Finally putting my foot down
So my SS is now on summer vacation, he will now be home ALL DAY until he has to go to summer school in about two weeks. But today I plan to finally speak up to my SO and throw down some consequences! My SS has BEEN slacking on looking after the dog and I have had enough. I have had to type up a flyer that reminds him to check on the dog, like he is a child, and plan to put it up in his room. I will also be asking for the TV wire and will not give it back until I feel that he is doing what needs to be done. I havent told my SO yet but plan to just say "hey, I know you dont discipline, but your way is not working. Hes now going to be home all day, so he needs to be on top of his duties with the dog. when I feel he is on top of them, I will give it back."
Giving him til the end of the week to show me hes earned it back. Which is nothing compared to how long I ground my DD. Hope all goes well, will update.
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I think it's a mistake to
I think it's a mistake to overfunction for your husband. It's HIS kid... HE needs to think this is important enough to make it happen..
I don't know if you have mentioned.. is the dog your dog? or his/your DH"s? Because it does not sound like your SS is reliable enough to take care of the dog.. and it's unfair to the DOG to have him suffer due to your SS's lack of motivation.. and with increased punishment.. SS might even take his frustrations out on the dog while you aren't there.
I would suggest figuring another way for the dog's needs to be taken care of. I'm not sure how it got handled before SS was so "freely available".. but it's clearly not working..
AND.. you don't have the power or authority to do the things you want to do.. those are your DH's responsibility to do those things.. you doing them.. without him wanting it to be done? won't work.. just makes you the bad guy.. and as a step.. you don't need that drama.
I get what youre saying..
My SO got the dog for US. I was against getting the dog, as I just found out we were expecting. I also didn’t want another dog after having to give my dog away. My SO agreed that he and HIS son would take on responsibilities of the dog. He has had to remind his son that they both agreed to take care of the dog, so this has been ongoing. I’m not worried about him taking things out on the dog as I do have cameras set up in the house. Also, the TV my SS has is MINE. It was my main TV from before we were together. My SO bought us a bigger one so he uses that one, so yes Ido have authority to take it. I should’ve took it a long time ago. And at this point I don’t mind being the bad guy. This is the only way to get through to the BOTH of them, and if I have to be the bad guy then so be it. Whatever the outcome will be worth it.
If you don't want the kid to
If you don't want the kid to have your TV.. fine.. take it. but try to keep in mind that steplife is a LONG game.. it's not about winning this battle to get the kid to be more responsible by your "iron fist"... it's about a long term relationship you have with his father.. and him as time goes by and others related to your DH. All those dynamics are at risk when you start to OVERFUNCTION for a parent.
Correction without connection breeds resentment.. and that will have a chance of bleeding over into others who may take the kid's side at you being a mean old SM.... and that includes your DH who does not appear to at all agree with your style of parenting.
The most direct and long term effective route is through your husband.. your partner..
He needs to hear that HE asked for this dog.. that you did not even want. but now the dog IS here.. and he promissed that he and his son would care for it.. but they ARE NOT. and that is unacceptable.. that either HE get his kid in line or you will be rehoming the dog.
He may not want to punish his kid, but he needs to get his kid to take care of this responsibility.. it is HIS job as a parent and a pet owner. it is not your job.. you don't WANT the job. I know you are in a 'whatever gets the job done" state of mind.. but that's short sided.. and itwill come back to bite you.
you can't play the heavy when his dad won't back you up.. and if you are willing to stand up to your DH on bucking his parenting style.. why not go straight to the root of the problem.. which is your husband's crap parenting.. fix THAT.. and a lot of other things will fall into place.
That route has already been traveled
I have already tried to go through my SO. I have asked him if he wants to keep the dog or give her to someone that will better care for her. He stated that he does not want to get rid of her. I then told him that he and his son need to be more on top of their responsibilities. He told me THEY would take care of her, THEY would share that responsibility, I wouldn’t have to worry about her as I am pregnant and the last thing I can do right now is try to care for this dog. And as I mentioned, we always end up here, with me having to tell BOTH of them what needs to be done. Am I worried about his son or family resenting me? Not at all. Maybe if he was a child, but he is not. He is 17 yrs. old with no responsibilities, goals, nothing to show for himself other than all the latest technological crap. If anything, I am doing them a favor, pushing this man into a reality. Nobody is a child forever.
Why don't you want a cordial
Why don't you want a cordial relationship with his son? with his family? I mean.. I totally get your frustration that they are shirking.. but you are really letting your husband off the hook. HE is the one that is dropping the ball here.. but you are focusing it all on his son.
It's not "do you want to rehome the dog. it's "if you and your son.. and if you can't get your son to do his part.. the dog WILL be rehomed. it won't be a choice for you any longer".
Your husband is supposedly an adult.. but you are letting him off way easier than the person who IS a minor.. and has apparently had not a lot of expectations put on him.. but at this point..you are not going to be the best messenger for that either.. I mean.. it's like teaching a pig to dance.. it won't do it.. and you will just end up muddy.. (while your dh stands in the corner all spotless and unbothered).
it's absolutely unfair that your husband is putting you in this position.. he is not being a good partner.
I dont feel Im not being cordial
When I first started dating my SO, his son was 15yrs. Hes always been very respectful, quiet. I was in an apartment with my BD so they only came over for weekends. They were living with a friend of my SO and the environment was awful. Nobody cleaned and they stayed in their rooms majority of the time. So I understand that this was a learned behavior. When we decided to move in together, I realized how bad it was, from BOTH of them. I chose to detach myself from him because right now, it just brings me lots of stress. And I get on my SO about needing to be on his son more, push him to be responsible. I’ve always avoided going straight to my SS. Now in a way I feel like that was a mistake, I should’ve treated him exactly like I would my daughter. All of the women before me have done the same thing. It’s almost like I okayed him to continue to be this way. His father has babied him so much that he has crippled him. I feel like it doesnt matter who it comes from, myself or his father. It’s my home, I am a parent in that home, so I have just as much authority as his father.
My cordial issue is that if
My cordial issue is that if you become someone that is handing out punishments etc.. "parenting" him.. he will resent you.. because it sounds like his dad is equally a slacker.. and he will feel persecuted.. and he will blame you for the new expectations.. and his dad will fail to back you up because HE isn't great at doing much either..
You certainly can insist on a level of cleanliness and order in your home.. but if your partner is not equally committed it will be very difficult to actually achieve that.
I will never understand why '
I will never understand why ''step-parents'' have to take a back seat on the parenting train. We are expected to teach these children as our own and yet when we do we are ridiculed or threatened with resentment. It’s a double edge sword. There’s too much gray areas. We are either treating them as equally as our children, which includes punishments, or we are not. Simple.
My SS is so used to being babied by most of his dad’s family because his mother chooses to not be in his life and that has been his free ride to STILL behaving like a child. I’ve seen this type of manipulation before and that’s exactly what he does. He behaves a certain way in front of his father so that the pity card can be used. I refuse to let him play that card. I’m not hitting him or yelling at him. I am simply showing him that there are consequences of not keeping up with your responsibilities.
I personally feel that
I personally feel that "stepparent" is the wrong term we should be using.
Because you aren't his parent. that's just the bottom line. He is a kid that lives in your home and is your husband's child.. your husband should be raising his whole child. You, obviously, should have input on how your home is run and your husband should respect your input when it comes to things that will impact you in relationship to his children.
You can, of course, have a good relationship with your spouse's child. You can expect them to be respectful to you.. and expect your spouse to ensure that they ARE. You can like them.. you can grow to love them. You can care about them and want them to have good lives... but ultimately, they are not your kids.. you are not their parent.
I do vehemently disagree that a step parent has to parent.. and love the kid as their own.. nope.. that's not how it works.. and ESPECIALLY when you are talking about older kids and teens.. you may grow to have a good relationship.. but they have parents.. they don't need another. (if they have "bad" parents.. that is still not the stepparent's issue to fix).
And.. there is nothing like the "new adult" coming in and setting alll these new rules and expectations and expecting the kid to toe the line.. and even worse when the bio parent is not totally committed and pushing for the same changes. It is a recipe for resentment because the kid was "just fine" in their squalor and laziness.. they are not going to appreciate all the new tough rules.. and coming from someone that they don't have a connection with? again.. it can be a huge mountain to overcome and persist long into the future and can cause a lot of ongoing stress for the relationship between the step"parent" and their partner.
Don't get me wrong.. I do not think you have overly high expectations of this kid. what I think is that your HUSBAND is being incredibly lazy and a poor parent and partner by not getting off HIS butt and parenting his kid.
Your partner is putting you in a no win position with his child. it's not fair and he is wrong for not doing what he needs to do to get his kid in line.
Again.. I don't believe SP's are really parents.. to their partner's kids.. they DO have a say in how their home runs.. but shouldn't be in a position of handing out consequences.
I mean.. sure.. when my Skids were at home.. I had no problem asking them to help me with some small task.. or to "stop jumping on the sofa".. minor things when dad wasn't around.. but I didn't punish them really.. I didn't step in and parent when my DH was there.. because I was not their parent.. he was.. and I funelled my big issues through him. (if they refused or gave attitude over a request.. I would just say" That's fine.. I will let your dad know you did not want to be helpful.. or "you were rude" today"
Good job
Good job! I think you have every right to try to teach your ss to be more responsible. Your DH should be doing it, but sounds like he isn't. If your DH doesn't support you, though, just tell DH its his problem now.
Thank you!
As I mentioned, my SO doesn’t ground his son, he doesn’t leave the house anyway. He doesn’t take things away, like his phone or game. And if he’s having to frequently remind him that he’s not doing what he’s supposed to, then his way clearly isn’t working. I’ve gone this long with just keeping my mouth shut and letting him handle his son, but enough already. And if he chooses not to support me in this, then we are going to have bigger problems..
Hey, Real Housewife,
Hey, Real Housewife,
Just out of curiosity, why did you have to give your dog away?
Also, with an advanced pregnancy and its associated exhaustion and hormonal hitches, the last thing that you need is to assume responsibility for a pet that your SS agreed to oversee!
Before the baby comes, it needs to be made plain to the slackers, (your SS and DH), that their dog with be rehomed unless they step up! Quite frankly, Hon, the more I read about your husband and his manipulations regarding the pouting and the silent treatment, the more convinced I am that you’re dealing with two adolescents.
I felt it was the best option
I was living with just my BD at the time, in a 2bed apartment. A friend of mine was giving away her litter and I agreed to take one. I felt it wasnt fair to keep him in an apartment. Another friend of mine owns a ranch and so he offered to take him. He has other dogs, kids and lots of room. Very hard to do but it was best. People dont realize how much work it takes to care for a dog or any other pet.
I'd give an Ultimatum about
I'd give an Ultimatum about the dog. Give them one month to get with the program or it's gone to a better home.
Search for "The Burning Platform" on this site. It might give you some ideas for both males living with you.
You mention SO not DH. How much more time have you given yourself to continue in in this relationship? It sounds like a real huge downgrade to live with these two. Do you need to give yourself a deadline?? Have you even considered it?
I looked back at a prior post
I looked back at a prior post.. she is having a baby with him..... so.. that is a complication...
But.. her DH claims to love her.. yet he continues to refuse to support her.. so I'm not sure if leaving is maybe not a better option for her and her daughter (and baby).
She says she loves him.. but I am not sure I would be able to continue to love someone who I was losing respect for. Before she was on the scene.. it sounds like they were both living with little order or cleanliness.. and it's not his son's fault.. he was raised this way.. but her SO should know better?
just loving someone isn't enough as a parent or a partner.
I'm too lazy to type out an
I'm too lazy to type out an entire post about why this is soooo not the right approach because you still will not hear it, but I'll simply sum it up to "Everything ESMOD said". You are enabling your DH to continue his behaviour. Good luck with that. Yikes.