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queen_bethy's picture

Submitted by queen_bethy on Fri, 03/17/2006 - 11:14am

Thanks SympatheticBioDad for stopping by my main blog to say hi! That was so very nice of you!

Well, things with my step-son are not getting better. Since he moved back in with his mother, he's actually gotten worse. My Hubby and his ex had a very long talk last night about their son and came to a very hard conclusion: he needs medical help.

First of all, I applaud the fact that they were able to peaceably come to this decision and are working together on this. Something I have NEVER seen. But after having SS live with us and seeing the behavioral problems he has, we now understand where she's been coming from all these years. It was easy to blame her and her bad parenting (altho I still believe she is mostly to blame for his unhappiness). But our boy has some serious chemical imbalances that need to be addressed by a professional. I don't think any amount of good parenting can help him.

Here are some of the things he's been exibiting. Keep in mind that we experience these things too, but just figured it was because of the abuse he's experienced in his life by his step-fathers (plural). I'm sure it didn't help, but I think it's more:

1. Inability to control impulses. He cannot control outbursts and frequently throws infantile tantrums at the age of 15.
2. He cannot calm himself down when he's upset. He begins to throw things and abuse his younger siblings (he has 5 half siblings and 2 step-siblings all younger than him)His abuse on my 10 year old was so bad, we were afraid to leave them home alone together. How's that for always needing to hire a babysitter even tho your 15 year old is home too, just to make sure he doesn't abuse this brother.
3. He is unable to distiguish fact from fiction. He makes up stories about people that didn't happen and argues to the death that they did indeed take place.
4. He is frequently forgetful and looses things like coats, backpack, housekeys, CD's and such. Then blames their disappearance on others as having been stolen.
5. He interupts when it's not appropriate. He will walk up to us or his Mom in a public situation and start complaining about needing something: Mom, I need shoes. Ok, we'll talk later. NO! YOU SAID YOU WOULD BUY ME SHOES AND YOU HAVEN'T!! Son, this isn't the time for this. I WANT SHOES NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs and has to be physically removed. He's also been nearly kicked out of classes at school arguing points with the teacher. He thinks he knows it all. He even accused one of his teachers of worshipping Satan because she was teaching evolution. THis went on for 45 minutes and they almost had to get security.

I could go on. But this post is getting too long. We saw these things when he lived here with us. Only now they are getting worse. So his Mom is getting an appointment with a psychiatrist and we will be heading there to meet with the Dr.

I feel somewhat relieved that we are getting this taken care of. I just hope it's not too late since he's already 15.

Beth

Comments

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 03/17/2006 - 12:41pm

Just make sure that you find the right doctor for him. Be careful with psychistrists. They tend to throw medicine at problems and not talk to the patient about what is going on and how they are feeling.

Don't get me wrong. Your stepson may very well need some kind of medication. Just make sure you do your research on whatever may be prescribed. Sometimes the medicine can make it worse with side effects!

As you may know, my stepson was diagnosed with ADHD and is currently taking medication for it. However, we went to a therapist first and then our doctor prescribed the meds. We have him low dosed because the less he needs to funtion the better. We don't want to over medicate him.

I just picked up my stepson's report card from school and he got all "A's" and one "B"!! That is so awesome!! However, my stepson had and still has some of the same behaviors that you describe in your stepson but he can control himself much better since he started taking his ADHD medication. Still, he has his bad days at school and I hate to think where he'd be today if we didn't get him help.

With your stepson, you probably have to throw puberty/hormones into the equation.

Please keep us posted and let us know what happens!!!

Take care,

Dawn

queen_bethy's picture

Submitted by queen_bethy on Fri, 03/17/2006 - 1:35pm

I was just telling my husband the very same thing! I told him to throw hormones into the mix too and he smacked his forhead and said "No Kidding! I forgot out that!"

His mother once thought he was ADHD too, but the meds were only making him filled with anxiety, then his dr was prescribing Paxil on top for the anxiety. He was loosing weight too. He was a mess. We weaned him off when he moved in with us and we saw improvement until this last year. But this time, different problems.

Thanks!

Beth

Sweetie's picture

Submitted by Sweetie on Sat, 03/18/2006 - 2:17pm

Bethy,
I hope that you have good success and an open mind when you, your husband, his ex-wife, and your stepson become involved in trying to get him sorted out and involved in some kind of counseling and therapy program. It is a major undertaking so I hope that you will all be able to agree to work for one major goal--sometimes these goals have a tendency to fall by the wayside when the counselors become so gung ho trying to help everyone find their inner selves. Most therapies won't work by talk therapy alone, they usually are combined with medication. However, you must remember that it will take usually up to at least a month for the medications to start to work. And in the meantime, your stepson is going through major imbalance issues and doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing. I am not saying that his behavior is acceptable, not at all, but just imagine, that all these people are around you, and you know you're screwed up, and aren't in a position to fix yourself yet. It's all going to take some time--so try and be patient. At least there's time left to try and work out the problems before he finishes high school. And if you don't like the results you're getting, go try someone else. You have choices. Don't forget that.
Regards, Sweetie

smcpaw's picture

Submitted by smcpaw on Tue, 03/21/2006 - 6:13am

My boyfriend's daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at a very early age and she is now 15. Her behavior is always blamed on her ADHD, poor grades (even with medication), defiance, lying and it is always, always someone else's fault, never hers. She skipped a class one day because she was fighting with her boyfriend and it was the teacher's fault because she explained herself, he didn't have to write her a dentention slip, he was just being mean. When my boyfriend tried to reprimand her, she threw a tantrum, didn't come to the house (it was our weekend to have her, but she knew she was in trouble so she went home to biomom) and then biomom dropped her off the following afternoon. She came into the house and immediately started to be defiant telling her father that she didn't have to explain anything to him, that her mother "understood" her and that he didn't have a right to ground her because her mother already took care of it. She then got right in his face and started screaming at him, telling him she didn't respect him, he doesn't understand or "do anything for her" and she was calling her mother to go home. He put his hands on her and pushed her into her bedroom and told her she wasn't going anywhere. She then called mommy, who immediately came to her rescue. My boyfriend, the biomom and the daughter all tried to discuss it, but again, the daughter controlled the conversation by screaming about all the things her father does wrong, that it's not her fault and that she was never coming over again. The daughter then stormed out of the house because she didn't have to listen to it anymore. My boyfriend and the biomom continued to argue and the biomom continued to justify the behavior and eventually left in a huff stating that she was wasting her time. We haven't seen the daughter since (two months ago). The biomom is never wrong, always trying to be a friend and always blaming the divorce (which happened when the daughter was 4) on her behavior. Although therapy would be a good place to start, biomom would have to admit that there really wasn't something wrong with her daughter and not everyone around her. I'm glad you are all willing to work together to solve the problem. After all, when they are old enough to know better, they should be accountable for their actions.