Personally I think he's being unreasonable. She could have come to the door to say 'hi' to you if you were not feeling good. Ugh - you are in  a hard spot - Sorry I don't have better advice. Maybe it will blow over? 

I’m sorry, but I really don’t think this is about his daughter.   It sounds like he just “isn’t that into you” anymore.  All too many men are incapable of making an honest break. They use excuses and bad behavior to force the woman to make the decision to leave. 

I’d ask him for an honest answer about whether he wants you to leave. 

I have to wonder if something else is going on with him, seems like he is really over reacting and taking this personally.

My DH wanted me to be closer to his daughter than I was. BM was more interested in SD's brother than SD, and DH thought I could make up for that. I told him that it didn't work that way, I was not her mother and when she came over, it was to spend time with him, so if I wanted to do my own thing, I would. He got it and it did not affect our relationship, at all. I was friendly to SD (now 26), I did sometimes do things with them, but she is NOT my daughter.

So, in my case, my DH was hoping that I would fill some void that was left by BM but he did (when I laid it out for him) understand that BM was her mother and their relationship was what it was and it was not my problem. That's what happens when you choose to have a kid with a woman who has a personality disorder.

There is some underlying reason that he so desperately wants you to be more attentive to his daughter. To ease his own stress, make up for BM's shortcomings, something. He either doesn't know, exactly, and doesn't want to dig deep enough to figure it out, or he doesn't want to admit what the issue is. Either is unacceptable because it's affecting your relationship.

This is really what he is saying, but but but she is Daddys Little Girl. She is my snowflake so either you treat her the way I want or I am going to be a total d!ckhead to you. I am a score keeper and if I see you do something that I don't like I will play the game and treat you the same way. Because everything is about SD.

If you did the same thing to someone else like you did to his snowflake daughter he would be just fine with it. Sometimes it just plain sucks to have a SD. Sorry he is acting like a big man baby.

Anyone who sees a child's relationship on the same level as spouse/partner is wrong. Plain and simple. In 7 years his daughter will be an adult. Will you guys just split or divorce at that point because SD isn't a child anymore? 

When it comes to our children and step children - their NEEDS must be met before our own. However, too many people don't understand needs vs. WANTS. If your relationship is ever to survive he is going to have to place that as a #1 priority. If he doesn't there is no hope and be glad you guys aren't married yet. 

That is baby talk for men, the I don't cares. It is bullshit and you should take it as such. 

His problem is that his little princess wants control and all attention on her. And she has Daddys ear right now. 

You did nothing wrong. But what you should have done is turn it back around where it should be. 

'Hey DH I was wondering if SD said anything to you about being upset with me. I know I wasn't feeling well and was dozing off a bit when she arrived but she didn't come say hi to me. Just don't want there to be an issue.' 

You KNOW the brat won't make the effort so show daddy the truth. Dont take his crappy attitude of pushing blame everywhere but where it should be. And don't let him talk baby man talk to you. Either he can adult and have a conversation or he can't and you do your own thing. Let him visit family alone. If he wants to work it out you are there and if he doesn't well you can't force him to. 

So long as you are willing to apologize for your (perfectly fine) behavior, he is going to continue to beat you down.

You did NOTHING wrong. Do you know how many times I have been sick and not interacted with the kids? Do you know how many times I have gone out and done my own thing? Do you know how many concerts/events I have missed? Loads.

Do you know how many times AFTER I set my DH straight that he has tried to make me feel guilty about it? ZERO.

Right now, on this trajectory, your marriage is basically over because your DH doesn't want to make it work. He wants you to roll over and do what he wants, and he wants to punish you for not falling in line.

So, you can either fall in line and know this is what your marriage will be like, or you can stand your ground. You have NOTHING to apologize for. You aren't disengaged, you like your SD, and I assume you treat her well. If your DH can't accept that you are gojng to treat his daughter not like your daughter, then he can crawl back into bed with BM.

"DH, I care about SD, but I will never care about her like you do. That isn't a failing on my part. She is not my daughter. As much as you may want her to be, you did not create her with me. I love her, and I will do many things for her. However, my relationship with her WILL be different than it is with you or with BM. That is okay, and that is not only natural for me, but also for SD.

If you cannot accept this, then please let me know and we can end this relationship. I will wish you the best of luck. However, I will not allow you to punish me for your perception of my lack of caring. I care as much as I can. I put my all into my relationship with you and her. If you wish to continue to punish me, then we are done.

If you have something specific and tangible that you would like me to do differently, tell me and I will consider changing my behavior. If, however, you have no guidance for me and cannot accept what I offer now, then we are through."

Be confident when you say this. Don't apologize. Don't yell. Don't cry. Deliver it as plainly and calmly as possible. If he tries to argue, yell, etc., just state "I have stated my peace, and I have no more discuss; please let me know when you have made a decision."

During this brooding, act as you always will. Let him know that his bullying will not shake you. Let him know that you will be fine whether he is there or not. Show him that your life continues no matter helis shenanigans, and the only person he is punishing is himself.

You have NOTHING to lose by being brave and standing up for yourself. You have a lot to lose if you let him beat you down. Choose wisely.

Do you think it is possible that he was upset that he had to handle SD on his own, play with her, feed her, etc. and resented the fact you weren't around to take on some of the load?  If that is the case, he won't want to say that because it is, after all, his daughter, and you'd tell him that so he found some other reason to have an issue with you about and be nasty.  I'd just leave it alone and if he makes further comments just tell him you are sorry he feels that way but you didn't feel well and there is nothing you can do about his expectations now since he didn't share them with you prior to SD coming over.

I give him a taste of 'I don't care' means.  As in if he is not going to have an adult conversation about what has happen over the last few days, then I would make it clear to him that if he doesn't care you will put in the same amount of energy and effort as he thinks you do.

So no cooking, cleaning and general looking after him.  And see how long it takes him to register that you are doing so much more then he imagines.

What an ass.  You said you get along with SD?   So what is his issue?????  Does he want you to build an SD altar and worship at that when she is not there?  Does he want you to greet her at the door with rose petals and hugs and kisses?  Does he want you to spoon with her on the couch??  What??  What exactly is his issue?? 

And do these idiots realize that by making a big hairy deal out of NON ISSUE skid stuff, it really DOES make a big hairy deal out of skids?  And who really wants to be around, talk about or like something that is always a big hairy deal??  It's like putting your hand on the hot stove.  The first time you are like owww!!  And you vow to never do that again and you are cautious of the hot stove.  The second time, you are like damn, I should have known better, but I will be more guarded now!  By the 28th time you don't even want to walk in the kitchen, much less be anywhere near the stove. 

My DH and I have had the same argument - where he accuses me of being stand-offish around his kids, but will begrudgingly admit that his children are also stand-offish with me. I think he gets defensive and feels hurt for his kids because he thinks they are wonderful and deserve everyone to think they're wonderful. I'm sure it hurts him that I don't think his kids are the most amazing kids I've ever met. It also causes me consternation that he has something that is so important to his life that is not important to mine. I think my DH also still feels guilty about his divorce, sad that he only sees his kids EOWE, upset / powerless that BM is not parenting the kids in ways he would like them to be parented (i.e. high expectations, personal responsibility, etc). I've told him that I feel like he's externalizing a lot of those feelings on to me. He will sometimes agree that yes, he probably is doing that, but he also doesn't like to talk about this. 

I think this issue is the root of why second marriages with kids often don't work. Divorced dads (or moms) often have lots of baggage due to their divorce with kids (I don't see the same issue with divorced people without kids) and they bring their baggage into their second marriage and let that destroy their relationships, blaming their new SO instead of their own issues. 

I don’t know your backstory, Lemon to know what kind of parent your SO is but. . .

My ExH would get terribly angry at me for similar nonissues and what it boiled down to was, he didn’t want to parent but wanted me to do it. When I didn’t, he behaved the same way your SO is acting.

He never did get his head out of his a$$ but continued to be angry when I didn’t act like a mom. Eventually, we split and it was such a relief not to be around such anger.

His issue really was the parenting thing. He didn’t want to do it, so it was my job.

Unless you make a point of feigning illness every time his daughter is in the house.. I don't see why he got so bent out of shape.  Now if you had what appeared to be a spontaneous miracle cure the minute that front door slammed I might see how he could view that as your way of avoiding his daughter and he feels that is rude.

Unfortunately, you can't produce a mother daughter bond out of whole cloth.  She has a mother for better or worse and you are her step-mother and she may or may not even want to have a close bond with you inspite of what HE wants.  Plenty of kids still mommy-worship when they have horrible mothers that pay them no attention.  Also, you may not be someone who particularly gets along with kids.  I know I am childless and there were some things about having my DH's kids around that took some getting used to.  He can't expect you to instantly develop that primal bond that parents and kids have. 

I'm not saying that you may not come to have a great mentor style relationship with the girl but it won't work if he just constantly shoves you in a room together and tells you to "love her like your own".   It needs to happen organically.

Now, that also means that you have to be willing and interested to move in that direction and perhaps if you weren't totally incapacitated that you could have come out to say hello.  Not saying it is required.. but it might have been in the spectrum of nice to do so.  Of course, if you were dealing with a blinding migrane.. I can certainly understand being in the room alone in the dark..lol.

I think he is personalizing the relationship with her as in .... If you don't accept and love my daughter.. you must not love me.  I would try to assure him that you do in FACT accept his daughter is part of his life and she is welcome in your home.. but that you feel the point of her visits is primarily to see him.. not his wife.  Of course you would be happy to join them on adventures and doing activities but feel your presence in those shouldn't always be necessary and that he certainly would want some alone time with his child.

Did you talk to your DH? How did it go? I'm curious because I was in this exact situation last wknd. SO was acting all irritated and pouty, eventually told me he feels I'm not making enough effort with skids, I seem annoyed by them a lot, I don't go outside and play with them, they are goofing around in the kitchen and I stay in the living room instead of coming to see what they are doing (really??), and that SS12 doesn't come hang in the living room when I'm home, so he wonders why that is (as he stares at me accusingly). I don't know SO, it couldn't possibly be because SS is 12 and obsessed with video games, and doesn't get as much attention from you when I'm there so he figures, why bother?

I did make him see some valid points about how I have a good relationship with skids and I treat them well, it's normal for adults to be annoyed at kids, and no parents are always both playing with kids all the time!! I stood my ground and told him I'm doing my best, but I'm not going to bend over backward to pay attention to skids. Things have been fine since, but I'm afraid it will rear its ugly head again.

Good! Hopefully he really heard you and is trying to understand. Sometimes I fear they are just sick of arguing and let it go, only to be stewing about it...