I guess I deleted the post about SD14 getting her own way and she's been staying at her mom's for the last 2 months, which is fine by me except that it's breaking my husbands heart. 

I was glad to see I'm not the only post deleter - sometimes other people in the family use my laptop and it would be a total nightmare if SD11 saw any of my posts about her sister, she would hate me forever. 

So here's the situation:

SD14 has no rules at her mothers. She tells her to f off right to her face all of the time. She comes and goes as she pleases. As far as I can tell, she runs that house. The mother is a wuss and she is scared of her daughter, another way to say that more nicely is that the mother is super fragile and SD14 has a terrible temper and has figured out she can control her mothers household by making everyone miserable until she gets her way. That doesn't work here so she doesn't want to come here. 

Recently we've found out that SD14 (she's 15 in a few weeks ) s having her BF (who is around 15-16) stay over at her mothers house, in her room, in her bed. My husband has stated in the past - NOT THAT HE EVEN NEEDS TO BECAUSE THIS IS RIDICULOUS - that he doesn't think it's appropriate for kids that age to have sleepovers with boyfriends/girlfriends. That he doesn't want this to happen. She knows full well it would NEVER happen here, but her mother, the wuss, has allowed him to stay over twice, once on a school night. 

So, what can we do. Nothing really. Her mother won't enforce her coming here and we can't make her - frankly, even if we could I don't want her here because she's causing so much stress in my life even from her mothers house. 

Here's the issue - when my husband found out about the sleepovers he absolutly blew up. (EDIT - in private - AT HOME WITH ME)

He had harsh words with the BM  (which is absolutley reasonable ) who then turned around and told SD14 everything. She is now freaking out, stay out of my life, my life was better before you moved here, (we moved to her small stupid town 2 years ago so we could have the kids 50/50) you're not hte boss of me etc. 

SD14 also posted a very obviously meant to rub it in Dad's face post of her in bed with her BF, it's very suggestive. I was a teenager, I know this was on purpose. She's a mean manipulator. 

This is turning way beyond toxic. *edit for clarity* The things that SD14 says to him are hurtful and horrible and he's so angry -WHEN HE'S ALONE AT HOME WITH ME - and it's ruining the time spent between phone calls. SD14 has taken over her mothers phone and texts him "I need you to call me" and when he does it's SD screaming at him to stay out of her life. **she is screaming at him. He isn't screaming at her. 

Now. I know what this is. It's textbook. Daddy issues, attention from boys, she hates herself, blah blah blah. I get it, it was me, I hated my dad until I was 19 and then I loved him more than anything. So I have some epathy I guess, if she was a nicer person it would be easier but she's abrasive and I don't like her personality. 

Part of this is me venting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my mom and my therapist (session Monday thank you). But the other part is this : I don't really know what to do here. I have been mostly staying out of it. I say things when I think my husband wants to hear some advice, mostly I say "she'll come around" because she will, or she won't I guess. Who knows. Not my problem. Not my kid. I don't talk to her or the BM at all. 

But what's the issue here. Is this a dad being upset his daughter is obviously having sex? I guess I think that's her own decision. She's of the age of consent. Most kids around her are having sex at 15. She's a little young but that ship has already sailed by the looks of it. From past behaviour this isn't the first boy she's been intimate with. I actually don't really care about that or feel that it's anyone's business as long as she's being safe.  

I know the lack of dicipline at her mother's is the main thing that angers him, the child is allowed to do whatever she wants and it's making her into (she already is) a bad person. And her calling him from various phones and screaming and yelling at him that he's a horrible person is ruining our family dynamic at home. We have SD11 right now and she's great, we're trying to keep her out of the drama as much as possible. 

Another thing that's in the back of my mind as well, we live in a place that's rife with teen pregnancy. If that happens I might have to leave. I won't be raising that child. And I don't know if I could stand seeing her mother f up another kid. 

Honestly the BM is a whole blogs worth of a mess, body issues, pathological liar. She's weird because she's very passive and quiet and pretends to be super nice and get along but she's either very very stupid or she pretends she is so she can lie and get her own way about stuff. She also has body issues and she's said things to SD14 about not wearing shorts around her boyfriend, as in the BM's boyfriend, what a mess that is. 

So, I dunno Step talkers. You tell me. Any words of wisdom?