I feel bad that I hate my stepsons living with me
I know this all will make me sound like an awful person, but I (38M) joined this community so I can get this off my chest without hurting my wife (42F) of 9 years. I HATE my stepsons living with me!! I don't hate them as people, but I hate them living at my house. I have two stepsons (one is 19 and the other is 16). My wife and I also have two sons together (age 8 and 6). The stepsons have hardly anything to do with their biodad (45M) because he is...well honestly, a bum and a loser. He cannot hold down a job and has lived with his parents his entire life except for a few years when he lived with my wife. And, even though they don't want to be around their dad, they are just like him. They are slobs and do not respect the rules. We someitmes have to force the 19 year old to go to work and been trying to help the 16 year old get a job.My biggest issue is that they treat our house like their own personal dumpster. We were fortunate that my parents sold me their house at a family discount and the equity was gifted to me as an inheritance. When we bought the house, my parents made me swear to take care of it because it is a great house. I have set rules like no food or drink outside of the kitchen, clean up after yourselves, normal everyday stuff, but they refuse to listen. They have stains and mess everywhere and then get mad when I make them clean it up. Recently, we found mold on our downstairs couch because they spilled something on it and didnt bother to clean it up. Additionally, the 16 year old bullies my little kids which also infrustrates me to my very core, however, this has gotten somewhat better over the last year. But a good example, about 6 months ago, just to be mean, the 16 year took the small kids' new toy and purposely broke it to hurt their feelings. My wife jumped his tail, but I don't want my kids to have a bad childhood because of this...to be frank, idiot. The 19 recently went to trades school, but likes to pop in without notice to stay as long as he wants, whenever he wants even though we are helping him to pay rent for his own place. My wife and I have talked about all this many times, but its always the same..."they will get better as they get older" and "those are my kids and I will always be there for them and they can always come here no matter what". And I do see some maturity and growth, but it is still so maddening that they misbehave more than they behave. They are a bad example to my small kids...period.I was raised that you either acted like an adult, be respectful, and follow the rules or you get put out when you're an adult. I do not take pity on purposeful disrespect. I have asked myself lately if I want to stay in this marriage and I am having trouble telling myself yes anymore. I hope I will not feel like this forever and that, as they grow and mature, this behavior will end. But, I also feel like I am at my wits end and I am ready to explode on everyone. And before anyone asks, yes, we have tried talking to them about this many times. Everytime they promise to do better to get us/me to shut up and then repeat the same behavior.
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Your wife will continue to
Your wife will continue to baby your SSs no matter what. They will be 30 something years old living in your basement until something changes. She doesn't see a problem with how they behave and has blinders on. SHE is just as much the problem as SS.
Would she agree to counseling?
Suggested counseling
My wife has suggested counseling, but for me, not them. She thinks I am the irrational one because she has no problem with any of it.
You are not irrational. She
You are not irrational. She is totally unreasonable for asking you to put up with her two slob children trashing YOUR family home.
Thank you
Thank you for saying that! I have felt like I was putting a house above my family, but it is my family home.
Yes! A fact you should bring
Yes! A fact you should bring up to your wife REPEATEDLY.
I do
On a regular basis.
My husband suggested this to
My husband suggested this to me a couple times, when we were going through issues with his daughters. Apparently I was the problem. I went to a couple sessions, we figured out I was not the issue and being the rational one.
I held my ground, called out bad behavior when it effected me, and did not put up with a mess anywhere....OK messy in bedrooms but not living area and no filth or trash left around ANYWHERE. I was ON this and did not let up because DH did not do anything.
A house is for all to live in, not just the messy people.
Your wife has had what seems
Your wife has had what seems to be fairly "sole" access to these kids. A lot of this falls to her parenting.
I get not wanting to throw your kid on the street.. but at 19.. the boy needs a plan.. and the plan is not live with you long term. This is a convo you must have with your wife. It is for her son's own GOOD that he is encouraged to go out and live an independent life. I might suggest looking into the military.. that might give him the discipline he has been lacking in your home.
It is good that you have seen some improvements with the younger kids.. but there is always the "you are my kids.. you won't act like that.. etc.. "
It sounds frustrating.
It is frustrating
I have been reaching out to lawyers preparing to do what I need to do for my own sanity. But I am afraid...if I left my wife and we shared custody of my two small kids, that would mean they would be subject to bullying 50% of the time without me about to stop it. The 19 year old has a plan, but actually following through...its hit and miss.
Start documenting the
Start documenting the incidents. That way you have something to show the judge when you file for full custody of your kids. If you choose to go that route...
I will
Thanks for the advice!
Your wife’s bad parenting is showing
You calling SK slobs, it's like saying to DW You did a bad job at motherhood. 19 yo is an adult. Two unrelated adults can't live in the same home. 19 to 29 goes fast. The kids will never change. They have to go.
I flipped on both SD14 and DH
I flipped on both SD14 and DH a few years ago about disrespecting property. I asked SD to not use a coffee mug of mine and to pick something else. Of course DH was offended! Princess should have a right to anything in the home in his eyes. I proceeded to go to SD (at the time 12 I think?) room to grab dishes and cups with ROTTEN milk in them. Proceeded to point out how she doesn't treat other people's property with respect and she would NO LONGER be ruining my things. I absolutely told her certain things in the house are now off limits. Probably why she mostly just stays in her room now.
I do the same thing
There are several things I have constituted as off-limits because of the lack of respect.
The older kid is out of your
The older kid is out of your home and living in a place that you either shsidize or pay for. I'd like to know why he gets to visit and stay as long as he wants. Being independent and,taking care of himself should be the goal he strives for and that his mother encourages. So... convert his room into something that YOU want - a den, a library, a cocktail room, a gym, whatever you want it to be. It's your home to do with as you please. It's not a flop house for useless adult slobs.
I did
I turned it into a gym. He is now sleeping on our den couch and called out of work again today so he could stay another day (lives an hour away).
Ask your wife why she doesn't
Ask your wife why she doesn't love him enough to ensure he becomes a decent human being that respects others and has a modicum of work ethic. How will he survive when she stops enabling him (lots of things can happen - illness, disability, retirement death, etc.)? Doesn't she want to see him make a success of his life or will she be happy for him when he joins the homeless?
Time for the come to Jesus
Time for the come to Jesus clarity session with your wife. Her kids go now. The 19yo immediately, and the 16yo after the forced emancipation paperwork is approved.
Time to cut them off from all benefits that you and your household provide. Empty their bedrooms including any floor coverings and furniture, put inflatable plastic matresses in each of their rooms and a single molded plastic chair and small molded plastic table. No bed linens. They can learn to peel their faces off of the plastic every morning. They are not allowed in the home during work hours. What they do and where they go does not matter. No money is to be provided to them in any form. They eat one meal a day with the rest of the family, since they will not be in the home during work hours.
Anything they own that is left out, goes in a dumpster, or better yet, a burn barrel in the back yard.
They do this because you allow it. So, don't allow it.
Your own young kids should not have to be sacrificed on the alter of worship to your DW's failed family progeny.
End that now.
Keep it stupid simple for her and for them. KISS
Ask your wife very pointedly why she is allowing her young children to live in squalor that her failed family children create? Tell her clearly that you will no longer allow that to happen and she can either work with you to solve the problem of she can leave with her failed family children but they are gone regardless. Make sure she understands that your children will remain with you.
Time for zero tolerance.
My DH said the same thing
My Dh said the same thing. "They will always be my kids and I want them to be able to have home here as long as they want it."
I told him, "Well, then you and I need to have a chat, because that is not acceptable to me. This is my home, too. I've put up with your horribly behaved kids for 12 years, while you figured out how to grow a spine. I'm done with it. Once they are out, they are out. They will not be living here when they are 30. You choose if you want to be married and keep this house, or if you want to live in a cheap apartment with your kids, alone. I refuse to sit quietly by while they take advantage of us for the rest of our lives."
Needless to say, after the hurt feelings were done, he had an epiphany. His heart attack was caused by his trying to save his kids from themselves. He didn't ever want to have another heart attack, so he decided to change. He also didn't want to lose me, so he changed.
I can tell you, until I opened my mouth and heard all that vitriol coming out, I didn't realize how angry I was for those years of putting up with their bullshit, only to be blamed for their own failures. I did realize that I had a breaking point, though.
I hope you can reason with your spouse as well, and I hope she chooses you and your marriage, instead of those kids who will not be there for her when she is old. Good luck.
Well played Shieldmaden.
Well played Shieldmaden.
Hey don't feel bad about it.
Hey don't feel bad about it. If they were better behaved and likeable then you probably wouldn't have a problem with living with them. But they sound awful.