Tuesday my SO found out his SD14 who has spina bifida is in the hospital for complications related to disease. He tends to have a hard time coping with things. I've been walking on eggshells to keep him calm and trying to be supportive anyway I can. SD14 is located about 2000 miles away from us. Well last night SO decided to get completely wasted, blacked out. I was actually smart enough this time to just keep my mouth shut and never said a word for this 3 hour long rant and rave and blame me for everything. I got called all type of names and everything else. He can get...intense...when he is under stress and drunk. The things he says and does are terrible and mean. But when sober he is such a gentlemen. Anyway, he is leaving tomorrow to visit his daughter in the hospital. He will be staying with the BM. I am concerned with this because he is so emotional right now and I know how he feels about her. Long story short, BM couldn't take it anymore and left him. The circumstances that broke them apart do not exist anymore. Therefore, what would stop them from being together? I have some concern he may not come back. During his drunken rage last night he said he has nothing here for him except me. He said if he went there, no more child support, he gets to be with at least two of his kids, and he gets out of the midwest. I can't talk to him about any of this because if I do, he will snap on me for worrying about something like that when his daughter is in the hospital. I have never met SD14 or talked to her or even seen a picture of her. I have empathy for him but I can't possibly imagine what he is going through. I do not have any of my own kids. Just, skids...7 of them, only met 2.
Why do I put up with the blackout anger outbursts? I know when they are coming and just wait for it to happen and pray for God to give me patience to just keep my mouth shut so things don't escalate from verbal abuse. I am so stressed out, sad, angry all at once I can't think straight. I can't get my mind to stop stressing long enough to do anything. The only time I feel any moment of peace is that second I wake up. Then I realize I have to start the day again and deal with all of this. I feel like I made a mistake buying a house at 25 cause it's so much responsibility for one person to handle. I am 27 now and last year I had SO move in with me to help with bills. He is leaving tomorrow for who knows how long if not forever and I have a stack of bills I can't pay without him. Does that make me a terrible person for thinking about that stuff too? The more I try to be there for SO over SD14's illness, the more he pushes me away. Likes i said, when it's good, it's so good with us and I will miss those moments. I want to miss him and say friendly goodbyes, see you soon...that type of thing. But how can I feel anything good when 12 hours ago I was told to F off and die slow by this same man? Coming from the same person who also said last night how much he loves me. My heart hurts. And I feel bad that I'm hurt cause I shouldn't have to put up with this. I know I deserve his better half all the time and not the drunken black out rage half part of the time. But I also deserve to eat every day too and without him, I'll be lucky to eat a package of raman noodles a day. I don't even really know what I'm asking, there is just so much inside me that is tearing me apart and I don't know where else to let it out at.