Why do I always end up feeling like I'm the bad guy....
So after 2 days of hardly speaking to DH (I was pissed because he never says no to BM) he wants to have a chat and try and sort this out. He knows that I get pissed off at BM's crap mothering skills, but yet doesn't understand how I can be pissed off at him.
Some points he raised:
* He doesn't say yes to doing things all the time for BM, he is doing them for his son. Even though it makes her life easier, he does it so she has no reason to ever disallow DH time with his son
* He thinks that I don't ever see things from his point of view because I don't have to deal with my girls not being here 50/50, therefore I could never understand what it feels like to want to grab every available opportunity to see my child like he does his. Whatever chance he gets, he will take it if it means he gets to see his son. He hates how I always make him feel guilty for wanting to see and spend time with his SS when it's his scheduled weeks with BM. If it was up to DH, he would have SS with us 100%.
* He hates telling me anything about BM because he knows I'll get pissed off so therefore he feels like he can't talk to me anymore!
* He thinks I'm a hypocrite because I've always done everything for my DD's as their BF is not exactly a hands on Dad. So why should it be different for him to do everything for his son.
I think he is starting to resent me because I get so pissed off because from the way I see it, it seems he is only making her life easier by never saying no, but from where he sits he is doing it for one reason only and that is his son. So now I feel like the biggest cow!!
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I don't think you need to
I don't think you need to feel like a cow. Do you think you can embrace these thoughts instead of yours.
It should never be about BM, but about you and DH. Take his reasons and think about them, and how you can change how you think about the situation when it arises.
At some point, he is going to
At some point, he is going to have to accept that it is what it is. He doesn't have his son all the time, and kissing up to BM isn't going to get him anywhere. The more times he says yes to her, the more she is going to ask.
If he has a court order, she cannot withhold visitation from him. But allowing her to manipulate him, and cause turmoil in your marriage, is not going to get him anywhere.
It doesn't seem so much that
It doesn't seem so much that she resents SS being there, its the fact he never tells BM no, whenever she asks for something, or wants to send the kids. It would be different if DH were calling and saying hey, we have such and such, can I pick SS up for an extra day? Sounds like its always at BM convience.
Oh yeah! This is the same BM who sits at home with her other kids and cant take her child (ss) to the doctor? But expects SM or DH to take time off work and go take them? Even though she doesn't work?
I remeber that blog...
Yeah. No way. DH is still BM errand boy.
Yes, this is why I was cranky
Yes, this is why I was cranky at DH. BM doesn't work during the school holidays, but because its too hard for her to take her son to a doctor appointment when she has 2 other children he called us to take him. If this wasn't a regular occurrence, then I probably wouldn't have gotten so cranky but we are always picking up her slack and as a BM myself I can't understand how she can do that!!!
I do not blame you one bit
I do not blame you one bit for being pissed. Next time the topic come up I'd be telling him that she changed her purse, so, while he's there he'd best look in her hall closet for his balls!
BM is calling ALL the shots here. Check your neck...I thought not...no bell there my friend!
DH here was just such a wimp too, I made it quite clear that there is NO NEED for any communication between them once the kids come of age. If it ever happens again here then I am going to ask him who he is married to? I will also remind him of outstanding jobs here on the HOME front...LOL
Thanks cheriwilson.... I
Thanks cheriwilson.... I think my husband is pretty amazing too and I have massive crush on him too!!!
My problem is I let all of this BM crap sneak its way into MY marriage. I really need to learn how to just brush it off! My only concern SHOULD be my husbands and SS happiness!!! I have promised my husband that I will concentrate more on him and SS and not worry about what a crap job BM is doing!!!
I agree you need to have a
I agree you need to have a frank conversation with your DH.
First you need to agree on the facts.
Son is #1
Your DH will do anything to spend time with his son. Son comes before anything you may have planned. Son comes before absolutely anything up to and perhaps including his job. Make him state this as a fact because that is what he is doing. Do not judge him for this just get it out in black and white.
BM might withhold
Because son comes before anything else he is afraid that BM will withhold him. Talk about whether this is fact or not. Can she withhold him? Has she ever? Is this true? Maybe it is. Get this discussed.
BM is more important than you
You feel that he puts BM's welfare above yours. He is willing to toss you to the side anytime BM asks him to. This is certainly how you feel. Can he at least acknowledge that this is how is actions make you feel?
Next steps
Where do you go from here? If son is going to be number one what can your DH do to validate that you count with him at all? Does he actually care about your welfare and feelings? The question is not are you right to have these feelings but how can he help you feel that he does in fact care about you. By actions not a few words.
Will son always be number one? Will he still put him first when you are old and grey? Are you always going to be relegated to a secondary role.
He loves his son being with him. That's a good thing. But does he teach his son to respect other family members - by his actions. Or is he teaching his son that the world revolves around him and no one else matters?
Probably because of a court
Probably because of a court order.
Thanks old one....when laying
Thanks old one....when laying in bed lay night he did say he never wants to hurt me, so I'm glad he has acknowledged that his actions make me feel like I don't matter!!
Consider this observation
Consider this observation (and this is what I told my DD when her ex would foist their daughter off on her) Any extra time you get with your child means less time he/she is manipulated or influenced by the other parent.
I see this as how it benefits your life. Granted, the kid is a constant reminder DH slept with another woman who was not the best choice for a parent. But then so did you. Do you think your daughters are a constant reminder to your DH that you slept with and had girls with a loserDad. Which makes both of you as bad as each other (if you use that as a guideline). But then the more this boy spends with you in your home then the more influenced by you 2 he will be.
Whether the BM is partying all weekend or not, she misses out on spending time with her son. HEr choice. It isn't like she is deployed overseas or something.
But then is this bad mothering over compensated in your home by allowing the boy free reign and every need accomodated? Then you have other problems. But if this father is stepping up and taking responsibility for his child... then why are you not forcing the issue with your daughters father? Why are you not insisting he takes his daughters? Because he isn't around and your DH picks up his slack willingly? So wouldn't the same thing apply to you?
I would speak to DH and ask for some arrangement if this situation is to continue. The main fact is is there a CO governing parenting time?
I agree with your DH. It
I agree with your DH.
It seems off the charts unfair (even hypocritical) for YOU to have YOUR kids 100% of the time, but resent and get pissy with DH if he has his kids more than is CO'd, but still NOT 100% of the time.
Reading what you've written, it's only a matter of time before he seriously resents you, and quite possibly your kids, too.
C'mon, why is it ok for you to have your kids all the time, but you give him shit if he has his kid?
stepdown nailed it. if your
stepdown nailed it. if your dh actually WANTED the extra time, seeing as the bm needs so much "help" to even be able to parent, custody probably needs to be changed. this is your marriage, and you have EVERY RIGHT to expect to be the #1 priority. i'd be damned if by dh dropped everything everytime another woman called him, i don't care if it IS the mother of his son! so, something needs to change here. and, if your dh does not want to obtain more custody he IS simply doing favors for his ex and i could not tolerate that. you need to separate the cream from the chaff here. he is allowing his ex to benefit by using her son. gotta stop. the two of you are MARRIED, your needs and plans should NEVER be placed behind his ex's wants and whims. if he truly wants all the time he can get rather than an excuse to get you off his butt, it's time to prove it
and what is unreasonable is
and what is unreasonable is to expect that either parent gets the children 100 percent of the time or to even be SATISFIED with the time they get. the key is getting the custody arrangements to the point that they can at least live with it, to at least accept their share. if a parent can't get to this point, divorce should never have been an option to begin with or at the very least, should never have re-married and made promises and oaths to their new spouse to never put anyone before them.
For the record, I don't
For the record, I don't resent that DH wants to spend more time with his son, but I do get annoyed when BM expects one of us to leave work for 2 hours to take SS to the doctor because its too hard for her as she has 2 younger children, even though she is on holidays (works at a school and in Australia, we are in the middle of holidays)!!! And DH doesn't like to take the chance that she will withhold extra time with SS if he says no!! Which would never be the case because BM is always eager for someone else to have SS when it's her 2 weeks with him!!
If it wasn't a regular occurrence, I could dismiss it but she always has some piss poor excuse that she isn't able to be responsible for him!
Maybe I am being hypocritical!! I am the main caregiver for my DD's and have never gotten anyone else to take them to the doctors, which is why I don't get why she never does!!!
in order to create
in order to create appropriate boundaries, your dh is going to HAVE to risk her withholding his son, and if she does, you go to court (and like you said, she is probably too lazy to do this). this is what court orders are for. he is allowing her to hold you and your marriage hostage. don't tolerate it. it doesn't matter in the least that you see your child more than he does, it has NOTHING to do with the issues you are having. these are two separate issues:
issue #1 - dh being another woman's "bitch", bowing to her wishes and being at her beck and call. the ONLY woman in the world entitled to this is YOU. she lost all rights to any help/support from your husband in their divorce. re-claim what is yours: your husband's time and consideration, NOT hers. if this bothers you, it should bother him enough to fix it.
issue #2 - does he feel sticking to the court order does not give him enough time with his kid? if so, he needs to fix it because you all need to follow the court order to a T. if he doesn't fix it, it's because he WANTS to be bm's bitch and simply uses this as an excuse to get you off his butt. this would be a total deal breaker for me. if my dh wanted to be at bm's beck and call, he could do so without me.