Gosh he sounds like a typical fella. Maybe things are too raw to talk things through at the moment. Id let him stew for a few days and then give it to him straight. If he dont get it then how can he change it for the better of your relationship? Keep your chin up hun x

Yeah, but it's not small stuff to you. Even if it was, your DH needs to realize that all the "small" stuff adds up and turns into big stuff.

Usually "Smll stuff" all adds up in to "BIG THINGS". And generally speaking, small stuff is because of the big elephants in the room that we're blind too and not addressing.

*HUGS* to you. If he doesn't get what you're telling him, then it will never change. If you've tried the adult explanation, and you've tried the 4 year old explanation and he still doesn't get it...You might be at an impasse. I'm sorry for you.

it's the "small stuff" that makes up your daily life. the big things don't usually happen on a daily basis, the small things are real life. so yeah, it matters. i don't understand why so many people don't get that. also, when the same small things happen over and over again, they start to grow and they aren't so small anymore.

for some reason he is not understanding you. can you give him a word picture? make up a situation that would affect him the same way you are being affected? i have no idea what i would do. but there is a severe block in communication somewhere if he really cannot understand your reasons.

but even if he can't understand them he has to respect that you feel and think this way.

have you tried to say i want xyz? it may be worth it to write out what you want and then try to figure out a plan of action to get there. At least start a plan and then maybe you two together can figure it out together.

i know guys deal better with solving problems with action rather than wading through the murky water of emotion.

SO and I have been through similar huge blowouts. All the way to him looking for apts and us agreeing to end it. Over SD and his parenting!

He does know what you want, he doesn't want to change. These things aren't "small stuff". I am sorry you are going through this, but this is what happens when we finally come to our limit and have to put our foot down.

Sometimes men just can't see it, really. :O For me, what has helped is anytime I have had an issue with DH in regards to crazy, his family, anything...I sit down with him and literally explain to him how it would affect HIM...that usually helps.

For example when his daughter texted him and called him a loser and told him to F#$%$5 off that he was full of s#$%$%t and that he was a fc$%^%^ing loser for not giving her money for "school clothes", ie. she wasn't going to school...he didn't get why it would make my blood boil, although he was upset. So I changed it to:

What would YOU do if our son, even now at 10yrs old (vs 15) asked me if would buy him something at the store and when I said now he said to me "you are a fu#$%%ing loser, you bi#$%%ch?" His eyes opened wide and of course he said, "I would kick his a$$". I asked him why and he said "because there is no way I would ever allow some little shi345T to talk to you that way. Of course, I then said, "but you see, I can't call your daughter and wring her neck of slap the crap out of her and you can't understand why it makes my blood boil". He got it.

When his ex would call him and ask for favors, etc...and he went BEHIND my back to do them and then she would still call OUR home to cuss him out, etc...he also didn't get why it upset me so much. I again turned it around and said "wow, imagine if MY ex-husband called our house, while we were having a great day together as a family and told me off! What would you do?" He of course said, "I would kick his a$$!" And again I said, "funny, you can't do that to your ex, I can't do it to her either, but if my ex-husband treated me the way she treats you, caused havoc in our home, if I did favors for him behind your back you would kick his a$$?" He of course, got it.

So sometimes you really need to stop talking from the perspective of what is reallly happening and show him a different perspective. Heck, sometimes when I am angry at him for something and I see something written HERE I will tell him, "can you imagine? this lady's husband just did X" I think separating it from ME helps him and me helps him see things much more clearly. And then he realizes that if it is wrong in his eyes for someone else, that is not US to go through X, then obviously it is completely wrong for us too.

Good luck.

Your DH is demeaning your feelings and how you have been treated, because its not him on the receiving end of such shitty treatment. I would TELL him clearly "thats the problem. YOU think its "small" stuff. You dismiss everything your daughter does and you allow it because its not you shes doing it to. Its me. Make your mind up who your wife is because the way things are going I am losing interest in you, your daughter."

Right now your DH isnt taking this situation *that* seriously or he is just interested in investing his time and energy into making this *your* issue, he is denying everything and will continue to because he is in denial. Unless he SHOWS you he is willing to change (not just words but backs them up) then you will continue banging your head up against a brick wall and imo you appear to be at a crossroads whether you will accept this as your future.

Personally I would cut off contact for a few days, to get some space to think about what you want. If you want to make a go of it, I would perhaps consider living apart and getting couples counselling - reason for this is 1) your DH will have motivation to make an effort because he misses you 2) you wont have to endure his dd 3) couples counselling because ultimately your DH is KEY. If sd has issues thats up to her dad to address this, however when these problems impact on you and your marriage THEN your DH needs to address it healthily.

The reason for cutting off contact is also to make DH sweat. Its not game playing but right now all he is interested in is sweeping everything under the carpet, for you to say its you causing these problems and to carry on as it is because as mentioned he isnt on the receiving end of poor partnership and crappy skids.

I always think you treat others as you wish to be treated. When DH has pulled similar crap on me, I have been known to respond with a good ole dose of his own medicine. Then when hes commented/got upset I calmly point out that apparently these are the house rules he plays by, well the same rules apply to me. Dont like it? Dont DO it to me then. I also have used DH's own words and used them against him e.g. in your case I would clearly point out that its not nice having your birthday ruined, something you are used to, so get over it...

Hugs, its hard I know and heartbreaking when you quite clearly can see whats going on and your partner refuses to make those healthy adjustments in order to ensure you and your home is happy and healthy!

I feel your pain. If my DH didn't finally open his eyes to SD15 I would be in the exact same position you are in right now!! He needs to put you first. How frustrating that he does not see it for himself!!

He is thinking with his ManBrain and cannot comprehend how you feel.

See, YOU said 'We can go out for dinner or I can make dinner you. I don't care either way.'
HE heard "I am not that fussed about our plans." So when his daughter chimes up with a solid plan he jumps at it. Now I am not saying you are wrong or he is right. But men think in terms of 'situation... lets fix it.' His solution was "Mum makes me my dinner. Done deal. DW doesn't have to worry about it."

I think you need to write it out. All the things his daughter does that interfere in your relationship...
1) When we are speaking she answers for me or for you. I am an adult. I can speak for myself. I am married to you not her.
2) Arranges meals without discussing what WE both want. I am open to suggestions but telling me what the plans are is rude. I am married to you not her. I know she means well but her role as the decisionmaker needs to stop. I am open to suggestions but not set-in-stone plans she has cooked up on our behalf.

What do you think? Also find the girl a hobby. Geo-caching? Something that will get her out of the house. it sounds like she has the making of a great community organiser. She could be a future President!

Daisy,
I would hold out for the break - he says he doesn't know what you want and everytime you try to explain there is a blowout. Maybe a few days without confrontation to get your thoughts together. Can you ask him to stay with his mom for a few days so that you can get your head together?

You can write things down, make lists, whatever works for you in that time to straighten out and lay out exactly what you do want. Then you will be able to set forth to him the core problems you want addressed.

SD is thrilled? Did he tell you that?

I think going into this meeting tonight, you need to write out your feelings and needs. You can spell it out directly without him interfering with his comments/rebuttals. I would actually write out your feelings and email to him earlier so he has time to think about it. Don't just say how you feel, say concrete things that need to happen to fix it. Men work better in concrete answers, instead of trying to figure out your needs based on your feelings.

When you are composing your thoughts, please consider referring to the vows you made when you were married.

Most wedding vows include the phrase forsaking all others- and that means your spouse above all other people.

This is not "small stuff".... this is a vow to one another and to GOD. This is about the priority you have in his life, and about honoring and protecting your relationship.

In all this, take care of you! You can't handle all this stress if you aren't nurturing your spirit!