After the hospital incident... I'm leaving him
I'm not going to lie. I am bawling. I never thought a husband can be so heartless. During our blow out yesterday I shouted how I hated him, hated his face, hated everything about him. He told me to get out by Saturday then. He followed me to the room yelling at me how I'm immature and irresponsible. That I don't have a job and just have unemployment... which I've been actively looking and get a few hours a week. I say how if I was the irresponsible one, then why did he have 2 kids with a woman he knew he wasn't going to marry. You know what he says??? "At least I don't regret getting her pregnant like I do you, and you're my wife!" HOLY SHIT!!!! OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!!! LOWER than LOW!!! I frantically started crying my eyes out and screamed for him to leave the room. I said it 2-3 times and he wouldn't until I tried pushing him out of the room. He still wouldn't. I got him through the doorway and tried to slam the door, but he jammed his foot there. He wouldn't budge. I kept crying and screaming for him to leave me alone, in disbelief he could say something so cruel. He came up to me and accused me of being physically abusive. I don't remember too much after that except him saying no matter what was said, physical violence never is an excuse. I had tried explaining how his being absent from the hospital made me feel abandoned, alone, and uncared for by him. And that he should have never said what he said about the ex's pregnancy vs mine. He claims that's no excuse and he needs to think about things and leaves for work. 10 minutes later, I get a call from his mom. Just to add more stress. I was dumbfounded and spoke very little. He came home later and continued to say how wrong I was for saying I hated him and getting physically violent... which I pointed out he was being verbally abusive. I heard him saying exact same things his mom said, why are we together? This isn't normal... blah blah blah. Hard thing, is I committed to marriage. That's where you try to make things work and not give up. We spoke last night and tried to end things on a good note.
This morning... he gets up for work, says he'll only be gone for about an hour or so, that was around 8. He comes home at 1030am... I was in the shower and comment how he was gone longer than an hour and half. Already feeling like all he cares about himself btw... he says how he had some time to himself to think and went to the squeeze inn to get something to eat. I was hurt by this and asked how come he didn't think to ask me if I wanted something. He said how I didn't like the squeeze inn but if i wanted him to make something. I commented how there was nothing to eat here. "we have eggs." "no we only have one." Then he walks away. I'm still hurt about this, and see him laying in bed. I'm still having cramping and it's hard to stay calm. I call my mom and ask her advice and she says mb I can go in and say nicely what was up. He woke up as I was getting ready asking what i was doing. I tell him I'm going out to get something to eat. He asks if I was mad about something (obviously knew he did wrong bc I didn't let on anything in my voice), I said no just that I wish he woulda asked me about food. He immediately got pissed saying that I didn't even like that restaurant. I leave to get food and come back. He doesn't say a single thing to me and is doing a little laundry. About 15 minutes go by, I look out the window and he's gone. I call him asking why he didn't let me know why he was leaving and he raged at me on the phone saying he doesn't have to let me know when he's leaving to work especially since I didn't let him know I was leaving to go eat. LIE... and I called him out on it. He said it didn't matter anyway. "And you have the audacity to ask me to be considerate and get you food after the stunt you pulled yesterday???!!! I can go eat alone if I want and not let you know! And guess what? I'm going out tonight with my friends and you aren't coming! I am getting away from you!!!"
Heartbroken I respond that in marriage you don't just run off like that. I could have and almost did yesterday but i didn't because I try to work on things and make them better. He says how he needs time alone to think if this is what he even wants anymore. I let him know how he was being selfish and only thinking about himself and he yelled at me saying how he is always going to put himself first and will never put anyone else first again.
That pretty much sums it up.
I'm scared.
I'm alone.
I have no friends or family here.
I'm not even supposed to be moving around but I have to get out of here.
Crying for hours doesn't help.
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I'm so sorry. He has made his
I'm so sorry. He has made his decision though. Its time for you to move on. You can do this. Call what family and friends you can for long distance support. They can help you with ideas. Start looking at ads for apartments and jobs. You will get through this
I can't tell you what to do , but if it were me once I left I'd get paperwork drawn up for him to legally give up his rights. You don't want to be tied to this forever. I wouldn't want my kid with this man.
Well he pretty much made it
Well he pretty much made it clear he doesn't care where I go when he told me to get out of the house. I just don't know what I did so wrong to deserve this treatment? I don't know, mb it's because I'm not going to kiss his ass.
I'm so heartbroken and it's hard to be motivated.
I've called my mom and she's going to see about flying down here.
You can't reason it out. He
You can't reason it out. He is done. It may have nothing to do with you. ITS SO HARD! I know, but please start focusing on you and how you are going to get yourself out. He has too much power right now you have to get it back.
And you did nothing to deserve this!!!
This sounds so much like my
This sounds so much like my husband, it's scary. If my mother was still alive, I would have left him as well.
First, listen to the doctors and protect your baby. You have to take care of yourself. In my position, when DH has tried to kick me out, I never let him. Even if the house was in his name only, it was our marital residence, and he can't make me leave. So I told him that I will not leave until I have calmed down and rationally have looked for a place to live. We would inevitably "work things out" before I made any moves, but in your case, you can have your bedrest until you feel your pregnancy is no longer in jeopardy.
If you have the opportunity/ability to get away from your husband before your baby is born, go for it! Things have been so much worse for me since our son was born 2 months ago. Shortly after the baby was born, he screamed at me that our baby was the biggest mistake he's ever made. My father made an equally hurtful comment to me when I was young, and it took years of therapy to get over it. I cannot knowingly let my son hear that kind of statement from his father either. So my time with DH is limited.
My baby is the best thing that ever happened to me, so I have absolutely no regrets there, but my husband...well...selfish like yours. Your story about the food is very similar to something DH did a couple weeks ago. Except he left the kitchen a huge mess before leaving without a word to go buy himself food. And later that day he smashed the toilet and a remote control. I'm tired of cleaning up after his tantrums.
I'm so very sorry you're going through all this! Please take care of yourself! You deserve to have your own baby, and without the nonsense your husband gives you. If he can't treat you well, someone else will. I'm hoping I'll get that myself someday too.
Give your self time,calm
Give your self time,calm yourself,go for a long walk,and follow your heart..Best of Luck!!
I'm so happy your mom is
I'm so happy your mom is coming to help. I just think that the best thing for you is to not be around this man. He just sound so horribly mean and nasty.
Don't leave your home. It's
Don't leave your home. It's not his house...you are married it is both of your's. If he continues to be aggressive and abusive towards you call the cops on him. You are prego and on bed rest with no local friends or family. They will make him leave. Once he is gone get an RO. He wont be able to come back. File for divorce. You will have residence and he wont....you might even get the house. Continue to look for a job when you are able, continue to take care of yourself...listen to your mom...let her help you...call your friends...vent on here. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Please. I wish you strength and clarity moving forward!
Having just gone through a
Having just gone through a divorce with an abusive man, I say, leave the state and go home with your mom. You have no friends or support where you are now. Once the baby is born, whether he is there for you or not, your baby is a child of the marriage, and he has certain rights to the baby. If you move out of state before the baby is born, then have the baby in the state that your parents live in, then the baby is a resident of the state that YOU live in. Meaning, anything pertaining to custody and visitation goes through the courts in your state, not DH's state. Having to hire an attorney in another state, and take time off of work to attend out-of-state court hearings should put a damper on how much he interferes in your life through your child.
Trust me on this. I wish I'd done it with my abusive XH. It would have made life much easier for me and my kids. I'd also try to file for divorce before the baby was born if I could.
I like this. It is a huge
I like this. It is a huge difference when you are surrounded by supportive people too.
My thoughts exactly. And my
My thoughts exactly. And my dad has the perfect room for me. Plus my sisters are there and my mom visits (AZ) a lot.
So ya'll really think he's
So ya'll really think he's abusive? I know he wouldn't ever put hands on me. In heated moments, that people say very nasty things- myself included.
because he was worried, in addition to trying to get a hold of me.
My mom won't be able to come for the time being. My parents are divorced and my mom has the kiddos until my dad gets back into town.
DH left for the evening and things are mildly "smoothed over"... or perhaps I should say calm.
This is his claim...
"lets just forget gender. If your loved one, even your mom, put hands on you and shoved you and repeated slammed the door on your foot, REGARDLESS of what you said, how would you feel about that person? Would you trust them not to put hands on you again? Violence is violence and there's never an ok reason for it." He said he never in his mind thought I would get to that point and the fact that I did scares him because he "trusted" for us to never get to that level. That I could just as easily have left the room if I was that upset.
I brought up his spanking and how he had regretted his severity at times and found it to be a mistake... which he agreed with, and admittedly I said i could have left the room and dealt with it better but I found my situation to be similar to him spanking except that mine was provoked.
Obviously we both said some very severe and nasty things.
I'm never one to come up with excuses either. I try to be objective. So what I'm telling ya'll, I'm trying to be like an outside person looking in vs, this is my side of the story.
In addressing the ER incident, I told him how incredibly abandoned and alone I felt and he says if he was in a better situation he would have left that minute. But being broke with no money and a car that doesn't work left him with not much choice. He felt powerless that he couldn't leave and felt terrible he couldn't be there. But with a car that wouldn't make it very far (his work is MAYBE 10 minutes away, vs 45 min to the hospital) he was at a loss. Then not being able to get a hold of me made it that much worse. Apparently and according to clients, he left work early around 5pm (he had work until
Sooooooooooooooo this morning when he left, he still felt traumatized that a spouse would still put hands on him.
I am looking up counselors/therapist... hopefully they can get me on the right track.
Once again, no excuses for him or for me. I'm trying to give ya'll the whole picture... I'm glad the "storm" is over. There won't be anymore fighting except raw emotions. I can tell we're both washed out and exhausted. I'm still sad that I don't have any girlfriends here. As silly as it sounds, sometimes cuddling and watching movies with a best gal pal is one of the biggest pleasures in the world. Makes me miss my little sisters that much more. They are only 11, 13 and 15 but they make me laugh and are the greatest.
On another note, I am so glad I bought gingerale today. I almost didn't until I remembered how upset my stomach gets. Amazing how that stuff works. I went from pukey to mostly settled tummy!
He needs to stop the
He needs to stop the 'violent' bullshit. Tell him to prove it in court. It's your word against his. He needs to drop that, he's ONLY trying to make YOU out to be the bad guy, after HE was the asshole who told you he regretted getting you (his wife) pregnant vs not regretting getting his gf pregnant.
DON'T FALL FOR THAT.
He should have left the room like you asked him to! He should not have put his foot in the door! He should have called a damn CAB to be by your side at the hospital! For God's sake, do not fall for his guilt trip! What kind of pansy is he, crying that his pregnant wife who is supposed to be on bedrest-but instead is under severe emotional stress at the hands of her own husband-pushed him out of her room and slammed the door on his foot when he stuck his foot in there??
My heart is with you. I hope you are able to leave him. If you don't, you are going to have a lifetime of this. Getting out of state before the baby is born is excellent advice.
Honey, please, please, please
Honey, please, please, please listen to me.
For years, my abusive XH told me that it was my fault that he got in my face and yelled at me. He told me that if only I'd kept the house cleaner, if only I'd done his college work for him so he could get a degree, if only I'd write his political campaign speeches for him, if only I'd allowed him to painfully violate me sexually, then he would have been happy. It was my fault that he got violent, it was my fault that he did drugs, it was my fault that he cheated on me. Nevermind that when I did give in to his demands, it was never enough.
Should you have laid hands on your DH? Absolutely not. But you said that you were trying to get into another room away from him, and he was insisting on getting up in your face. You told him repeatedly to leave you alone, and he ignored you. Most courts would ask him that if he felt you were a threat, then why did he provoke you?
He is trying to make you feel guilty, so that you will lay off of him about being a prick and a shithead. It's called "blameshifting" and "gaslighting". If he gets you to believe that your behavior was worse than his, then he is the suffering martyr. And if he is a suffering spouse, then you will spend your time trying harder to make it up to him instead of holding him accountable for his shitty behavior.
Regardless of who did what to who, obviously this living situation is impossible for the two of you. You can't even go on your physician recommended bedrest, and you are risking the life of your unborn baby. He is upset that you got physical with him. You guys need to separate until you can both think clearly. Separation does NOT automatically mean divorce. It is a time-out so that you can both get your heads together and figure out if you can make your marriage work, and how to make it work.
Honey, go stay with your parents. Hell, I vote for staying with them until the baby is born. If after the baby is born, you decide to go back, then fine. But if you decide (and I think that you will) that your baby deserves to grow up in a calm, non-dysfunctional home, then it will be easier for you to be around supportive people, like your family.
Oh Lord Hun.. you are stuck
Oh Lord
Hun.. you are stuck in the typical cycle of abuse. You really, really, really need to go home to your mother!
Your mom and sisters will "lovingly" help you with your baby.
Please speak to a domestic violence counsellor and get your butt home to Mom!
This is coming from an abuse survivor!
I'm so sorry you're dealing
I'm so sorry you're dealing w/this foolishness. Your DH is an insensitive bully plain and simple. I too think you should leave and stay w/your mom or sister until after the baby is born. At that point you and DH can decide if your marriage is worth saving/fighting for. At this rate, your situation is much to stressful and uncertain and you're putting your baby at risk. Remove yourself from this negative petty enviroment before some one gets seriously hurt.
Instead of fighting/screaming/arguing, you should be relaxing and resting.
If DH is so ignorant and inconsiderate that he can't even offer to bring you food . .or one better . . .shop for groceries while you're on bedrest, it's only going to get worse. You and your baby deserve better.