Fiance's concerns about our baby - guilty parenting of SS2
As some of you know -- and so nicely congratulated me about last week -- I am pregnant. We went from shocked to excited in about an hour's time, and have settled in to the happy idea. DF is so sweet and has often commented that he is so excited to "get it right" this time...as in, he's having a baby with somone he truly loves and wants to spend his life with.
However, he's expressed concern over feeling guilty for his 2 year old son. I've seen plenty of information on this site about guilty parenting. I think it's incredibly insightful of my fiance that he already recognizes his own feelings this way and is willing to talk to me about it. He's afraid that (especially if we have a boy) his son will feel unwanted or will feel bad that he's not with Dad all the time, when his little sibling gets to be in one household (ours) 24/7.
I told him this is a valid feeling that he'll have to learn to deal with...and that he'll need to continue to be open about his feelings so that he doesn't end up "guilty parenting" his son. I think he felt better after I was supportive of him and understood what he meant. He also talked to his own father, who told him he too felt that way when he remarried and had another child. It seemed to help DF because he realized he wasn't affected as a child in a negative way by his younger half-sister because his dad loved him so much and always showed them all equal love when they were together.
Any other words of wisdom out there?
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When my mom brought my little
When my mom brought my little sister home from the hospital (I was two at the time she was born), I happily agreed to pictures holding her, and was excited for about half an hour. Then I politely told my mom that it was time to "take her back to the hospital." When I found out that she was a permanent member of the family, I sobbed into my pillow for about an hour. After that, I labeled all my toys with a sharpie and once bonked my new little sister over the head with an old toy that I hadn't played with since I was an infant (that my mom had dragged out of storage for my sis) and told her it was "Mine!" We definitely got off to a rocky start and it didn't help that my dad was her biological dad, not mine, and she looked just like him with big blue eyes and blonde hair. Luckily, I had great parents and my dad was able to make me feel loved, as well as his two daughters from his first wife (my step-sisters) and helped to get me excited about being a big sister. My mom didn't tolerate my acting out behavior, but she was extremely loving and got me so involved with being a "helper" that I soon became my little sisters biggest fan and protector. I realized that I had a new best friend and being naturally bossy, took it upon myself to help her learn all the basics (reading, tying shoes, bike riding) as well as bossing her around and basking in her hero worship of me.
Every single one of my sisters had a different biological dad and we grew up in a warm, happy, loving family where each of us was equally loved for being our own individual person. I think you will be amazed at how easily your SS will adjust and adapt to having a new sibling. Emphasizing being a "big brother" and having him help with the baby's care makes a big difference and gets him involved rather than risking a greater chance that he will feel discarded, ignored or unloved. I think your husband's concerns are completely natural and very normal, but there is always room to love one more person and there isn't a limit to paternal/maternal love. My mom told me that she was worried when she was pregnant that she couldn't possibly love me as much as my older sister and then when I was born all her worries went out the window because she loved both of us equally and had room for both of us in her heart (as well as my later two sisters).
A little anxiety and possibly rebellion are normal from an older sibling, depending on the age, but the more you read up on it and prepare for it the better it will be. There are tons of books out there with helpful advice for expanding families and sibling issues and tons of websites as well. I think it will work out fine and better than fine with a little extra research.
Anyway, best of wishes and congratulations on your pregnancy!!
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your insight on this. I definitely will share with him the things you suggested and keep all the upcoming changes in our life on a positive note for SS3. My stepson is very sensitive and I do anticipate some feelings of jealousy there (he is like that even with his younger cousin)...but we are going to try to nip that right away by showing him all the cool things a big brother gets to do!
And like I said, I think it's good that DF realizes his feelings right now...rather than being an ignorant guilty parent in the future. I will keep your words of wisdom in mind. Thanks!
SD7 was 4 when DD3 was born
SD7 was 4 when DD3 was born and she has never shown the slightest twinge of jealousy. I involved her in my pregnancy quite a bit - letting her feel the baby move, showing her scans, talking about how developed the baby was, taking her to pick out baby things, etc.
SD5 was 2 and she didn't show signs of jealousy until DD started walking and talking. Then she'd hide DDs favourite toys or destroy them and started hitting and kicking her. She still does it in fact. I think most of the problem is BM though. SD5 is over-babied and BMs response to our child being born was to baby hers more. She also goes out of her way to create bad feelings between her kids and ours.