My BS's have decided about Sat....
My boys have decided after a long conversation together they want SD16 at the grad party sat.....
I came home from work and during dinner discussed whether SD should come to the party or not. BS14 (which party is for) said "it would be OK if she came mom, we havent seen her in awhile and i think she misses us". BS21 said "she does miss us alot and regrest acting like a bitch"....My response to both were how do know this?
BS21 tells me they have been talking lately. SD has been calling him and telling him she misses us and is sorry for acting like such a child. BS21 told me she sounds like she learned her lesson and told him she knows its going to take awhile since she really hurt me to the point I had to make them leave. She told him she realizes now how good she had it at my house and hopes one day it will go back to normal. BS14 said "yahhh mom she texts me now alot on how my day is and congrats on graduating, and hopes this summer we can hang, its weird mom".... :jawdrop: I asked them when were they going to tell me they have been talking to her....BS21 said when we thought she was telling us the truth and not blowing smoke up our ass.....I think she really regrests it...I told her it will take awhile but maybe she can hang somedays while i'm still home.....Would that be OK mom?
I didnt really know what to say...I said we will see....But they both want her at the party and told her they would talk to me but she would not be able to sleep over and BS21 would take her back to grandmas after the party, no sleep overs....She told him that would be fine....
I talked to DH and he didnt even know they were all talking....She never told him....and by his response i know he is telling the truth because he was as shocked as I was....Not sure how I feel about all this....anyone????
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I feel like she is using your
I feel like she is using your kids. Her history shows she is manipulative and willing to put on a show to get her way. She recognizes that you're done with her games and she has changed her methods. See how the party goes. If she turns it into a circus hanging all over your dh and making things about her and her drama, you'll have your answer. I wouldn't make any long term changes based on conversations she is having with your kids though.
I don't think she misses you or your kids. I think she misses your HOUSE. I think she misses not living with MIL. I think she misses not being front and center when dh comes to visit you. I think she misses the drama she creates.
I feel the same way ^^ about
I feel the same way
about what she is going. Like I said below, it hasn't been nearly long enough for someone to make a REAL change.
well, i'm not sure how
well, i'm not sure how "objective" i can be on this because i am a calloused person when it comes to someone treating me like shit.
All I am gonna say is that KIDS ARE SMART! Especially kids who have been taught to manipulate.
I personally would not be upset with my bio's for talking to her. if they want to talk to her fine. but i would tell them that they are not to talk about me and dh, or talk about what goes on in THIS household. I would also tell them that if they want to believe her that is fine. My desire is to also believe her one day, but it may take more time for me than it does for everyone else.
I would still be very picky about the times, and events that she can be around. I would take into consideration my bio's choice of wanting sd there but the final decision would rest with me. And i would ONLY talk to them and ask them, if I do decide that i am ok with her being there at said time.
BABY STEPS. in everything!
I think sometimes we want the end picture soo badly that we forget what got us in this situation in the first place.
Just be careful.
I feel like she is
I feel like she is manipulating your boys to get what she wants - which is to be hanging all over her dad whens he's supposed to be spending time with you.
I don't know about this one. It just seems like since your husband shut down all her texting and calling when he isn't with her, she is smart in finding another way to make herself "in his face" instead of being apart from him and she knows she has to get back in your house during his weekeneds in order to do that. But I always expect the worst after they've shown a continued track record.
I DO think you have to stat somewhere, I just also think it's only been 2 weeks right? That's not near enough time to see that kind of a change in someones personality.
If your BS 14 wants her there
If your BS 14 wants her there then she should come. If she pulls her crap at the party then everyone will know she is full of shit.
I agree she may be using your
I agree she may be using your sons to wheedle into your life again. But it sounds like your sons are doing a good job of putting up some boundaries too (saying she can come but SS21 will take her home and she won't stay).
I'm not at all in favor of dragging the kids into this drama, but think about it... it's been THEIR drama too. They've seen how she is, they've already been exposed to the stuff, and they've seen what it's done to you and your DH. Maybe... just maybe... she needs to know that EVERYONE has boundaries, not just you and your DH. Maybe she needs to hear that her behaviors are freaking irritating to your sons and will NOT be tolerated by them either.
Just my thoughts.
I agree. I think she is
I agree. I think she is manipulating them, but as long as Daisy is aware, I don't think it needs to be addressed. I think if she starts calling / texting an unreasonable amount, Daisy's kids will tell her to stop. They've seen her ridiculousness. Personally, I think that will happen. I think she can't contain her crazy for very long and BSs will realize that she has not changed and is using them.
All of that said, this party is to celebrate BS and if he wants her there, then she should be included. Part of making boundaries is allowing your children to make decisions and respecting their "yes" or "no". Daisy asked and he answered and I think she should say "BSs I've decided that SD can come on Saturday because I trust your judgement and your decision. That said, I am not ready to trust SD has made enough changes and she will have to leave right after the party. Also, I am asking you both to restrict use your best judgement in your communications with SD and avoid discussing this situation. It is not an issue that the two of you need to be in the middle of. Also, if her communications with you become voluminous or show signs of her invading your space, please let me know".
Daisy wants to work things out with her dh and they have a long road ahead of them, but part of that recovery includes him proving to her that he can handle SD in different situations (not just turning off his phone). He can't avoid her in person. He needs to find a way to deal with her in those situations too and in order to do that, he needs opportunity. So think of this as an opportunity to see progress or lack of progress. Lay out the ground rules to him in advance. This is a party for BS. You will not tolerate any drama / crying / anxiety / running in the house looking for attention. You expect her to mingle. More importantly, you expect HIM to mingle with you and not with her. You do not expect her to interrupt his conversations with you or any other adult at the party and you do not expect her to be glued to his side.
I agree...BS's want her there
I agree...BS's want her there so I will allow it...One wrong move and out she goes!!!! In front of everyone...i will not take any shit in MY HOME!!!!!!! lets see what happens. i will tell you all Monday how it went...Fingers crossed.
I can say however this will be a baby step...She is not comming back in my home...I have pretty much decided that already...i have no drama, no stress, no yuck feeling :sick: and plan on that to continue...
Have a great party, please
Have a great party, please let us know how things go.
My youngest son can be a
My youngest son can be a sucker....but my BS21, not at all....he seems to think she is being sincere....We shall see!!!!
I think that this shouldn't
I think that this shouldn't have been a choice left up to your sons. Yes, it's your son's graduation party. However, the situation is what is because of your SD. You & your DH have set up a routine with the help of a counselor & rules were put in place that apply to the both of you & your SD.
The whole reason for your separation was to make space so that you & your DH could re-establish things in your marriage, & to focus on the relationship between the two of you. A huge part of this was also to give SD an opportunity to make changes in her behavior.
She has not had enough separation to make the necessary changes. She chose to be a brat. Her dad chose to enable it. Every choice leads to consequence, & missing out on the graduation party would be a consequence to the choices she made.
Wasn't part of this arrangement to be that SD is not discussed between you & your DH? Why would this even come up?
She went to the graduation itself. That's sufficient.
She needs to miss the boys. She needs to miss you. She needs to miss your house & everything else she took for granted & placed herself above. She HAS to feel that in order to learn to appreciate it when it's there. If you agree to have her attend everything she wants to attend, this separation is pointless.
There will always be activities that excuses can be made for, but every time you make an excuse you undermine the purpose.
I think the decision was
I think the decision was yours...but it nice to see these young men being tolerant of her crazy ass.
Not so sure I believe that DH had no idea SD was calling the boys...
He hates his mom's house...anything goes!