home is too comfortable. Cut off her internet. Other electronics. Give her chores. Or is DH bringing these things to SD at BM's house?
We work Mon-Fri 9-5 so she
We work Mon-Fri 9-5 so she stays at the BM house so the only meal she gets is if we buy her food to take home or the evening meal she eats in the evening at our house.
BM does nothing to actively encourage chores or job hunting and to be honest she is ok with it a lot of the time, other times she will rant which confuses my SD.... BM refuses to have anything to do with any aspect of SD life unless it's an occasion like Christmas where she likes to play happy families.
SD Needs a job
For many reasons. Basically just to get out. Earn some money get self worth . You must push her to get a job. What she can do. McDonald type of fast food. Local restaurants , pizza places .. Employer need hard workers. If she is willing to do the hard jobs, they will love her. It will get her out and about , looking at problems differently.
She is so involved in crap with her mother , if she out maybe she will make friends. Ect.
19 years old asking for food
19 years old asking for food and sending bday wishlists to her mother who provides for the entire household on a single income....the cheek indeed
Quit pitying that adult grown woman and let her deal with her mother. The mother isnt babying her. She wants food, she can get it herself or make some. If the others eat it, then she can find a storage solution or share food with her siblings up to her. Also should be doing anything she can while mother is gone at work to make life easier and enjoyable.
If she doesnt like it, she can move out to live on her own but most adults like that end up in roommate situations in which they are unable to hold their end of the bargain or engaging any responsibilities
Of she plays these mind games with you lot and you fall for the crocodile tears until you move her in and fall into a deep dark nightmare with a demon woman acting like a child....Beware...
Dont worry about how she talks to her own daughter, that is their family dynamics and they probably do a lot worse behind closed doors....You are the outsider and always will be
The situation is the BM is
The situation is the BM is the reason my SD is the way she is, she's never supported her or helped her grow into the young adult she should be. She's certainly not a single mum there are 2 wages going into her household.
If you research parental emotional abuse my SD is showing all of the long term effects anxiety, poor academic record, poor social skills, imatturity, anger issues, the list goes on.
SD does do jobs around the home when BM is at work like clean, put washing on ect.
I do feel your comment is a bit harsh because how is a child meant to grow and learn when her main carer barely cooks or cleans herself.
When she's with us she's a different person all together, happier and more relaxed. She won't stay with us permanently because she struggles to cut the strings that's attached to her BM.
Yes SD is an adult, in body she is yes but unfortunately in mind she is not.
Nothing you can do.
Sad, but true. She is an adult and could move to your home very easily. You/your husband can do nothing to change the bm or the type of home she keeps. Perhaps bm is on purpose making it uncomfortable to get her "out of the nest".
Sadly not she's been like it
Sadly not she's been like it all her life or at least since 4 when the marriage broke down.
SD holds the keys to her own cell
There is no solution to this problem that does not involve SD starting to adult. Yes, BM sounds emotionally abusive. But, guess what, there is nothing you can do that is going to change that. And SD has got to learn how to stand on her own two feet. I'm sure she's anxious. Who wouldn't be? Change is scary. But she's got to be the one that decides that scary change, getting a job, earning her own money, is better than the status quo. You don't seem receptive to any advice that requires SD to have agency in this situation, you just seem to want to blame BM. And I'm sure she's horrible. But she is not going to change and there is nothing you can do about it. SD is an adult and needs to start acting like it. Encourage her to get mental health help and get a job and move out. That's the only way this situation will get better.
As infuriating as it is for
As infuriating as it is for BM's household to tell the 19yo to STFU and get a job.... That is also the official stance of CPS in SpermLand. At a much younger age than 19. When my SIL was 15 my MIL and FIL bought a farm 5hrs drive from their small farm/home and left leaving my DW's then 15yo sister alone for weeks at a time. DW filed a CPS complaint against her own parents. The home would have been a notable episode on the reality show Horders. No food in the house. Rodent infestation of the house, etc, etc, etc.... CPS called my DW and told her that SIL was old enough to get a job, work, feed herself and clean up the property.
So the 19yo, who is past 18 and ostensibly an adult, is shit out of luck from an official perspective.
If the 19yo does not have the motivation to get her own head out of her ass and provide for herself, that is on her. Any special needs issues not withstanding.
My SS-31 was without motivation or a plan after he graduated from HS then turned 18 3mos later. We had guided, advised, etc... He was just not ready to put the effort in at University that we would have fully funded. He was not interested in getting a job. In hind sight I am proud that he finally told us that he understood that University was important and that he would eventually finish his Bachelors but was not ready to focus and put in the effort. He told us it would be a waste of his time and our money.
So, we built and lit the burning platform to get him to launch. We worked his ass off as our live in beck and call chore boy. 8+ hours of chores each work day M-F including prepping, preparing, serving, and clean up after dinner. He also did all of the cooking and clean up on the weekends. The list grew incrementally the longer he remained content to pursue a sofa rodeo rider life in our home. If he wanted to be in the home the next day, he had to get the exhaustive chore list done each day. If ne failed to have it done, he was on the curb the next AM when we left for work. No key. He tested us twice. Both times, on the curb, no food, and only the garden hose for water all day. Once we were home from work, he had to finish the chores he failed the finish the previous day, all of the chores for the day he spent on the curb, prepare, serve, and clean up after dinner. All while not disturbing anyone else or their sleep. He received nothing but a roof over his head, and meals. If we went out for dinner, he came with us. If we took a weekend visit to family, he came with us. But... he had zero autonomy, money, etc, etc, etc... When we left for work, the internet was turned off, cable was turned off, and data on his phone was suspended. He could do nothing but his chores, have conversations with the parrot, text or call. That was it.
We worked his ass of. 4.5 mos later he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program until his career slot opened up. He remained our life in beck and call chore boy for 4more months with ever increasing drudgery, servitude, and misery until his report date to MEPS arrived.
The burning platform works. Try it. At 19, depending on where you live, DH's CS obligation has ended as has the visitation schedule.
At this point, her life is entirely of her own making.
While BM's words are less than mature and are definately offensive, BM's message is exactly on point.
IMHO you and DH need to stop coddling and feeding SD-19/STB-20 unless you make her earn her meals at your home. Rather than taking offense to BM's very accurate message to this Skidult, you and DH need to get on board in delivering that same message though you can certainly make your presentation of that correct message with more coaching and guidance oriented wording.
Stop coddling, start putting your foot to her ass with your boot in full flame as you add burning planks on the SD launch platform. When it gets hot enough, she will jump into adulthood.
I get BM's fury on this. An adult child living in her home, consuming resources better used for BM's young children, and... the pure audacity to send a gift lift for her B-day. WTF!!!!! If I were BM, my wording would be far more pointed. As should the wording you and DH deliver to this entitlement demanding lazy Skidult spawn.
IMHO of course.
We all inherrit problems from our parents. At some point those become our problems to solve. No doubt BM is a major contributor to SD-19's issues. However, those issues are now SD-19's to either solve or live with. SD-19 and only SD-19 can fix this. It cannot be spoon fed to her, it cannot be solved for her. Time for some tuff love and taking away of any and all conduits for SD-19 to avoid experiencing the full weight of her choices. Turn up the heat, and keep pointing SD to the edge of the platform to launch.
The Military has been a huge benefit for my SD-31. He is a few months from his 13th service anniversary and is a man of accomplishment, performance, honor, character, and standing in his profession and community. There was a time when his mom and I were beyond heartbroken at his struggles. The best thing we ever did was induce an escalating state of abject misery as his day in and day out life. He jumped and never looked back. He has never asked us for a Cent since launching. We are amazing close as a family. His mom and I are extremely proud of him.