BM does not want new gilfriend around skid until divorce is final..
New here!... issue#1. Been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 years. His divorce is finally over this month. However, BM does not want her daughter (12) to spend anytime with me (dad's girlfriend) until the final divorce papers arrive. He feels that he must do what she says or else she could make the situation more difficult. It upsets me that he is willing to cater to her feelings rather than mine. He says to give it another 2 months before introducing me to his daughter...regardless of how the BM likes it or not. I just think that since he moved out more than 1 year ago from his house....why is it necessary to wait??? Am I way out of line? I also have not been introduced to any of his family.
I don't have any kids of my own. I keep telling my boyfriend that I would like to be exposed to being a stepparent so I can see what it's like. so I can decide if it is for me or not. I had a stepmother from hell and would not want to be one myself.
IssUE # 2
I would like to know what you guys think....he is trying to figure out a schedule....
He drops of his daughter (12) school daily. picks her up from school and takes her to soccer practices 2-3 times/week. He wants her to spend time with us every Friday and Saturday morning.....four weekends a month. I believe that that is a little too much. I would personally like to have a kid free weekend twice a month. But he is not having any of that. He is extremely attached to her and would not dream of not seeing her for a whole week.
I am not allowed to go to the soccer games, because it would hurt the BM's feelings..
to be honest ...I am begging to think that I am better off dating a childless guy. because I grew up with all this drama myself...
I need some advice...thanks!!
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Comments
Does she know you've been
Does she know you've been around for 4 yrs?
to be honest, I don't know
to be honest, I don't know what he tells her .....but she does know I have been around for at least a year.
LOL...I did think about
LOL...I did think about that....I told him he could just introduce me like a friend ....I tell him that it's nobody's business .....let people think whatever they want....right? but he says he feels "guilty". because it is not "Official"... it's all BS to me....
thanks for your reply. The
thanks for your reply. The two times that I got to spend time with his daughter, I was just introduced as a friend from work. we did not hold hands, kiss, or anything to imply that we are dating. I did not want to make her uncomfortable. we made it seem like I ran into them at the bookstore by chance and just grabbed a bite to eat.
His divorce will be final in 2 weeks...but I told him my patience is running out. I need to be exposed to stepparenthood !!.
again, thanks for your reply...
I was in school for 3.5 out
I was in school for 3.5 out of those 4.5 yrs. We had a long distance relationship. I knew his situation at home had been over for 10 yrs, and they were just living together for the sake of their daughter....so we both agree for him to spend time with his daughter and not file for divorce until later closer to me being done with school.... I know----looking back ----he should have filed a long time ago....
thanks for your reply...
I think it's unfair to say
I think it's unfair to say that just because the divorce wasn't finalized, that means she and the bf were having an affair. To me, paper is just paper, and if in reality the couple is no longer together and does not have plans of reconciliation, that is fair game. Divorces can take a long time if the couple has any money and the lawyers want to relieve them of it. My boyfriend of four years was separated from his wife for over a year before we even met, and wasn't legally divorced until two years into the relationship. I certainly don't consider myself the other woman.
Hmm, didn't see the above
Hmm, didn't see the above about the boyfriend still living with the wife while you guys were together. Yeah, that's not cool. This guy sounds like a world class piece of shit.
I love that he is active in
I love that he is active in her life. he is a great father. I am just concerned that he spends a balanced quality time with her, and just us and all of us together....
You already know the answer.
You already know the answer. Sounds like you want out too. Never met his family- not good. Bm doesn't know the truth about you- not good. Never met his kid after 4 years- notgood. Had a bad step experience already- not good. Already things are off to a bad start. If your gut is telling you to get out, then please listen. If you insist on staying, well..your choice.
If you do stay you can wait the few months to meet his kid, after all you've waited 4 years already what's a few more months? After that, it's fAir game. If sd doesn't want you at the games then don't go. If sd doesn't mind and bm doesn't want you there then you can still go. Just remember that bm will cause drama. And sounds like your bf isn't too supportive of you already considering he's hiding you. Why are you a secret again? Not good!!
thanks for reply...I told my
thanks for reply...I told my self....if this holiday season he does not even introduce me as a friend to one of his 6 siblings....than I better run the other way. I have been patient enough with this situation. I don;t want to hide anymore. and you are right....I will ask SD if it's ok to go once in a while to her games... thanks..
I think people are weird
I think people are weird about the whole separation thing. We have a roomie that has been "separated" for 5 yrs. He found out his ex has been dating for 3 months and got all fruity about it. I think people are better able to handle the threat of somebody new when the divorce is final, because it's sort of a "closure" for all parties involved. I would just respect her wishes, if you've been hiding yourself this long you might as well wait the last 2 months, then show up to the soccer game.
i agree with tx mommy. after
i agree with tx mommy. after FOUR ALMOST 5 YEARS you still havent met his daughter or his family? It sounds kind of like you want out, which I wouldn't blame you, being hidden for so long... I just dont know else to say, except listen to your heart on this one, the situation from here on out does not look good.
yes....yes....thanks for a
yes....yes....thanks for a little reality check... arghh!!!
#6- I was actually wondering
#6- I was actually wondering myself if maybe he already is/has been cheating on her. Never introducing her to family or friends this whole time? Maybe he has a few things going on at the same time...
I can't believe it's been
I can't believe it's been four and a half years and you haven't been invited to meet your boyfriend's daughter. That would piss me off to no end.
I'm in sort of a similar situation... I've been with my boyfriend for four years and I met his daughter a few months into the relationship. I have no kids myself, and felt uncomfortable with the situation from the first time that we all met. By the time I met my boyfriend's daughter, he and I were already very much in love, and although I would have much preferred to fall in love with a guy without children, what was done was done. For years he had her every other weekend and wednesday, and I gotta tell you, that was plenty for me. Every weekend seems very excessive, especially if you haven't even met his daughter yet. Now, four years down the line, and my boyfriend is pursuing full custody of his daughter (and the lawyer thinks he'll win). He wants me to move in with him and be ready to have his daughter full time. (I'd make sure that the full custody thing isn't in your future.) Now I'm left trying to figure out if I should leave my love or put up with living with his daughter 24/7. The biggest problem with this is that our relationship is so different when his daughter is there. My boyfriend caters to her every want and does not act affectionaltely with me. To some degree, I find that I'm grasping to our solo relationship, the one that's not really going to exist when his daughter is there. It's a hell of a situation to be in, and I'm sure you're right there too, or at least you will be soon.
I can't pretend to know the intimacies of your relationship just by reading your entry, but it sounds to me like you are a very low priority for your boyfriend. Sure, the guy needs to protect his daughter, but jumping into step parenting is very difficult and you would think he'd want to make that transition as easy for you as possible if he values you as much as he should. He and his daughter are one unit- *the most important unit*- and to some degree you will always be an outsider. The fact that your boyfriend can keep such a big part of his life separate from you for 4 1/2 years is deeply concerning. I know it's probably hard to think about your life without a man you've been with for so long. It's hard for me too.
I actually think it is
I actually think it is disrespectful of your BF to even entertain custody of his daughter without discussing it with you and getting you on board since you have been a permanent fixture in his life for 4 years unless of course his child is being abused or neglected and the move is necessary.
I think if you are already in a relationship with someone for some time and your whole relationship is going to change based on one decision, each party that would be affected should weigh in. The decision should not be unilateral.
My opinion is similar to
My opinion is similar to others. Men even woman who don't introduce their loves to their family and friends are usually not that into you. Therefore, this relationship you've been having for the past 4+ years is not as serious as you believe or would like. I'm sorry but that is the reality of your situation. However, I would like to add that even under normal conditions - meeting some even several years after the divorce is final -- the family, bm, skids, etc...are still very very difficult. You will always be blamed for something or everything. My bm blames me for a lot of issues, while my fdh and her were married, now and I am sure for future. Though I met my fdh 2 years after the papers were signed!!!! Sounds crazy?! Yes, it is. I didn't know the man existed and I'm being blamed for shit!! These issues and so many other issues are "in" your face all the time, you are married (marrying, dating, whatever the case is) not just him but all his people. Granted the situation is made better or worse depending on the support of you mate. But even so it's very hard on the women because most of the time we take the majority of the responsibility with house, kids, etc.
I love my fdh and most of the time his kids. BUT there are times more often than not when I just want to run away. And that's even with fdh being supportive, caring, loving, and setting boundaries with his x and kids. It's still trying and exhausting.
If I were you, I would figure out if this is all worth it.
Read the blogs here...these are daily issues we all struggle with. It doesn't get better, you just drink a little more wine with dinner to make it better.
I think if he does what she
I think if he does what she says it will make things more difficult!! She is testing out her arms reach....will he listen? can she push him around and make demands that make no sense?
I mean really what does it matter if she meets you today or in 3 wks? I mean come on!
She is testing him. He should do what he wants, if she questions tell her to mind her own biz. What he does or does not do in his home with his child is not up to her anymore.
All of these issue will not change. These will be the same arguements and stress 5 yrs from now. Run, if you dont want to deal it. Believe me it totally sucks