lstewart, that's a good question. I think it might have to do with how the children notice how well the relationship is between the Bio Parent & Step Parent. If the Blended couple (for lack of a better term) supports each other when it comes to their step children, the step kids are going to realize, "this is a united front and it looks like my attempts to sabotage their relationship might not work how I want it to work."

I can say this because my husband and I are on the same wavelength when it comes to how children should be raised. He thinks I'm a better mother to his child than the BM, because hubby and I think so much alike when it comes to discipline, teaching children the correct behaviors, respect, etc. That is a wonderful feeling to know that he trusts me that much...he has that much confidence in me, so in return, I feel as if his child is MY child while his child is in our home. He can see the love pouring from his son towards me, and from me to his son. I see his son as an extension of his father, and I sure love his father so much. (Yeah, almost 2 years and I'm still gushing over him! LOL!)

I think what it boils down to with us is that once hubby and son are together without the BM to 'interfere' or instigate in their relationship, everything seems to fall into place, in a positive way. Once they drive away, the BM isn't mentioned. A majority of the time when it's time to get ready to take him back to his mom's house, he claims he doesn't want to go. DH and I figured out one of the reasons why he probably feels that way is because he doesn't get one on one attention from her. He has 2 other sisters competing for mom's attention. In our house, he's the only child...my daughter is almost 15 years older than he is, so to him, she's another adult--and he doesn't see her as competition.

Once in awhile SS will want to make something for his mom...for instance, at Halloween he wanted me to print out some pix of him in his costume for his mommy. I have no heartburn over doing this. I know mommy isn't going to be thrilled getting the pictures, but I also know that SS is going to enjoy looking at the pictures, so even though his intentions are to give the pictures to her, he is the one who ends up reaping the benefits, by enjoying the pictures. I could give a rat's patooty on what she thinks of the picture. Personally, I didn't print it out for her, I printed it out for him.

~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~

I think as long as you and your dh stand as one , then and only then can stepchildren or anyone for that matter who has the intent to cause strife in your lives will be put in their place.
My dh in the last 2 years has really opened his eyes and stands by my side. He makes sure he clearly shows this with his kids and keeps doing this. Did it take him years to do this ? YES! Its took him a lllooong time to realize that his sd not just poisoned by biom but actually did things herself without bm. One incident, i wont go into detail, bm didn't know what was going on and when my dh called her and said what the hell? she figured it out and so did I. Sd was getting back at mom through us and fn' around with my dh's head. Using her brother as well. Oh did shit his the fan last year for that one! Which convinced my dh to keep matters with sk at a more distance from our new family.
If dh's with kids do not have their new wifes back and thier new families back, its trouble. That is where the trouble lies. Because stepkids have issues and it stems from their parents divorce. It cannot be helped , that is how they feel but its up to both those bioparents to straighten their kids and keep them in check. When both adults act like kids, then skids are doomed again. And who pays the price? THe new wife, the new child, or the stepchildren from the other family..etc..etc...
Its up the adults, bioparents to set their kids straight. Andits up to us as new wives to call it on their dh's to be a father or get lost.!

That is such a good qusetion though I know I don't have the answer though I sure wish I did. Sometimes I feel like by the time the kids are grown and its just me and my husband that there won't be anything left that resembles a good loving respectful relationship. It fills me with such great sadness somedays. Deep down I know he is a really good man who deeply loves his children and I respect that greatly but the reality I've come to know is that he doesn't have any love left over to really be in a marriage. Don't get mewrong I do love his boys also but he puts 100% of all his energy into them which like I said is very admirable but he has nothing left for me. I'm sure his boys will grow up to be great Dads but I doubt they will know how to be a good husband and thats setting up their poor children to the same fate..

Thats why I'm starting to feel that its a mistake to remarry if you have kids well not a mistake but an invitation for heartbreak I guess. I also now have a son with my husband and now I worry about what I am modeling to him with a childfocused home. I stay because he is a good dad. On the otther hand his daughter hates me and doesn't show any interest in my son so I worry about how that will impact my son in the long run....
I think in stepfamiles the child focused parentingresults fro th spouses leting their kids needs always come first so that their is no feelings left between the spouses to the poin that thy just our everything they have into the children..
I don't know guys my love and prayers go out to all of you good people on here who try so hard my heart goes out to you all
Today though I just feel like crying.

"In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but
what you have taught them to do for themselves that
will make them successful human beings."