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ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So to catch you all up on my SUPER fabulous life... I play video games. A lot lately... One in particular online game I have a guild in.  Which is great.  My guild, like pretty well every other guild is the game, is primarily male, which is no biggie at all.

That's just eh background, onto the issue at hand:

I'm not ready to date, so I'm super open about that,  no false hope or expectations.  But I am making loads of friends in the guild,  sometimes one of the guys will hit on me or try to push for more, i let them know i"m not looking to date, it's no big deal, and we move forward and are just friends.  I talk to pretty well everyone in the guild on varying degrees,  they're a fairly close bunch and we get along great and have bonded over gaming, I have several coworkers in there as well, so there are real life friends.

There are a few guys in particular that I'm going to discuss.

Yes we have the PhD student I've previously mentioned.  We talk literally all day eery day.  Neither of us are ready to date, so yes, there is some flirting, yes he's cute.  But we're both totally comfortable and have discussed that neither of us are looking for a relationship, so it's just friendship.  This is a non-issue.

We have canadian homie, who did try and push for soemthing at first, and made me mildly uncomfortable, but I've reitterated my expectations and made it fully clear we won't be dating.  He's chill with that.  We talk as friends, and it's a non issue.

But then last one, who I THOUGHT was a non-issue.  He's nice,  easy to talk to, etc.  So we chat, BUT he started calling me babe.  I again, like before itterated how I don't want to date, I"m not ready for that. He still tried to use pet names some, but told me about how he understands and that's fine, but let's still be friends.  The other day he even said "even though this is only a friendship, I'm glad we talk." And I was like "yeah, me too homie."

I thought with dude number 3... THings were smoothly solved. UNTIL last night.  Canada mentions I said something to him.  Legit about my life.  So I woke up to messages becuase he said something and why am I talking to other people??? Well you see dude... Because we're not in a relationsip... And I enjoy good conversation...  So apparently he IS an issue.  I have again reiiterated my expectations and told him that we probably won't be talking as much.

But oh my gosh.  I'm just never going to date EVER.  All these crazies all over the place!  Like I don't even KNOW these three people! Why is this an issue at all???

And that's on leaving step hell and being a single female.  Gonna have to just start my hermit life and stop talking to humans all together.

Comments

Crspyew's picture

That guy has a long way to grow if he thinks it's ok to use that term with casual acquaintances which is essentially what you are.  Referring to me by babe was a huge red flag when I was dating.  I have a name--use it.

btw--PhD guy sounds great but if u are chatting all day everyday it sounds like you maybe more than friends.  Proceed cautiously if you ever meet in person.  All of this chatting could give you a false sense of security about the person he really is.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

As of now there are zero plans to ever meet in person. He's working on his PhD and i"m figuring out life :)  But I will keep that in mind.  I met my ex online and half some major paranoia with how easy it was for him to mask who he was.

beebeel's picture

A lot of guys are stupid thirsty online. It sucks. It's way better now that I'm "old" (in gamer years) and married, but the struggle was real in my 20s. Most of the guilds/teams I've been a member of in recent years had a age minimum of 25. Like many things, it's gets better with age. Hang in there lol.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

They really are.  I admittedly had to leave my frist guild due to that.  Got nasty when I said no.  This guild has been a lot better, just with some hiccups, but the leadership have kicked a person or two for being innapripriate (after talking to them about stopping and giving them one last chance of course).  Things should get better with age :)  My guild is ranged 25-35, with a few outliers.

advice.only2's picture

So curious if you do start dating somebody from a game do you ever actually meet them? Not being snarky I legit don't think I grasp this concept.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't think I could start dating someone from a game tbh. They seem to be nice people.  BUt there would have to be something OUTSIDE of the game.  I have no plans to date any of them, or frankly anyone at all, but I feel that it would have to be fully transitioned out of the game.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's so good to get an update from you!

I don't game, but it sounds like a different kind of minefield for females, for sure. This guy you describe would be right at home in Reddit's Nice Guy sub! Still, it also sounds like a safe place for you to practice drawing boundaries and being assertive. Gaming as therapy, yay!

Crazy Gamer story - my friend's sweet nephew John was a big gamer in his early twenties, and made some "friends" through a game he played regularly. The friends, a couple in Canada, seemed nice and normal, and the "friendship" continued after they immigrated to New Zealand. They invited John to come for a vist, and he dropped a chunk of change to fly to the bottom of the world. The visit was a disaster. Things got awkward after the first few days, and the wife did not like John. He ended up having to change his flight, with the husband apologetically dropping him off at the airport. A hard, expensive lesson for sure.

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

MAJOR ouch.  I dont' think I could ever go to visit one of these people I met online like that.  At the very least no without my own place to stay and my own transportation.. THat way if we realize we hate each other, it's not awkward and a rush to get out.

lieutenant_dad's picture

He crosses a boundary with you again, I hope you block him and report him to guild admin. You don't have to give people multiple chances to fix themselves. You can tell someone once how to behave, and then cut contact from there.

And don't feel guilty (not that you do, but just saying) if you get flirty. You're young. You're single. You don't owe anyone more of you than you're willing to give. You can be a flirt and leave it right there at flirting. If someone doesn't like that, they can draw their own boundary.

I also agree with everyone else. You're doing great at finding out these people early and setting boundaries. That's a lot of great growth!!!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

/ignore player (or something like that). Or new guild.  

I have been put off dating, but if I ever were to date again I would take a couple of chaperones (aka friends) for the first few dates. 

 

hereiam's picture

My friend is a widow and she's having a really hard time finding someone to date. It's really crazy out there in the dating world (at any age).

If something happened to my DH, I guess I'm solo for the rest of my life. Nobody else would put up with me, for one thing!