I know that part of it is due to the fact that I am trying to quit smoking. I have been doing okay, taking a couple of puffs here and there, but hadn't had a cigarette since Wednesday (this is improvement since I was going through 1 1/2 packs per day). SO decides that he also wants to quit. I'm already getting worried because I know how I get when I try to quit and I know how he gets, but all seemed to be okay. Until today. SO goes to pick up ss9. When ss9 comes back, he starts doing the little divisive act that he sometimes does. I don't know if I mentioned this, but we are renting a room from someone, so I don't have privacy. SS9 begins talking in the baby voice and saying that I was ignoring "papa bear". I tried to ignore him. Then he says, "you don't love papa bear, but I do", and starts laying on SO. I looked at SO and told him "that's not true, tell him that you know i love you", but SO has a f-cking smirk on his face. I'm like "what's so funny?", and he says "nothing". I said "okay". But you know how sometimes when we say okay, we don't really mean it? It really means "okay, i'm gonna get your ass back". ss9 continued baiting me and asked SO if he wanted jello with whipped cream. He goes to the kitchen, gets the jello and brings one for his father and has one for himself and tells me I can't have any. I told him that if I wanted, I could take the jello from both of them since I'm the one that bought it and made it. My blood was boiling. Oh, and I was on the phone with a friend, and ss is eavesdropping on my conversation, and I cursed. He says, "watch your mouth" to me. I just looked at him. When he was playing a little while later, I heard him use the f word and I told him to watch his mouth. He denied saying the f word and said that he said "freak".
A little while later, ss9 starts hitting the wall with his foot. SO told him to stop because there is someone in the other room, and didn't he know by now that there is someone else in the apartment. SS9 answered snottily, "no i didn't". SO got upset and started asking him if he responded back to him. At this point, I interjected and sarcastically said "Oh, wait a minute, what happened to papa bear and baby bear?" SO tells me to mind my business IN FRONT OF SS. I then told him, "I won't mind my business since this is happening in front of me. You don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?" He got pissed and went to do dishes.
What gets to me is that I have learned from this site that we are supposed to present a "united front". How the hell am I supposed to do that when SO thinks it's funny sometimes the way that ss9 behaves. When ss9 tried to talk to me a little while later, I ignored him. I know that if I tried to address his behavior, he would say he was just kidding.

Also, on something totally different, my SO is also unemployed. A friend of mine offered to hire him as a supervisor in a department store and he was excited at first. Now he said that if they require him to work on weekends, he won't because he won't be able to see his son. I told him that he could ask the BM if they could alternate the dates if he starts working and he just came up with every excuse in the book on why he couldn't take the job if he had to work weekends. For example, he was complaining that if it were a school day, he wouldn't be able to spend the day with him like he does now. It's not like he does anything with ss when he gets him on the weekends anyway. All he does is allow him to play game ALL DAY!!! I'm disengaging because I love ss, but he is not my responsibility. SO has pushed a lot of the responsibility on me for too long and I am beginning to resent it. Also, SO is already 43 and he is just beginning to look for a career. I wouldn't have a problem with that, except he has a record so he doesn't believe he can get a "good" job. Well I am trying to hook him up with a decent job, and he is still making excuses.

Guess what? I hate living here, I hate the fact that I don't have my own place, I hate that I don't have privacy, and I hate being the responsible one. I am just so tired of everything, so tired of trying to change my SO into someone he is not. We have been doing nothing but arguing and fighting lately, and I am just not happy. It got to the point that the other week when we argued, I told him that he sucked at being a father, since he makes his son sleep on a broken air mattress and won't even buy him a bed. I'm the one who has been buying ss birthday, christmas, and whatever else gifts (mind you, I'm also on unemployment). I don't want to have to be the one to buy him a bed (and I've offered but SO said there wasn't enough room for a twin bed). When I have to buy my family gifts, he doesn't even ask me if I need help. He told me I make him feel like less of a man because I am not supporting him through this time, but how much more can I take? He's been working on and off for the past year and a half, and doesn't even save, because he's still into smoking weed with his friends (yes, you read that right). I'll just stop now while I'm ahead of myself because if I start going through the 10 years we've been through, I'm afraid I'll end up writing a novel instead of a blog.

P.S. My willpower broke and I smoked 2 cigarettes today.