Any issues with disengaging?
I haven't been on the site much because the skids haven't really been bothering me all that much. Their weirdo mom is still an issue, but that will always be the case. Luckily for us, she moved 10 hours away.
I have disengaged from both the kids. Arguments between me and DH about the kids are completely gone. I don't monitor their chores in the morning (as a result, they don't really do them or they do a horrible job with them), I don't tell them to clean up their messes (I just walk up stairs and throw their toys in the room...I need the exercise anyway), I ignore the pigsties they call a room (I just close the door and keep it moving), and I even told DH that when he has to work on the weekends, he needs to find someone else to watch them (I have watched them once but I didn't take them anywhere because they are so ungrateful). I pretty much ignore all the things that irritated the crap out of me before. I don't think it's in their best interests because they are lazier than ever, messier than ever, and their behavior is getting worse....but if their own parents don't seem bothered by it, why should I be getting headaches and wasting money on co-pays for the therapist?
Even though I feel a lot happier than before, I do feel slightly guilty because if these were my kids, I would be making sure that they were developing good hygiene, manners, etc.. Has anyone felt guilt when disengaging?
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Yes, I feel guilty because I
Yes, I feel guilty because I see that SO feels helpless regarding the skids. Helpless in the sense that when he tries to play an active parent role he just gets knocked down. So I want to help. I want to keep him motivated. I want to see that the skids are heading in the right direction, but when I bring anything up that should be a big deal, no one else thinks it is! No your 15 year old daughter shouldn't be walking around with low cut tanks for all the world to see her C-D size boobs. No she shouldn't be posting her cell number on facebook for all to see, particular a boy that looks like a real loser who you are asking to txt you. When I say anything SO just says "the clothes thing isn't that big of a deal". Really??? What father thinks its not a big deal for their daughter to walk around like that. Tight fitting clothes and low cut tops?? I thought father's were embarrassed by that?
I think he's too worried about keeping them happy to be a parent. So he acts more like a friend.
Yes...I get that feeling too.
Yes...I get that feeling too. DH doesn't necessarily get that the kids should be developing certain habits at this point. I get the feeling he is a little overwhelmed with everything having to raise them on his own.
Not really. I understand
Not really. I understand what you are saying though. I KNOW if I were more engaged with ss that at least he's shower, brush his teeth, etc while he was here. Also if it was up to me I would make him bring his school books and catch up on all his missing assignments while here so his grades would come up as well. Also, if i wasnt disengaged I'd call him out on every lie he tells-which after awhile would get old and he might think twice about lying in front of me. In essence I would try and teach him morals and values.
But as you said it-the parents dont care. You just end up looking like the bad guy and noone appreciates that you are trying to make the children better people they only resent you and in turn you will end up having a more conflictual relationship with your spouse and likely the skids.
I made sure early on that my dh is aware of my concerns with ss-his hygiene, his grades, his aggression, his disrespect, etc. I have at times even offered suggestions and advice-but the carry thru is up to him (I would even help if he would be willing)but I cant parent his child all by myself with him and bm sabotaging my efforts the whole way.
My ss will not be visiting our home any longer unless something changes with his behavior. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about that but i have been literally speaking to dh for YEARS about my very seriuos concerns and have told him if he wanted ss to move back in I would be willing to consider it but things would have to change and I explained what those changes were. Well, things not only didnt get better they got worse-so now we are to the point where I am not comfortable with ss even visiting. I feel like my denial for him to be in the home is a natural consequence of having huge problems in our blended family for YEARS and noone (ss,dh,bm) willing to do anything about them. Dh has agreed (for now). I do wonder if in reality he will pressure me to allow him back after a visit or two away from home. I will have to stand my ground!
"But as you said it-the
"But as you said it-the parents dont care. You just end up looking like the bad guy and noone appreciates that you are trying to make the children better people they only resent you and in turn you will end up having a more conflictual relationship with your spouse and likely the skids."
Yep...this is where we were headed. Our therapist even told DH that if he didn't take over more of the discipline, the kids were going to hate me.
I only feel guilty for
I only feel guilty for disengaging because I feel like I am not fully supporting my husband while he trying to deal with issues arising from the Skids and their situations, but the truth is there is no way I could support the way he handles his adult Skids, I dont agree with alot of ways he handles things, which leads to resentment towards the kids and its now turning into somewhat lack of respect for my DH.
When I got married I expected to fully be there for my DH, helping him, supporting him through things in our lives. But now I've learned I can't change anything when it comes to the skids or how he deals with them and their BS so I disengaged and now let him handle it all on his own. It works better for me this way.
THIS, this is me.
THIS, this is me.
Feel the same way too. I do
Feel the same way too. I do feel bad when he has to work and his parents have to watch them and I am not as involved with their activities anymore, but due to the way they are being raised, I can't really tolerate a whole day of taking care of them.
I read a bunch of books and sites and had to come to terms with the fact that they are not my children and I am not responsible for how they grow up. But I still feel pangs of guilt knowing that I could whip them into shape (but at the sacrifice of my mental health).
I don't think my problem is a
I don't think my problem is a lack of respect from DH. DH is not blind to my feelings about the kids. The only reason I have been able to disengage this way is because of his support. I am able to go to him and tell him anything about the kids without worrying about his reaction. I have counted my blessings many times because I've read how some of these husbands side against their wives and DH has never done that. I have always had complete authority in the house to discipline the kids. That was the problem....I was the main one doing it. Even our therapist saw it.
We've had the issues where the kids weren't being respectful (like not saying good night to me, not saying bye after dropping them off at school in the morning) and DH was constantly getting on them about it. That's all stopped now and I haven't had to deal with that kind of stuff for months (or maybe I just stopped caring and noticing? LOL) They still don't say thank you consistently to everyone, no matter how many times DH tells them. There's only so much a parent can do.
I don't agree with the way he raises the children all the time...He's extremely lax on their hygiene, chores, and other basic things. I know he isn't bothered by messy rooms or toys on the kitchen counter or the running around. But I don't view it as disrespectful that he doesn't force his children to do everything I want them to do.
I feel some guilt, but when
I feel some guilt, but when you've exhausted all other avenues, you don't have much of a choice do you?
When I say disengaging for me it just means I try not to dwell on SS7s behavioral problems and leave it up to his DH. Unless it starts affecting the entire household, then I won't have that.
The only thing is that DH is very demanding of my biological son and does not hold any of the same standards for his. He constantly has to find ridiculous stuff to criticize my son about which is very irritating now. Wish he would focus on being a parent to his own child and not such a hypocrite about EVERYTHING. It was his (DHs)dishes and trash that he was mad that my son didn't clean up after him last night. It just gets more ridiculous every day. Wish I could get him to "disengage" lol.
Re: the revealing clothing of
Re: the revealing clothing of SD, your DH may be PROUD of it.
The other day, GG said to me: "I'll bet my Venus De Milo (PASed out for almost three years SD12)
has a better body than the women I work with"
That kind of made me throw up a little in my mouth.
I have a bioson who is 23 and for all intensive purposes HOT! I would NEVER go around saying that "Awesomeson has a much better body than the guys I work with"
That's just plain inappropriate and shows, once again, NO BOUNDARIES!!
Nada - NO guilt!
Nada - NO guilt!