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Tin Can Zen's Blog

pretty great check in

Tin Can Zen's picture

It seems I have weathered the long onslaught and come out pretty alright.

Big positives that I want to list:

-camp host job last summer: won the community parade float, DH made deep friends, got invited back for this upcoming season

-in person visits with my three youngest sons (23,26,27) where they all have acknowledged the teenage years and we were able to have an adult moment of closure. 

-BM died.

-DH bought me a small house on the 13th green of a treasure of a retirement golf course resort. I have a riverside walking path, too!

Ding Dong.....

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.....the BM is dead.

She was horrible for her entire adult life and left a lot of mess behind for others to settle.

My husband has had an immediate improvement in a lot of his health issues, likely from the eradication of deep seated injustice and stress. The purging of old stories about how horrific she treated him seem to be slowing, and I expect those wounds are finally scarring over. She was such a manipulative, drug-addled parasite on every person or institution with which she came into contact.

The cycle of heartache has come back around

Tin Can Zen's picture

My oldest 3 children are 36f, 34m, 32f. I don't post much of anything here because this gaping maw of pain in my memories just sucks my soul from me when I sit and acknowledge it. I carry a massive burden of shame, guilt, remorse. I wasn't a better mom than mine was. I did different things, tried to be wise and patient and kind. Intention doesn't mean diddly in hindsight.

De-lurking to share a minor triumph

Tin Can Zen's picture

I have been in the shadows here for years. I cannot share much of my situation as it pushes me to such deep despair. I may or may not change that. I try hard to be careful and wise with what I ruminate on and when I choose to tolerate poor behavior, I acknowledge that as MY choice, and don't complain about the personal cost. I don't know that I can or will leave. This life of mine is a heap of heartache and loneliness.

I am 53. I have been mostly a stay at home mom. It's financially trapped me. I don't have ANY resume.