about my DH and his "lack of balls"..."He doesn't fight back because he knows she's looking for that sort of response. Just because he does what she asks doesn't send her the message he loves her it sends her the message that he just wants to deal with her as little as possible. She's looking for him to fight and have drama as a way of seeing if he still cares for her."

Now I'm not sure how true this is but if you're thinking of marrying this guy, just be aware he will most likely always cater to BM's wishes. Or you could be one of the lucky ones with a husband that takes the steps to keep the arrangement fair. I'm a jealous woman and I've realized jealousy is a poison that will kill you or give you the worst wrinkles EVER! Best thing is leave the jealousy at the door so you can survive in the life you've chosen.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

and he needs to tell her that. That means all of her "rights" -- to try to boss him around, yell at him, etc. -- are gone.

As for the family comment, she no longer is his family. You and the boy are your husband's family. She is the boy's family. Separately. They are still "the parents," but she lacks the right to tell your soon-to-be DH how to do things in his house.

Nip this in the bud, or you'll be laying the groundwork for her to call the shots in your house, and will get more and more resentful.

You are not off base, and this is not petty. That would really bother me!

(I'm a stepmother for 5 years, 3 years married, and the ex used to yell at my DH constantly until I finally pointed it out him. They still get in some arguments, but it really brought her up short when he said she no longer is family and has no right to yell at him. I loved it!! She hung up.)

I feel you. My DH is one of those "non-confrontation" types. It kills me sometimes. I would love for him to tell BM to cram it up her fat ass, but he never does. DH's only concern is for his girls, and will keep the peace at all costs for their sake. Although I love that about him, I wish he'd put BM in her place sometimes. She really needs it too. She's one of those gossipy, drama types. She talks to DH like he's a dog too, which pisses me off. And he just takes it.

I realized that she does it purposely to cause fights between DH and I too. Let's face it, BM knows him and how he is. She knows exactly what she can get away with and uses that to her advantage frequently. I refuse to allow her that kind of control in our relationship though. I have waited my whole life for this man, and this woman will not stand in our way of a good life. I'm starting to feel sorry for her, actually. The more I look at her, the more I see someone who is just absolutely miserable with their life. It's kind of sad.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

My husband is a good man but BM has been manipulating him since their divorce 15 years ago. I came in the picture 3 years ago.

BM used to call and bully him until he did what she wanted. She completed controlled his life. He was running back and 4 around town for these children 4 TIMES A DAY. She wouldn't do anything. She'd call and tell him to drop the kids off at her house when it was her turn to pick them up because she was tired but never did crap for him. She ran him into the ground. She had him paying her $800 a month when she made more money than he did. The worst thing is, she had the skids brainwashed into thinking she was the victim. It made me sick.

My advice is nip this behavior by BM in the bud. When BM called and started screaming, DH learned to say, if you don't stop yelling I'm hanging up. BM would hang up. She threatend to take us back to court so we took her back to court and she ended up oweing us money. Which we chose to waive. He started saying no. No, I'm not taking the kids to your house--they can stay here until you pick them up. No, I'm not watching them just because you don't feel like it today. He forced her to stick with the schedule.

BM was enraged and there was a big war. After, she'd had a free ride for 15 years. The kids took her side. After two years, everything died down and we now have a normal life and marriage. I am DH's wife. I run our house and she can run her house. I had to fight for this but it was worth it. The skids are learning to respect both DH and I. They had no respect for him before. They are treating him better.

Stick to your guns. It's worth it.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Wow, it sounds like you typed into my brain there for a moment! I'm going thru the exact same situation. I'm 26 and have been living with my BF for awhile and we have his 5 year old daughter parttime. She and I have bonded so much and it has been an awesome experience overall, even tho similar to you i was totally aiming for the other direction!! My BF and his EW were pretty good friends and at first I tried to be ok with that because honestly she seemed like a really cool person. That was until she found out that me and BF are wanting to get married. Now she is one of the most manipulative people i've ever met! Like you she tries to control every situation and event went as low as asking my SD if "she liked me better than her"...who asks a five year old that? Why put someone that young into the middle?! BF and I sat down and talked and came up with a list of things that were important to us. We then sent EW an email telling her that these are a list of lines that we do not want her to cross. Of course she wasn't happy, and this just happened a couple days ago so who knows if it's gonna last. (Hopefully it will, or I am gonna lose my mind!) But no you aren't alone out there girl! And thanks for sharing your story, it's nice to hear one so similar (even though crappy) to mine!

I hope it will help. I noticed that the more BM ranted and raved and hatefully nasty, the more DH jumped through hoops. My theory, he'll do anything to avoid conflict. Being nice got me no where. It was easier to ignore me than her. Okay, I thought, I'll just yell louder and I live with him so I can't make it even more uncomfortable for him.

She pitched a fit to get her way, I screamed louder and longer to get mine. Hey it worked, she's gone and now all is peaceful and happy. It was tiring but it worked. BM is out of the picture now. She doesn't play mind games anymore. I won and she knows it.

Good luck all.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"