Some weekends I am very involved and enthusiastic towards the kids, wanting to chat with them and play with them and go do family things. Other weekends I could care less. I acknowledge them, I try and feign interest, but I'm miserable and it's all so fake. I have no idea why I am so hot and cold.

And honestly I feel bad. I just picture these kids growing up with memories of their step mother who ignored them or paid no interest. I don't want them to think that. They're always fairly "pleasurable" to me. They've not done anything terrible, they listen to me about 80% of the time. And yet I generally have some cold, unfounded resentment towards them. We only have them from 5pm Saturday until 5pm Sunday each weekend. I don't know what it is.

It really bothers my OH that I'm so on and off with them. He doesn't get it. The happiness in our relationship is directly proportional to how involved with his children I am. He gets personally offended when I'm not as happy to see them as he is, super interested in what they're doing, etc. I just can't help myself and I'm terrible at faking emotions. I feel guilty because really how hard is it to pretend to be excited to see 3 kids and pretend they're the best for 1 day a week? Ugh. Just feeling guilty I guess. Hoping the kids aren't scarred for life because of me, heh.