A New Year, A New Attitude
Hello... Today is my very first time on this site and I am so thankful I have found it. I have been an overworked, underappreciated step mom for the last 8 years of my life and I have finally found it within myself to put my foot down with the BM of my SS and I am already feeling better. I am hopeful that I can stay strong and stop letting both my husband and the BM take advantage of my giving nature. My ss has many issues and I have always taken the brunt of what comes our way with school etc. but I am not going to anymore. My first step, making BM stick to her word and get off her butt and help her kid with his homework rather than leaving it for me to do. Now, both bio parents are going to have to realize that if they don't step up and check on their kid...he will fail the 6th grade. I am going to focus on my kids and my life without feeling guilty anymore!
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Welcome sbplus3! I can
Welcome sbplus3! I can relate - I'm an overworked, underappreciated SM for over 6 years! Good for you! What did you do to finally put your foot down with BM? I'm lucky in that regard, I don't have any contact with BM (my choice).
i am a teacher turned stay
i am a teacher turned stay at home mom so my BM has always left projects for school and any hard homework for me to do and always last minute of course. My husband has also always put school work on my shoulders too, but his son is not a typical 11 year old who can do his homework by himself. He needs constant supervision and checking up on and I am just not doing it anymore!! I told my husband I am not doing it anymore so he can do it or leave it for the BM. He had a project that he had 3 weeks to work on over xmas break and his mom called 3 days before he was to come to our house and said she was going to leave the "fun" part for me... He told her no and that she could keep him until it was complete. I was proud of myself...even though this is a small step, I feel like they have all taken such advantage of me for so long and I think this woman who thinks she is the mother of the year should really have to start taking better care and responsibility for her son!
Thank you for the comment. How do you manage not to have any contact? does that work out for your Skid or skids?
To make a very long story
To make a very long story short, I TRIED to have an amicable relationship with BM in the beginning for many years (for the sake of skids & BF), even though I knew I had a large mountain to climb. She's not as psycho as some of the other BM's, but she's a master PASinator, manipulator, drama queen, plays the victim "damsel-in-distress", dependent on everyone else (total leech) but herself type of woman.
In the early years, I was always polite & friendly to her during the times I had to see her in person (skids' sport events, etc...). But as I came to learn how negative she is and her "true colors" started to show, I CHOSE to no longer have any contact with her. There are so many examples: she would try to turn the skids against me, try to manipulate BF & guilt him all the time, then would go ballistic when I would "call" her on these things; she created lies about me & alleged bad things I did to her kids when, in fact, we always had a loving, healthy relationship.
BM basically spent all of her time over 6 years of my efforts to build a healthy relationship with skids trying to DESTROY it. She's a jealous, pathetic, evil person. She tried one particular stunt about 1 year ago and even BF agreed with me that I would no longer have ANY contact with her - to protect MYSELF and to preserve my healthy relationship with BF & skids.
As for skids, I imagine they know that BM & I aren't BFF's - we rarely, if ever, speak at ALL, but I hope that one day when they're older, they'll see BM for her evil ways and they'll understand why I just couldn't be "buddy buddy" with her. For now, I'm sure that Mommy is the innocent one (in their eyes) and they may think we don't like each other (or worse, due to her PASinating), but I CHOOSE to ignore her and her dysfunctional ways.
I never speak badly about her in front of the skids...I just don't talk about her at all. I do let the skids tell me stories about things they do with BM, etc...and I always give them positive answers with a smile and interact with them about her (basically, I always take the "high road") because no matter what, she'll always be their Mom and I would never disrepect their feelings for her.
However, the skids have absolutely NO idea how I really feel about BM - as they shouldn't have to be put in the middle where BM always tries to put them. I have absolutely NO respect for her and she would never be someone I would ever be friends with (or even associate with) in the "outside world" (if I weren't in a relationship with BF).
Funny, because she has tried so hard recently to get in my "good graces" again. She has no clue that I am ALWAYS a step ahead of her and I know she'll NEVER change. For example, she tries to talk to me any opportunity she gets and she has even called me "honey" (in front of BF) when speaking to me. I just laugh, my BF just laughs even harder - because that's what we do. We just laugh at her. I don't give her ANY room for her crap anymore because I've already tried being amicable with her many times - been there, done that, have the t-shirt...and each time I've tried to forgive and forget, she just pulls another one of her classic BM stunts trying to get skids to hate me or being nasty to BF and goes back on her word...EVERY TIME. She's a hypocrite. Says one thing, does another. Acts like she wants to be my friend to my face, when I know she's just badmouthing me to anyone she can.
So I made the CHOICE to have no contact with her, that all issues involving skids are between her and BF and to let BF deal with all of her bull. This kills her because no matter what she does or what she says, she cannot get to me (or us or our relationship) - no reaction, nothing. I am always smiling, always handle everything with grace and with class. Not easy to do, but it took me many years to get to this point (BF & I have been together 6 years now).
My mantra is "YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED" and I stick to that like a hard-and-fast rule. I don't allow BM to control my actions, my emotions or allow myself to react to her behavior whatsoever. For every moment you spend worrying about, being mad at, being frustrated with, sometimes wanting to KILL BM (not seriously)...that's one more minute you could choose to spend fulfilling YOUR GOALS in life, YOUR DREAMS, YOUR FUTURE. I guess I've just finally taken back the CONTROL that BM always seems to have wanted (and perhaps I gave her too much of in the beginning).