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SD12 is wanting to go live with BM

ksmom14's picture

Submitted by ksmom14 on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 2:23pm

Long story short...

  • DH & BM agreed to custody without court, and it was supposed to be 50/50
  • BM moved an hour away and couldn't figure out how to work/ get kids to/from school so now DH is custodial (kind of), BM gets skids Thursday night - Monday morning every other weekend. 
  • This new arrangement was made outside of court over 4 years ago with a signed "contract" between the two of them, they've been able to be civil
  • SD12 recently racked up $430 in international phone calls with someone in Switzerland she met over an app (she has since been on lock down on her phone), and can expect significant chores for the foreseeable future to help pay off her debt
  • DH found text messages in SD12's phone (parent monitoring app) talking to her friend about moving away

So...DH talks to SD12 about these messages and she tells him she just feels like she's lived with us for a while, and it's time to go live with BM for a while, won't really say anything more. A few key points (I love that we can do bullets!)

  • This all of a sudden came up after the international phone call incident, I think they're linked
  • SD12 and BM are twins, and as such fight like cats and dogs
  • SD12 has always looked up to DH the most, and she is DH's favorite
  • BM is much stricter than DH 
  • BM has told skids and DH that "kids get to decide who to live with at 12" not true, they can be heard by a judge at 12
  • SD12 is in the throughs of teen angst and is the classic teenager, always complaining about how she looks (even though she's gorgeous), has an attitude, woe is me, etc. 

This is obviously very upsetting to DH, and I'm wondering if she pushed this...and we had to go to court (assuming DH and BM coudln't figure out an agreement), what do you think a judge would do? Would a judge actually split up SD12 from SD14 (her BFF) and SS16 (her arch nemesis) and put them in different households? Some food for thought...

  • We have DD2 and DD6 months
  • BM has a 3 yo son
  • SD14 just got into an accelerated high school program and is VERY SUPER UNLIKELY she'd leave the current schedule that keeps her in our school district so it would split SD12 and SD14 up
  • Skids have their own rooms at our house, but share at BMs

Let me know your thoughts...I kind of think this will blow over...but not sure...but at the same time I have the most issues with SD12 so I don't know that I'd mind too much if she was a little less present

Comments

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 2:45pm

Sounds to me like the classic playing the parents game.  She got in trouble for the $430 phone call and is having to actually work to pay off the debt.  She doesn't like being held accountable for that so she thinks that going to live with mommy will solve that.  My guess is if she goes to live with mommy and mommy has even more rules she doesn't like she will want to move back in with daddy.  She will only get away with this game if mommy and daddy allow it.  

I don't know what the courts would or wouldn't do.  When my parents divorced they allowed us to choose which parent we wanted to live with.  My brothers lived with my mom and I stayed with my dad.  It wasn't court ordered though.  

If she gives you the most issues I would say let her go.  Also maybe put in some conditions like, "okay, you can go live with your mom but it will be for at least a year, if you change your mind after a year then we can discuss you coming back" or something that prevents her from playing the back and forth only staying with whichever parent lets me get by with more crap!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 2:58pm

This exactly! No "house jumping" to whichever place is more lax at any given time.

ksmom14's picture

Submitted by ksmom14 on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 2:58pm

I totally agree that she's just playing the sides...DH seems to not agree because she didn't specifically mention the phone punishment when discussing why she felt that way. 

I think she's in for a RUDE awakening should she go to BM's. I didn't bring up the whole "wait" period if she wanted to go and then come back because I think DH would take her back in a second, but I feel the same way. I do not want to be playing house swap every other month because princess doesn't like getting consequences.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 3:13pm

I have this little saying.  "wherever you go... there you are".  Basically what it means is that in almost all situations people are actually responsible for most of what happens to them.  Moving to a different city or country won't change the fact that you can't get along with people.  It won't change the fact that you aren't a good employee and you are likely to develop the same problems at your new job that you had at your old one.  So, while the phone thing may or may not have been the impetus for her wanting to change, she is likely even more to be suffering from teenitus.  At that age, girls especially dislike so much about their lives.. their friends regroup and they either look older or younger than they want and they often dislike themselves... and just are all in all miserable about life.

For her, she is likely hoping that a move to her mom will end up with a different outcome.  She will be happier etc..  As we all know, she will be the same person over there and will have the same issues with mom's boundaries and have the same disappointments as well.

Now, nothing teaches life lessons better than experience.  So, I actually wouldn't be averse to letting her make the move.. BUT.. I would tell her that it is a non-negotiable one year minimum switch.  No taksy backsies when she has her first dramatic breakdown with mommy.  Maybe it's just a greener pastures thing.. but she won't know that unless she does it.  So, I say keep to the requirement of her paying you back no matter where she goes... but I would be inclined to let her do this if her mom is ok with it.

 

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 8:16am

Ha, men are so oblivious to the manipulation tactics of their little princesses.  Of course she wouldn't come out and say it is because she is expected to work to pay back the $430!  

I do think you should discuss making her stick with it with your DH.  Otherwise she will just continue to do the back and forth flip flopping to get what she wants and she won't learn to be accountable for her actions.  

queensway's picture

Submitted by queensway on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 3:15pm

$430 worth of international phone calls for a 12 year old. This girl need some strict discipline. I would ground her butt! She can't just decide where she wants to live. It doesn't work that way when you are a 12 year old girl.

MoominMama's picture

Submitted by MoominMama on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 1:13am

What did the strict BM have to say about the calls.? I'm thinking life might mot be the bed of roses she's hoping for at Bm's  

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Submitted by Dontfeedthetrolls on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 3:50pm

Ideally a judge would see this for what it is. A 12 year old throwing a fit because she got in trouble. Yes at that age a judge might start listening to a child BUT they have to present an intelligent and mature reason for their request. “I just want to live with mom” shouldn’t be enough. Even more so when you present to the judge that this all came about after she got in trouble.

If BM pushes it then yes you guys will need to decide if it is worth fighting because there’s a good chance the kid will act out if she doesn’t get her way. If you allow the move make it clear that she is not allowed to bounce back and forth. Do not allow her to play you guys. She misses out on what she misses out doing this. She can’t just come back next month when BM’s home isn’t the green pasture she saw.

Now of course you have more than enough reasons to not allow the move.

StepMamaBear6's picture

Submitted by StepMamaBear6 on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 4:05pm

I would be crystal clear what moving to mom means:
 

  • She still has to pay off the $430 debt but it will just take longer since she will only be at your house Thursday-Monday every other week
  • She must stay a full school year and she can move in with Mom half-way through the summer (I assume each parent gets half the summer)
  • Unless there is abuse of any kind, no calling crying and demanding to come home because "mom is not fair."
  • She lives the consequences of being at mom's house.  Meaning, mom is responsible for all your care, including clothing, shoes, backpacks, etc.  Also, if we do something fun on a weekend you are not with us, that is your choice.  If we go out to dinner or make a spur of the moment purchase for the kids in the house, you are not entitled to dinner out and the same purchase when you come the next weekend.  Like the song says, "life goes on" whether you are here or not.
  • Going to a different school will be hard for a 12/13 year old.  It is not fun starting over at that age.  Just keep it in mind.
  • You really will miss us.  You may think you won't, but you will.  
  • You may not want to do this, but I have said it to both of my skids:  If I have to pay more child support because you move to your mom's, it is coming out of your college fund.  (We have the same expenses whether they live with us full time or half time.  We built a house with them having their own rooms and own bathroom and incurred that expense because they were living with us.  We would not have built the same house we did if they had not been living with us.  If they choose to leave, I am not selling the house and uprooting all the other kids, so the child support expenses will come RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE account I have been saving for you.  Needless to say, it hasn't been an issue.  My SD(stb19) is in college and doing well.  My SS(stb17) is finishing his Jr year and is on the baseball team for his 6A school.  I don't see him moving at this point.  Plus, I have raised him since he was 3!  All his brattiness is my husband's fault or maybe mine! *pleasantry* )  

ETA:  What the heck happened to all the emojis?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 9:35am

I love the way you broke this down. And I agree, no ping ponging CODs. It’s just their way of trying to manipulate their parents for the greatest benefit.