When I think about my relationship with my FDH, the weakest link in our relationship it is without a doubt SS15 with aspergers. It is the one area we have trouble communicating about, I think my FDH has some denial or trouble accepting it. I also think he tries to forget about it, he focuses on our relationship so much that sometimes I even forget about SS. Let’s face it, in someways I would like to forget about him and FDH makes it easy to. He makes sure we have our own adult time and special experience without SS. SS brings out the worst in everyone around him, his parents, grandparents, teachers, and me.
My FDH also has a wonderful relationship with my family, especially my mother and brother.
At first, FDH and SS would engage with my mother but I noticed that SS would isolate my mother, she is a lovely woman, a teacher by trade and know how to interact with children with special needs. However, every time SS came over it would really stress me out. He isolates my mother for attention because he is so starved for it. He has no friends and loves older people. Most of which was inappropriate and strange conversation with her anyway.
The dog didn’t like him, hated him really and it makes sense as SS isn’t able to understand social cues and non verbal communication so not able to interact properly with a new dog. I told him to ignore the dog and he of course didn’t but actually would act somewhat aggressive towards the poor pup and he didnt respond well.
My brother just thought SS was plain weird, and well, he is.
And then there is the privacy issue. SS always asks to go into bedrooms to “explore”. I was shocked and then explained to him I believed “exploring” was the same thing as “snooping” and would not be acceptable, he needed to respect people’s own space in their own home. So what does he do, everytime he would visit, he locks himself in the bathroom for an hour to snoop and when he asked to use the computer, he opened and went through all the files.
I stopped inviting SS to visit with my mother a while back. I explained to my FDH that it was more important to me that HE have the significant relationship with my mother and SS didn’t allow for that. I also let him know I did not think SS was constipated every time he visited and needed to be in the restroom for a full hour. I also let him know he needed to honor the family dog, leave him alone and not keep asking “how can you tolerate such an animal” in that animal’s home.
Well, summer time is here. My mother’s home is on the beach. So of course FDH wants to visit all the time. Which is great. We have a very close relationship with my mom. We bbq and she loves our company, he is welcomed anytime. He was good about it until now and we are experiencing a heat wave. He keeps wanting to “go to the beach” with SS. I don’t want that kid over my mom’s house even though he keeps asking to come over. I feel he isn’t able to respect my family home. I feel it is a privilege and he was told from the beginning what the rules were: 1. Ignore the dog and 2. No snooping. He can’t keep to the rules plus he isn’t coming over to have a play date with my mom, it isn’t my fault he has no friends or play dates with his peers because he is socially delayed. I need to bring this up yet again, wondering if there is a different way to approach that I haven’t tried to seen yet. I even turned down my mother’s invitation for the 4th of July festivities because we will have SS with us and I don’t want to deal with it. My mother also sees the same issues and is on the same page with me. She has been so kind and patient, I don’t want to keep putting her in this situation.