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I don't want her in my life!

StepAvatar's picture

I have been dating SO for about 4 months, now, but we've known each other for longer. Throughout our friendship, we've been just that, friends, nothing more, nothing less. I've known about him and BM's issues, and how after he ran through some financial hardships in August of 2019, and he requested of her to get a job- she said she would, but as of April 2020, when SO and I got together, she hasn't moved her bum to do anything. She doesn't clean, nor cook for her own kids. He works 12 hours per day, sometimes more- throughout the 7 years he's been with her, he has to look after the children 2F and 4M. He is forced to cook them dinner, feed them, bathe them and tell them a bedtime story because she can't be arsed to do that. She spends the entirety of her day playing on a private video game server that my SO owned, and giving pre-cooked meals to the kids from 6am until 7pm. 

After my SO split with her, she was aware of my presence, but whenever SO and I would spend time together, his other friend would be present, so nothing went on during the time they were still in their civil union. After he told her that it's over, she went to his mum, basically crying her eyes out that he, and I quote ''left her for a North African woman.'' French women do look down upon women from my culture, and ethnic race, so I was NOT surprised. In that moment, I realised that she was a racist, and had developped a superiority complex. She told the friend that I mentioned before that she feels my SO downgraded, and shouldn't have gone for someone of my likes.  Now, for a bit of more context, I'm a 23 year old athlete, and I just graduated from a top university in Spain. She, on the other hand, is a 32 year old overweight, jobless, and only with a baccalaureate. Now, nothing against people with only baccalaureates, but I didn't like how she branded me beneath her just because of the colour of my skin. But, she didn't really now that SO and me were together, it was just speculations. My SO wanted to get her to sign custody papers amicably, and not have her emotions make stupid decisions and take away his kids. They set up a maintenance fee for the kids, and the price she wanted was absurd- so they had to get a lawyer anyways. During this time, she threatened to stop him from coming to see the kids, every 2 weeks like he wanted unless he paid her 1500euros per month. He declined, mostly because the lawyer told him that the price will get even higher when they grow older, as necessities for them at that age will be even pricier. As he saw that she wasn't going to agree on anything without court, he decided to tell her that he has been dating me for a few months. She was LIVID. She messaged me all angry, and called me all sorts of names. I was really hurt, but I decided to not fire back because I didn't want my boyfriend to get in trouble. Dumb choice. I know! 

She's been calling me names behind my back ever since. And I'm unsure that I want to spend the rest of my life with my SO, when she's going to be in his life for his entire life. I also know for a fact that since he has kids, it will affect our children, if we ever have any. That the whole financial part of it, as his children with her are quite young, will affect me, as I will have to take considerable financial responsibility for our children. And I DO NOT want to do that. 

Is there any way for me to still be with him, and not have her affect my life?

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

Girl, run. 

You are 23, childfree and have an excellent education that will allow you to have a great career. 

Do not tie yourself to this older man with kids and a lazy crazy exwife. 

Please! Do not waste your life. 

notarelative's picture

There is no way for you to be with SO and not have BM affect your life. Unless she magically disappears and a mind meld wipes her memory for SO's and the kid's minds, she will always lurk in the background and emerge when you least expect it. It's time to take your degree and move on.

shamds's picture

And Affect my life??” 

yes there is and its called disengagement and a waste of space to entertain her random ramblings of bullsh*t!!

my husband was already divorced 5.5 yrs when he first met me, bio mum had married days after divorce was finalised... whilst kids were in school and didn’t know she was even dating and having an affair... she was hooking up with an ex highschool bf who was married with kids... deperate much??

she finds out hubby is dating an educated Caucasian woman and she called hubbys eldest sister like a crazy woman ranting about how my husband had converted out of their religion and was dating a half naked christian caucasian whore...

ridiculous thing is this exwife is like the one of your bf, didn’t cook clean do any domesticated stuff despite being a housewife now for 26.5 yrs. hubby was married to her 14+ yrs and hubby said he wasted 14+ yrs of his life...  she’d let their young kids be in soiled diapers so hubby would have to change them when he got home from work,

she also never gave kids a bath, just maxed out his credit card every month to give the image how upper class and refined she was when she was so far from that

she has no grounds to complain or rant about me because of the person she is- useless and a leech!! My inlaws know this too so she is a total waste of space!! Her calling me a whore backfired because sd’s started questioning her about the inconsistent lies about me and she claims she is a born again religious woman and stupid sd’s bought it because they are so brainwashed and enmeshed with her. 

There is no respect for boundaries, privacy or anything, they lack manners so i refuse to be anywhere with them!!

how does the ex havr your number?? There is no reason for her to have it!! So change your number and she is not to contact you ever...

do you know dr phil from usa?? He always says that your bf/partner is the middleman who handles the issues and conflicts between his family and you. In this case the exwife was his ex family but still his issue to address, you do not get thrown in the ring to fight with her, he does it.

my family from dads side are European and 2 of my cousins married african women which they love. Very domesticated and take care of the home whilst their husbands are sole income earners.  Alot of local women in their country are on the look out for a good exucated rich man so they can sit on their butts like leeches and just spend all their money and do nothing

my husbands exwife has not worked in 26.5 yrs, she palmed off their youngest daughter to eldest sd whilst at uni claiming she had an imaginary I cannot walk syndrome. Reality is she can’t be bothered to be a parent but damn sure she is collecting that monthly child support payment and telling sd24.5 to remind daddy to continue his monthly support of $1000 per month to sd24.5 who has graduated university and been in fulltime employment since feb last year...

i am currently overseas with a 3 & 4 yr old and studying fulltime university (will finish end of next year) and hubby stuck overseas, explain to me why exwife who has refused to care for her 3 kids, palmed them off the first chance she could has never gotten a job in 26.5 yrs?? Its called laziness!!

in about 1.5-2 yrs our disposable income will be alot and exwife no doubt will play the pity me card how poor she is and hubby abandoned their kids (2 are adults) and hubby will be retiring early in about 2 yrs so i will be main sole income earner. No way in hell am I subsidising skids or exwife!!!

your bf needs to respect and enforce those boundaries and privacy of yours from the toxicity. The way i see it if they are not positive role models or individuals and just so full of toxicity, cut them out!!! They do not contribute to your quality of life

there have been some posts on steptalk where crazy exwives tell the courts to factor in the stepmums income and stepmum needs to pay child support pr be free childcare/babysitter for the feral stepkids!!! Yeah i’ll pass on that!!

in your case this man has 6 kids!! What are their ages?? Don’t think for a second the moment they become adults that child support ends. Most skids are leeches still demanding money or they will cut daddy off. Say goodbye to your future household disposable income where you are subsidizing and effectively paying csupport to the exwife and providing for the skids i  your home when it isn’t your responsibility ever!! There have been cases on steptalk of women in their 40s-50s asking daddy to take them grocery shopping because they are broke and its for the grandkids. Last year one stepmum relayed her husband bought his middle aged stepdaughter groceries which include prime cuts of meat lime tomahawk, porterhouse and red bull drinks.... i believe this  woman has a rule whatever miney hubby wasted on adilt sd, she deducts 3 times the amount into her savings. You’d think he learned but no!!

you should not be with a man who has 6 kids at your age!!! 

2 are female, lets hope they aren’t miniwives and the 4 ss are not chauvinists... 

notarelative's picture

There is no way for you to be with SO and not have BM affect your life. Unless she magically disappears and a mind meld wipes her memory for SO's and the kid's minds, she will always lurk in the background of your mind and emerge when you least expect it. It's time to take your degree and move on.

Kes's picture

High conflict, bitter BMs will pick on anything about us to try and attack and belittle - if not race, then anything else about us that they can see.  If you are set on continuing the relationship, then block her on all phones, social media etc. But personally, if I had been your age and someone gave me a glimpse of what the next 10 yrs would be like, I would think very carefully about whether this man is worth it, as there will be a LOT of stress involved in the next 15-20 yrs for you.  

SteppedOut's picture

I agree with this... except 15-20 years is not accurate. It will go on forever. Skid marriages....grandskids. There are stepmoms on this site dealing with stephell in their golden years with leaching skidults that are nearly retirement age themselves. 

StepAvatar's picture

For me, yes... absolutely! He's everything I've been looking for in a man. He does ask me all the time what he can do for me to ease up the situation, and I really don't know what to answer him.  He tells me he's going to marry me because he wants me to be his wife, not the new mummy for his 2 children.  He says all the time that when time comes, and we live together, and it's his time to have the kids, that he will take vacation time to take care of them, and I am never obliged to do so. He only gets them about 6 weeks every year, which are all the vacations, since they're going to school soon. BM wanted it this way so she can get more money off of SO. 

When she insulted me after she found out about me, it wasn't through my phone number, as she doesn't have it, but through a platform we all have access to, that doesn't need any number identification. She was dropping off his kids to him for the week, as she moved 600kms away, and as she had no place to stay, I told my SO that he should be nice to her, and offer her a place to stay for the week.  During that week, she started crying and being emotionally abusive towards SO, saying that he's the type to fix the situation if there were ever any issues, but because I'm in the picture, he didn't. Which isn't true, at all! 

For a bit of context, my SO owns an electric company. A company that hired his services chose not to pay around 40,000euros, and that really affected him, and in doing so his kids, too.  He has asked her to find a job to help him fix the situation, but she hasn't. That is why he grew to resent her, and hate her. If she truly did love him, or was even a partner to him, she would've moved her bum and helped her man, but she didn't.  So, he fell out of love with her. 

She started going mental during that week of her stay, and she threatened suicide. She told him he can keep the kids, and she'll just go and do something stupid. He had to get her mum on the phone to calm the situation, and BM went to sleep. He thought that was the end of it, and well..? it wasn't! When she pulled the same stunt the next day, he kicked her out. She took the kids, and he told her to NEVER contact him again, unless it's for the children. He also told her that he's going to marry me, and that she can't break us up. But, I KNOW she still stalks me on social media. And she still sends me bitter messages when I'm asleep, and offline. I read them off the notification pannel on my phone, because they get deleted everytime, but it's redundant, she calls me a sand n word, and the works. 

I just want to know what to tell him when he asks of me what to do for my sake... 

StepAvatar's picture

Yes, I have.  He's very gentle, and patient. He's calm and understanding. He builds them a ton of things in the backyard- and they have the prettiest tree house!  He even got two bunny rabbits, because his daughter saw Peter Rabbit movie and wanted one of her own.  He really loves his boy, too.  He always wanted to have kids, and he's honestly such a good father.  

Winterglow's picture

How does he discipline when there's bad behaviour? Does he know how to say "no" to them? Is either of them a picky eater? Do they insist he sleeps with them? 

StepAvatar's picture

I remember one instance when his son tried to feed the cats chocolate. He basically sat him down, and told him what would happen if the cat ever ate chocolate. His approach to discipline is to read them books about the matter.  He showed him a YouTube video about the consequence of being negligent with pets, and asked him how he'd feel if Jay Z (the cat's name... I know, very unoriginal) was to leave their family.  The son started crying, and basically apologised and hugged the cat tight. He's never repeated it since. 

Another instance, his son took toys from his sister, and he sat them both down, and he took the Cars toy from the son.  He asked him how that made him feel. The son said that he was sad, and felt weak because he couldn't take it from SO. He basically taught him just that because 4M is stronger and older than 2F, doesn't mean that he needs to use that against her. He read them books about sharing.  I notice that when they're at SO's house, they share and they're nicer to each other, but when they're at BM's house, there's yelling and crying and punishment...etc 

Yes, he does say no to them. They don't make a fuss at stores, and they're very good to be with in public. 

Picky-eaters? No! Haha, they eat everything.  My SO isn't a particularly good cook, but that's all they've ever known when it comes to home cooking.  They eat whatever I make them.

Winterglow's picture

I can't understand why, with all you have going for you and at such a young age, you want to saddle yourself with a man who has SIX children! WHY? Six kids and a resentful hateful ex-wife who will probably make it her life's mission to destroy you. Please take off the rose-coloured glasses and look at the big picture here. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being a doormat and a drudge to his offspring? A verbal, moral, and possibly (hopefully not) punching bag to his ex? 

You have a bright future ahead of you and have worked hard to get where you are - why would you throw all that away? Sometimes (quite often, actually) love is not enough. Run, don't walk, away from this crazy downward vortex that is trying to suck you in.

tog redux's picture

I think there are only two kids - she said 2F and 4M? But I do think she should end this and find a child-free man.

StepAvatar's picture

Yes, you're right. He only has 2 kids... The issue for me is that I've fallen deeply in love, and he says he'll do anything for me- he's even stopped talking to her, and only recognises her when he picks up the kids...

beebeel's picture

The kids are young and cute and mostly accepting of you for now. But broads like this bm like to use their kids as weapons and aim them at the girlfriend/step mom. When they are preteens/teens they most likely will be doing their mom's bidding by disrespecting you in your own home. You might even get to experience racism in your own kitchen. Oh joy! Then you will have THREE hateful assholes affecting your life...

Love isn't enough, darlin.

StepAvatar's picture

My SO's son has already told him he hates his mother, and wants to live with SO permanently. Because BM is horrible to her kids, and yells at them all the time... So, I don't know... I answered above to explain furthermore the situation... I really DO NOT want to deal with racism, specially in my own home. I deal with it on the daily living in a European country... I just want her to leave me alone. I want her to find her own happiness, and perhaps learn from her mistakes, but... I really doubt it. She's already leeching off of the government, and not working to support her kids, plus the money she gets off of SO monthly. She makes around 2,900euros just sitting on her ass, and yelling at her kids. 

tog redux's picture

Love seems like enough at the beginning, but as time goes on, resentment for all you have to deal with begins to grow.  And I don't know about how Family Court works in your country, but here, it is very mother-biased, so the boy may want to live with his dad, but if BM sees him as a weapon and a paycheck, she will do whatever she can to keep him all to herself.

SteppedOut's picture

Honestly, you have only been with your SO 4 months and he is talking about marriage (to bm even! Why did he do that?). 

Seriously, that is a red flag. I know it all seems so magical and you are soul mates and whatever else. But it seems, particularly with divorced dads this is very foreboding of bad things to come. 

Sure he says he wants to marry you for you to be his wife...not replacement mommy....but then you later mention his son saying he wants to live with dad. And crazy bm could drop kids off at any moment... He could have full custody at any moment for a number of reasons. Then what? He couldn't take vacation all the time? 

Bookmark this site, you are going to need it. 

tog redux's picture

That's a good point too. I hadn't even met my SS yet when we'd been dating for 4 months.

MissK03's picture

You are 23.. Go live life!!! Don't get caught up in "love!" You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it!! 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Many of the women on this site are well educated and well travelled, with successful careers and lots of life experience. And yet, we're here. That's because we don't know what we don't know until after we've experienced it. Those of us who've been through the stepwars have received a type of education you haven't, so it's easy for us to see all the red flags in your situation.

There's a right way and a wrong way to do most things, and your affair has started out very badly. Right now, you're high on love and experiencing a strong attraction to this man. You're making decisions based on emotion and chemical reaction. You're young, vibrant, well educated and beautiful - just the sort of prize an unhappy man in a bad marriage dreams of. But, what are you requiring of him? Where are your standards?

He's older than you, but he's done some very foolish things: getting involved with you before ending his marriage, telling BM about you before finalizing custody, and letting BM stay with him during visitation - all stupidity for which you will pay the price.

That you were friends before you started dating is irrelevant - in fact, you should ruthlessly disregard everything you thought you knew about him before and vet him solely on his present conduct. Many traits we'd accept in a friend do not translate well into an intimate relationship. So, approach this relationship as if you've only known him four months, and base your actions on that. Would you be discussing marriage with any other man you'd only known for a few months?

The fact that this man is eager to jump from one marriage into another is a huge red flag, and reveals his judgement is not good. What he should have done is end his marriage, completely tie up all legal arrangements, then spend some time alone to a) work on himself, b) learn how to parent successfully as a single dad, and c) give his children time to adjust before getting serious with you. Instead, he has created a mess that could potentially ruin your relationships with his children. Relationships that originate in infidelity have a very low rate of success, and you will never be able to overcome the bias some people will have. If BM labels you a scheming homewrecker and teaches her children that you are the reason papa left, they will grow to hate you and your life will be difficult.

I recommend you slow things down. Enjoy the high, but make no plans for a future with this man just yet. Be selfish - focus on your career, your friends and other interests. Enjoy him, but vet him critically. Not every romance must lead to marriage, and you are quite a catch. You are self sufficient, with all sorts of opportunities, so observe how well this man does on his own. There is no need to rush, and every reason not to. 

 

 

 

StepAvatar's picture

You're absolutely right, about everything! However, he wasn't married. He had a civil union, and he didn't get involved with me until after he broke off the civil union.  I wouldn't allow myself to be the other woman, ever. There was nothing romantic nor sexual during the time they were still in the civil union. 

However, you're right. He's different from the friend version I knew of him... I will try to go about this the best way I can- but it's clear that if she continues to be a pain, I cannot continue with him. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Unfortunately, the optics of how your relationship began are not good. BM likely feels that you caused her relationship to fail, and that is the narrative she will cling to and disseminate as it absolves her of any responsibility.

This is a very messy time in your boyfriend's life, and there will be still more upheaval and drama before he, his ex, and their children become stable in their new norm. They say timing is everything, and now is not a good time for him to be pursuing any relationship, yet he is. You are wise to distance yourself while he goes through this process and not accept drama or abuse.