Am I the only one who dug for info or said things they shouldn't of
I know this is AWFUL, its dirty and I am awful for doing it. But am I the only one who has?
For example SD13 mentioned they are moving then she dropped it like oops she was not suppose to say anything about it (BM was told to stop moving by the court because she has moved over 10 times since SD was 5).
Any ways I asked well were are you moving and a few more of quesitons, (will you have your own room, are you excited, and who all is moving with you) SD I guess felt like she had to answer. Most of the time she tells me well she wont have a room just yet, she does not want to move, and most of the time its BM her husband and a family friend moving with them.
One time she told me BM had a plan to move out of state (like 12 hours away). DH asked BM she was mad at SD for weeks over that. DH filed with his lawyer a refusal for her to move out of state since it was not for a job or anything. It was just becuase BM wanted a new life. BM didn't ever move out of state.
But is there ever a time that is ok to pry?
Here is a big one that I have been thinking about FOREVER but I keep my mouth shut becuase I do not know how to deal with this.
When SD was 4 BM called us to come get SD. When we get there BM is in tears and the cops are there. A guy that was staying with BM had been accused of having sex with two girls who were 11 and 13 at the time (he was 28 at the time). BM later made a report to the cops that the same guy forced BM to do things to him. Well some how all the charges ended up being dropped. BM said that she was upset and it was not fair he was an awful man. I know he had relations with the girls, the 11 year old ended up prego by him a year after the day we went to get SD. So she was only 12 maybe about to turn 13 prego by a 30 year old man.
Well now BM hangs out with this guy all the time, she has SD around him. SD love this guy thinks he is so cool. She is always saying storys about how when they stay the night over there all the funny stuff he does, and just how awesome he is. One day me and SD were out shopping and this guy walks up and hugs SD, I went off told him to get away from her, and never talk to her again! She was pissed at me and I can't really say hey this is what happened becuase SD does not need to know or does she IDK.
DH has talked to BM about it she says it was a long time ago things have changed, and since he was never convicted nothing can really happen with social serivces. And SD thinks we are just buttholes for not liking him but we have our reason, and I so want to warn her but then is she to young for that. IDK this one is a hard one to. When is it ok to share almost grown up info with a teen and when is it not?
I feel like now is the time
I feel like now is the time to share that with her. She doesn't understand that this could be a serious situation. And really, BM has her sleeping over at this guys house?? If the intent is to protect her and make her aware of the unhealthy situation she is in, she should be told. I would do everything I could to keep her away from this guy, even if it meant CPS or going to court.
I think BM was letting the
I think BM was letting the girls drink and party at her house. Some things happened and BM didn't want to go to jail to so she said this guy did something to her acted the vicitim.(its BM's blood realtive) I think the girls (even though young) agreed to what ever happened. then their moms figured out and pressed charges.
We have went to court and CPS over it both said since he was never convicted nothing could be done. That it was false acuations or he was not guilty of anything.
DH has talked about telling SD but then he said that BM will make our lifes hell, but I honestly don't know if SD would care. Her family is pretty trashy on her moms side.
Yeah I get that...our BM
Yeah I get that...our BM might as well be living in a trailer with a car up on blocks outside.
I still think you and your DH should tell her. You can sit her down and talk about wanting to keep her safe, and then talk about being aware of her surroundings, that guys do not always have the best intentions....phrase it that you are worried about her and want her to make sure she is aware of what the people in her life have done, so she can protect herself, and that she should keep an eye out for odd behavior, just in case. And then teach her that a palm shoved into a nose hard and fast really hurts, as does a knee in a groin.
SD is 13. I would absolutely
SD is 13. I would absolutely say something to her about the rape. she's old enough to understand. I would also go over what she needs to do to protect herself.
I'm sure there is an authority you can call
Like the police, CPS or something.
The 13yo being pregnant is a FACT not your oppinion. Protecting SD from this pedaphile is not you being an asshole! I would risk it...in fact DH should have awhile ago!
BM making life hell for H or
BM making life hell for H or not SD should still know. Try to approach this in a firm tone so she knows how serious it is but also where she feels she can open up to you. What SD does with that information is pretty much out of your control but at least you know you told her and hope moving forward that she is careful when he's around.
Its sad that her mother is such a low life, to even have this type of man in her life is setting the tone for what SD may look for in a man when she's older.
She is 13
Here is the problem - she is 13, has been raised half the time in a sexually permissive household, and there is a "cool older guy" who she like that hugs her and we know he likes young girls. That is not a prediliction that changes over time. If he liked them young 10 years ago, he still likes them young. You still like men, right? Same thing. People like what they like.
Telling your SD about this specific guy runs the risk of puting ideas into her head. Not of "this guy is a creep" but "this guy might like me like that - I am grownup and special and he could be my first!" Maybe not today or tomorrow but down the line when he gives her a hug just a little too long or he starts getting flirty. Yeah, it is not healthy but we all knew girls who thought that way and acted on it to become willing victims of predatory men. And apparently that behavior was not discouraged by BM previously when he supposedly had "consensual"' sex with girls far too young to legally consent. That this is her own daughter is not something I would trust to kick in protective instincts and keep the SD from doing something stupid.
Why not have conversations about how older men IN GENERAL will prey on young girls and how the girls who allow themselves to be flattered and convinced that it makes them grownup are incredibly foolish and it inevitably comes to a bad end. Tell her that they will say "you are so mature and beautiful for your age", "I can't believe how well you understand me" and "this has to be our secret- isn't that so romantic?" Hopefully when she hears that repeated back to her it will ring alarm bells in her head rather than make her feel special. Build her self-esteem with activities and friends and boys her own age so that she is not susceptible.
Fingers crossed that he messes up and gets caught doing something not directly harmgful - like underage porn or something - and CPS/law enforcement can take him out. That BM allows him around an impressionable teen is a potential ticking time bomb. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Based on her age, your DH
Based on her age, your DH should have already talked to SD about the dangers of sexual assault, what to do about it, to come to him if it happens, earn her trust, educate her, tell her that sexual assault on minors often comes from someone you know and know well, talk to her about grooming, etc... I believe parents should have these talks with their children very early on and repeat these talks.