Help!
If i marched into the living room and turned off the music that my stepkids were listening to without explanation after DH called them to the table for breakfast, am I being mean? Our living room and dining room are combined, so they could've kept listening while we ate if i didn't turn it off. we don't typically listen to music while we eat. the music was upbeat, i think it was lady gaga. it was around 9AM.
please tell me honestly. DH is saying that these kinds of things are the reason why I feel alienated in the family...but in my family, this would've been very normal parent behavior.
please, if you think it sounds like i was mean, tell me the truth. i feel like i am going insane, because to me this is very normal and DH keeps repeating that it was mean.
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I think as a parent you have
I think as a parent you have that right, especially if it is teenager louc music, I can not think with that music. your right KTL
We never watched TV or
We never watched TV or listened to music during music time unless we were all eating in the family room with the specific intent to watch a particular TV show.
This sounds like an opportunity to set a family rule regarding meals. I would suggest that you and DH discuss it then publish and enforce the rule accordingly. Whatever the rule you decide on.
Good luck and best regards.
also, if i went in and said
also, if i went in and said "you need to come in now" i think DH would've flipped out and said i am being completely rude, too.
yeah, they'd already left the
yeah, they'd already left the living room area and were sitting at the table when i turned down the music, though. the areas are combined, but still. i really was just turning it down so we could talk while we ate -- like we almost always do.
IMO, parents do not need to
IMO, parents do not need to explain every one of their actions and motives to children Skids or Bios...
However, in my situation I make sure that SKs understand that we do things differently at DH's than they do at BM's. Maybe what DH is truly bothered by is that there was no explanation offered?
yep, that's what he keeps
yep, that's what he keeps saying. but, at our house we don't usually listen to music while we eat, so i didn't even think of giving an explanation!
thanks. to be clear, though
thanks. to be clear, though -- the kids were already sitting down at the table when i turned it off. I didn't walk in and turn off music in the living room while they were sitting and listening to it -- i turned it off AFTER we told them to come and eat, and they were already in their dining room chairs. That's why I am so confused. I'm honestly not even getting why my DH wanted the music on while we ate! We rarely ever do that.
I am still floored that your
I am still floored that your DH is such a puss as to be mad because you turned off a radio in your home.
That is crazy. That is not something you need to ask a child permission to do. Now I could see if the child were cooking something and you turned off the stove, then he would have a right to be pissed. But you turned off a freaking song. He needs to grow up.
And it is rude to blare music in the house anyway if others are home. All of our kids can listen to music in their rooms with the door shut and that is it. It is not a frat house, it is a home that other people live in also.
Right. In my opinion, it is
Right. In my opinion, it is because we are supposed to create a wonderland for these children, totally bereft of reality.
I don’t think it was mean at
I don’t think it was mean at all… but I do think that if you decide that “meal time = family time” (like it is in our house) the others are right to set a standard that all distractions (TV, music, etc.) are to be turned off during mealtime. The Skids know… as soon as we shout “foods ready!” they jump up, turn off the tube (or whatever) wash their hands and sit in their seats. (Grumbling though they sometimes are.)
I feel terrible that you feel so alienated in your home… it should NEVER feel like “You against Them” (meaning you against your husband and his kids) if anything the adults should override anything the kids have to say on principle… respect for the elders and such. I know that whatever my mother (or stepfather for that matter) said was gospel, even if it contradicted something she said just five minutes ago… the answer was always a resounding, “Yes Mam!” And they stood together on whatever issue arose… that’s how my DH and I try to run things… he may question me on something later that he thought was unfair, but never in front of the skids. He’s teaching them to respect their elders… especially their parents. ALL of them.
Please stop being so hard on yourself… you are an adult in that house and should always be respected as such. Period.
Thanks, everyone. I am just
Thanks, everyone. I am just so sick of this dynamic. DH always makes me feel like crap about decisions I make. He keeps telling me I am wrong every time I try to discipline the kids or enforce any order in the home.
In this case, I was just trying to make breakfast more peaceful. I'm pregnant -- DH knows, Skids don't yet -- and have headaches every morning. To me, that means he should be more reasonable and respectful of my needs. Not to DH, though.
He keeps telling me I am
He keeps telling me I am wrong every time I try to discipline the kids or enforce any order in the home.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think I would very firmly tell DH that since he gets his panties in a twist everytime you discipline or enforce any order, that you are going to stop. Tell him that he is Dad and he is the one that has to step up and parent. In ALL areas. cooking for the skids, cleaning after the skids. All that good stuff.
On a side note. I read thru your blogs and you both seem to need some therapy. You for insecurity issues and him for anger issue. JMHO. good luck.
i'm sure you're right. and
i'm sure you're right. and we are both in therapy. i think we probably need to go together, too. basically, all of our cash will wind up in child support and therapy!
How often do you get the
How often do you get the kids?
He takes them to dinner every
He takes them to dinner every Tuesday, we have them overnight every thursday, and then we have them every other friday night through monday morning.
yeah, but the issue is that
yeah, but the issue is that we live in nyc and he only gets them from 530-730 on tuesdays. it isn't enough time for him to pick them up, bring them to our apartment and then return them (and this timeframe is locked in because of his divorce agreement -- not negotiable). so, he has to have dinner with them around their mother's house...otherwise, they wouldn't have time to eat (or cook...which means dinner would fall on me...)
i get to hang out on tuesdays alone or with friends, and it is good for me. so, even though i agree that it is kind of absurd, it isn't that unusual given the facts (or given life in NYC).
That was not mean - they need
That was not mean - they need to listen to their music in their rooms or on headphones, like you said, unless everyone agrees to hear it. Not at the dinner or breakfast table!! DH is being a wuss imo, sorry dear
I am the mom. They are the
I am the mom. They are the kids. That is all there is to it.
It is MY home, DH and I set the rules, if I want to turn the music down I will... !