How do we handle SD17's college contribution
Long story short the only major problems we've had with SKIDS have been with SD17, she is convinced that DH and I are crap people and has basically been living with BM for 3 years now and comes to visit occassionally (usually around christmas surprise surprise).
We haven't seen her since Christmas, SS21 just had a birthday and he's staying with us now for spring break. SD19 reached out to me to see if we were doing anything for his birhtday so I let her know we were going to hang out with grandparents and do dinner and she took off work so she could come. I sent the same info to SD17 because I knew if we didn't include her we would end up being vilified that she was excluded. DH was not too happy about me including her, said his day was going to suck now because she's such a sour puss. SD17 and SD19 came over together for the day, but SD17 did multiple crappy things and now I may have finally gotten to the point where I don't even want to do the bare minimum.
1. DD7 came to me in tears because she didnt' understand why SD17 was ignoring her (this has been an ongoing problem and was a big cause of her moving out in the first place, we asked her to treat the little kids like people and be kind). Instead of trying to excuse SD17's behavior like I have in the past I told DD7 I was sorry and told her to stand up for herself and tell her sister that she was hurting her feelings, she wrote her a note that she was making her sad and asked her to be nice. SD17 took the note, didn't read it and put it down, only upsetting DD7 more
2. We have a 10 year old dog that was diagnosed with cancer (wrapped around her spine) 18 months ago, she's on a lot of different meds and specialty food to help her be comfortable as she still is happy and lively so we're not ready to let her go yet. She recently developed a dry eye issue where I have to put in eye ointment 2x a day and while I was doing that and explaining SD17 says "why don't you just put her down" and I freaking lost it. Started to actually defend our decision then thought better of it and replied with "why would you even say that" and she said "she just has so many medical issues" and I said "how would you know, you're never even around, we're doing the best we can" then I left the room and didn't come back out until she was gone for the night. Have not received any apology, and never expect to, just another instance of her doing stupid rude crap and me having to be the bigger person and pretend it never happened.
So with all that being said, for SS21 and SD19 DH and I have set a $$ amount to contribute to their colleges. DH doesn't want to give anything to SD17 but in the past I figured that would change, now I'm not so sure. SD17 did mention during her visit that she applied for a beauty school nearby, which is surprising she volunteered anything about her current life so my guess is that was her way of asking for money. I've been very stuck on what to do here because I feel like DH and I both don't want to give her money, she's been rude and mean and hurtful, with no remorse and why would we help someone like that? But on the other side, I know very well that if we do not give her money, she will just see it as a confirmation in her mind that DH and I are horrible people and don't care about her. Stuck between a rock and a hard place...
so what would you do?
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"our money is for family and
"our money is for family and you are choosing to not be an active member of our family unless you want gifts or money."
edit to add: you know she's going to still treat you like crap and justify it in her own mind. what are you really losing if you don't give her any?
You're right there...even if
You're right there...even if we do give her money there is no way she's going to just magically change so we wouldn't be losing anything. Never thought about it that way...
Well OSD here hasn't spoken
Well OSD here hasn't spoken to DH but once since age 15, when at 17/18, she demanded money for college. He said no. Now if she was still in contact the answer would have been different.
I think it depends on if she ACTUALLY goes to (any) school. You and your DH should decide on an amount, and only send it to the school directly, not to her ever. But she also needs to talk with you about this, where she's enrolled, what the costs are, enrollment proof, etc. Maybe it's just enough for supplies or books, it doesn't have to be a huge amount.
With the older skids they
With the older skids they were around so we knew about their plans and their colleges etc. so we were able to talk with them about what we could contribute etc. With SD17 she's never around, so its not like we would be given a natrual opportunity to talk about it with her so it would pretty much require her to come ask for money. We don't give any of the skids actual money, we always pay directly to the school, so that's an easy rule to keep.
My DH was actually in
My DH was actually in agreement with me on the no money for college if he's 0% involved with ANYTHING at all. He's "not a wallet" as he said to OSD. If she doesn't put on her big-girl pants and have a discussion with your DH at the very least about her further schooling then NOPE, I agree that she gets nothing. Part of growing up and moving on does sometimes involve mature discussions about needs/wants/plans and I fully believe moving out of the parents home, a car, college, etc. are essential to learning about "real world" things.
Whenever situations like this
Whenever situations like this arise with my SDs, I try to take some time before I make a decision so I'm not too emotional. And then if I'm still conflicted, I try to figure out what is the "right" or fair thing to do. Taking how I feel or how my SDs are behaving out of the equation and objectively evaluating the situation. Often what's fair or right isn't what I actually want to do in the moment, but I'll say that with the distance of time, I have never regretted doing what was right. Having a clear conscience is really important to me, and also I don't ever want my SDs to be able to truthfully say that they've been mistreated.
In your case, I would do exactly for your youngest skid as you've done for the others. BUT I would also make her ask you directly. Don't let her get away with not sharing info with you personally and just assuming that someone else will relay her plans to you. And if you've made rules for the others (they have to maintain a certain gpa, etc), those apply to her as well. I think that in retrospect, even if she never mends her ways, you and your DH will both rest easier knowing she can't truthfully say that you didn't treat her fairly.
This is definitely the way I
This is definitely the way I feel about almost everything in life....be the good person, do what is right even if it's not "earned". That's why up until this point, I've felt like we would still contribute even though DH didn't want to, I still felt like it was the right thing to do.
With how crappy she has been lately I just find myself second guessing it all...
And I fully expect that even if we do contribute as we have to the other skids, that she wills till claim we didn't treat her fairly
You're absolutely justified
You're absolutely justified in second guessing the decision to help her. And quite frankly, you'd be justified to not help her for any reason, or no reason at all. Because it's your money and she isn't entitled to it. Only you and your DH know if it's worth it to help her just for the sake of fairness. Or if you'll rest easier knowing you didn't reinforce bad behavior by helping someone who has treated y'all poorly. It's not an easy or simple decision, I know. I've been there with my own SDs in so many situations over the years.
I'm normally a proponent if
I'm normally a proponent of helping kids with school to the extent you're able, but I draw the line at helping someone who is rude and mean and elects not to act as a member of the family. She has chosen not to behave as part of the family, so she shouldn't get the benefits that come with that.
right?! I feel like she
right?! I feel like she literally only comes around when she needs/wants something, she has absolutely no interest in being part of the family.
My nephew died in October, and my mom has been battling breast cancer since November, on top of the whole sick dog thing...and not a single time has she asked about them or how I am or offered condolonces or anything. Only thing she's done is suggested we put our dog down which just pissed me off
Too many of these skids have
Too many of these skids have gotten coddled to the point where they act like toddlers, expecting everyone around them to anticipate their every whim without their having to ask.
If she wants something, she should have to put on her big girl panties and ask. Then a discussion can happen around her behavior, her plans, and your expectations. She can try to blame you if she doesn't get what she wants, but if she never asked, your answer is that she never asked. It would be unreasonable for her to make a case that you didn't read her mind.
College isn't for everybody. Equal and equitable are two different things. If beauty school is cheaper, you shouldn't have to make up the difference by buying her a car.
Yea I guess that's a good
Yea I guess that's a good point, when/if she even comes to us and asks for money we can at least talk to her about how crappy she's been and essentially tell her she doesn't deserve it. Then maybe we'll pay for some anyways so we feel like we're doing the right thing, but have also said our peace that she sucks haha
Once she graduates and has a
Once she graduates and has a job DH could give her a token amount. That way he won't feel used and it's a "reward" for following thru and taking that big step into adulthood.
After thinking about this a
After thinking about this a bit longer, I'm wondering if you should set aside an amount and only give it to the school if she asks and if she doesn't, bank it for her for the future and a car or a first apartment or something when she grows up and acts right.
any money will definitely go
any money will definitely go directly to the school, not to her...and definitely will not be saving it for anything other than education costs.
With BM's help SD got a nose job at 16 and an overpriced used car that she is "paying" BM back for, we are not assisting in anything other than school
Weighing in
Im on the side of "she gets help with some education like the other skids, BUT she has to have a discussion with you two first."
Don't give her money.
Make her take out loans. If she passes all of her classes for the term, pay off that school loan directly to the lender. Never give this toxic POS kid a cent directly. Keep very detailed records and save all documentation so when she later tries to demonize you and DH for not givign her money, send her notarized copies of the money you provided for her beauty school drop out education. (Yes, a Grease reference).
There are ways to rub the nose of a POS in the stenchy carpet stains of their behaviors while doing something for them.
Love that idea of waiting
Love that idea of waiting until after she has loans to contribute.
Your comment just made me realize/remember though that I'm not even sure if she can get student loans! She is in a specialty high school program that was supposed to leave her with an associates degree and a high school diploma. She won't be getting the associates degree (not the end of the world) because she apparantly has failed some of the college classes. I'm pretty sure there are stipulations with student loans about GPA/ failing classes that may disqualify her from getting any...