DH Avoiding / Delaying
So DH would rather mope & be rude to me than keep his word & tell SS18 he has to move out. Today I got angry driving home from work thinking about it... DH's flip-flop last weekend, inability to tell SS to wash his own car & practice driving with that car (not our SUV), his refusal to hold SS to any level of respect about being an adult and contributing toward this household. So I really don't know what to expect. I'm mad that I hear about the new sports car "we're" getting, the next vacation we're taking, and the house we want to own, and even how DH's boss doesn't make the other employees do quality work... but little SS18 gets to have zero responsibilities around the house beyond tsking out the trash. He comes & goes whenev, no telling if he'll show up all night. Apparently they had a driving practice then went to the DMV to get the application for a drivers license... but who knows the outcome. All I know is that it's pathetic SS refuses to do this stuff himself and has DH jump in to do it for him. DH cannot see how that makes it hard for me to respect him... who grovels to get an 18 year old to do something they still won't do and then literally takes him there to wait in line & do it for him. I know I'm supposed to be detached but damn, Fall 2018 semester begins Monday and DH still hasn't even informed SS he needs to start packing (I cannot wait to clean that smelly room and make it nice). So I'm starting to resent this waiting game, and DH being bummed about it but still not taking action.
I'm sure SS will try to negotiate, guilt-trip, and anger DH - and I am sick of waiting for it to go down. I reported this weekend on how DH flipped positions and was telling me "I want to help my son." and trying to convince me we need to let SS continue living here. No! No, we don't. It's called enabling and I am SICK of it. So then DH flipped back and said he would keep his word.
Last night, this morning, and again tonight when I got home DH was acting a bit off, and I began to wonder if he was hiding something or waiting to tell me something. I suspect SS will try to get DH to commit to something I won't agree to, and have preempted that "Family Talk" by telling DH I am willing to listen to SS if he has something to tell me, but I am not changing or negotiating or lowering my standards for SS any more. So anyway, I stupidly got attitude with DH so now he's in a self-righteous not-talking-to-me mode. I left to get dinner but the place is closed for a remodel and I realized I feel too stressed about DH trying to re-triangulate by having me be the upset badguy. So I just went to our room & shut the door. Might even go to sleep; been working overtime this week and am exhausted. Just sick of the waiting game, and DH making it drag out becsuse the Guilty Daddee is still strong enough that DH wants his wife to just look the other way as SS continues living here & freeloading. No way, not for me.
So I'm angry, sad, nervous, tired, hungry... not a good time to talk to DH. So I'm venting here. Thanks for listening, feels better getting all this out.
- StepUltimate's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Update, DH went off on me
Says I should divorce, tells me F*ck you, we're just roommates, etc. Blamed me, said I was inflexible, that I'll never trust him anyway, bla bla bla. I told DH I am tired of him being stressed out & rude to me becsuse he's too scared to keep his word and kick SS out; he didn't like that and swore in my face so I told him to stop being abusive to me, that he's apologized for the same thing before but is doing it again, justifying himself becsuse he'd rather be angry at me than at SS18. He'd rather blame me than himself for SS not handling biz and just partying instead.
Just now DH grabbed the keys to storm out and I went to the front door and asked him to come back in. Told him I love him and don't want him driving off upset & tired in a vehicle that's in my name. He said it was in his name too and I was like, Maybe in your mind but not on the title. He also announced about SS18, "He'll be gone by the end of the weekend." Unsure if that neans DH already talked to SS or if he's just so mad at me now that he intends to.
So apparently either way, SS will be gone next week. Unclear if DH is gonna try apologizing and staying married or if this tantrum was the real end for him. Either way, I love him but know I am not cut out to live with my SS snymore. I seriously regret getting into this conflict with DH; I'd been gritting my teeth and trying to maintain silence in spite of SS just using this place like a crash pad. DH is all upset accusing me of "... sending him (SS18) back to HER (BM)." I rejected the accusation - I'm not forcing SS to return to that vomit (she doesn't even want him). Nope. I didn't force him to lie and flake on driving and college. I'm also not absorbing the consequences by continuing to support SS18. If it's too hard to respect me and this house, he needs to go elsewhere.
Sick in my heart and stomach,
It will get better
Once SS is out of the house. May take a few days, but the pressure will be gone. I guest it’s now a power play between you and SS. Have to tell DH it’s either SS or you who going to leave
He's said tha5 before...
... and even told SS he's "making me chose between my son and my wife" thereby announcing he's unwilling to see it as a parenting issue.
I also recently repeated
... to DH that if he needs more time to "help his son" I can rent a room and they can live together until DH csn get SS to launch. He was stilll making noise about wanting to be married and putting me first at that point.
I'm really sorry you're
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this, and this gruesome twosome-it is a victory of sorts for you, so well done that there is going to be some resolution and I really hope it can be sustained once SS has gone...
Thank you
I am praying for my husband. He was so traumatized by BM and she f*cked up SS by cheating on & divorcing DH when SS was 3. I do not want to be blamed for SS nor "required" to host him from this rental, which I invited DH to move into and helped him prep for custody and child support cases that he won. None of that justifies abusing me. DH yelled, "You knew what you were getting into. You knew SS is a troubled child" and I laughed that he pulled out that old standard, but said SS is an adult who is being allowed to live as a 13 year old full-time stoner, NOT an adult. DH mocked me numerous times, including my desire to be respected in our home... so he mocked me wanting to be treated respectfully. He said stuff just to hurt me, and compared what I'm doing to What if I kicked your cat outside and wouldn't let him in to eat, drink, cuddle... I pointed out we are not trying to teach the cat to be a self-sufficient adult human. No comparison DH, you're just trying to hurt me.
I need to try to go to sleep, then I'm going to work & gonna stay late. Do not want to come home to Raging DH.
WHY do you want to stay
WHY do you want to stay married to a man who curses at you, accuses you, threatens to divorce you? You know, emotionally ABUSES you?
Sweetie, I'm not saying get divorced, but I am saying get out. Sign a short-term lease somewhere and file legal separation papers. You'll learn very quickly whether DH wants YOU, the IDEA of you, or YOUR ASSETS. Right now, he's behaving as close to a good husband as I am a unicorn.
He won't change because he is getting everything he wants, and the only "challenge" is occasionally beating you down to make himself feel better. Been there, done that. Pack your bags, live elsewhere, and see how he behaves once his verbal punching bag isn't there.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you have SO MUCH MORE to offer than this d-nozzle deserves.
Thank you
I think you are right. I have to create a new checking account today. Both my dogs passed away in the last 1.5 years so it would be me & my cats. I do not want to be abused and treated like DH treated me last night and other times. DH mocked me when I told him to stop swearing and yelling at me.
How much time
How much time do you have left on your joint lease? It sounds like your cars are in separate names already. A separate checing account can get your paycheck direct deposit setup. If your DH can't afford to carry the entire rent payment and expenses for his son then he should have thought of that before freaking on you. A few days in a hotel while you look for a place will tell you wheere his head is. Just grab clothes for the week, toiletries, and anything sentimental that you can not live without in case he gets temporarily vindictive or his son feels triumphant and wants to celebrate driving you out. If he actually comes to his senses in a week or so, great. If not, you should have found a place by then.
Hmmmm.... with the way he's
Hmmmm.... with the way he's acting, I don't know that I'd want to stay in a hotel. His verbal abuse may take a turn and he could have a mantrum and destroy OP's things out of spite. He sounds like the type. I'd let the butthead sleep on the couch (or I'd sleep there) and go ahead with plans to leave.
StepUltimate. Hon... Stay strong. You KNOW it's not okay for your H to treat you this way. If, at any time, you don't feel safe, PLEASE CALL SOMEONE. xoxo
Thank you so much
I know you are right. This hurts.
Of course it does. {{{hugs}}}
Of course it does. {{{hugs}}}
Leaving for work, thought DH
Leaving for work, thought DH was on the couch but he & the SUV are gone. I was going to snesk past him but went back inside to confirm he wasn't there. Update: he returned as I was leaving, wouldn't speak to me. I yelled Hey! Wife or Roommate? And he goes, Whatever. So he's still angry at me.
Pretty sure he slept on the couch & took the dog to the park while I was showering.
Don't try to talk to him
Don't try to talk to him while he's having his mantrum. Do your own thing and let him cool off.
However, I believe you need to sit down and figure out exactly what YOU are getting out of this marriage. You're a roomie? A bankroll?? Unless you married FOR these reasons, they're not ingredients for a healthy marriage.
He made it really clear that
He made it really clear that the marriage is over for him. Even if he said those things in anger, he still said them. If it were me, I'd take it seriously and begin moving in that direction. Talk with a lawyer or two or three so you understand your options, separate money if you need to, cancel joint credit cards, begin to look for a place to live.
If he truly regrets what he said and wants the marriage to work, he would have to fight to win me back and show me through consistent, loving action that he wants me to say. Not just a teary one-time apology with flowers in hand. SERIOUS behavioral changes.
You are right.
Thank you, much appreciation. I want this to work out (LOVE both of them and it cuts me to the heart when DH accuses me of not loving or caring about SS). So I need to continue to hope for the best while I prepare for the worst.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters here about taking DH’s talk of divorce seriously, if nothing else prepping for it is not only smart but it may very well call his bluff.
As for his verbal abuse and I do agree in this instance that it is abuse, you shouldn’t stand for it. If I ever yelled the way he yelled at you my DW would punch my lights out.
As for SS, I am dealing with the same situation SD20 is a parasite in my life but unlike you and your DH , DW and I never discussed a launch date for SD20 and with the issues surrounding SD26 DW is a little raw and sensitive so I have to step back and give her some space to see that SD20 needs to launch, we are actually getting closer. Like I have said before, I give them enough rope and they eventually hang themselves.
I always liked you StepUltimate and hate to know the pain you are going through, plus I still have a crush on Judy Jetson from my youth so there’s that (((( Hugs))))))))
Judy's outfit still rocks, too!
Thank you Major B. I will get thru this, with a little (okay a TON) of encouragement from my ST peeps. There is a lot of love in our family, just too much inside BM's path of destruction, which is littered with the wounded souls that narcissist has left in her wake.
Correct, and I am angry, too
More hurt than angry, but angry too. This was preventable but yes, it would have taken a massive effort in DH's part and it's too late now, because skid is 18 and thinks he's independent. I know what you wrote is true in my heart, that DH is afraid to "lose" SS even though it would really he earning SS's respect by staying true to OUR word about living at home sfter high school.
It makes you wonder if he
It makes you wonder if he even wants his son to grow up...or if he wants him to continue to be his "little boy". Some of the things he says can have double meanings. "I just want to help my son," and, "I'm losing my son". It's like he's afraid of his son growing up and not needing him as much.
Not only is this detrimental to the son that he loves so much, it's detrimental to your marriage, and I find it strange that he is taking such a stand. I find it strange that, knowing that his son could have continued to live there if he met certain expectations, he did not ensure that those expectations were met. I mean, driver's license and enroll in school, how tough is that? He couldn't find it in himself to force those issues, which would have benefitted his son, but he's fine fighting this fight, which is tearing his marriage apart.
I don't get it.
When DH is verbally abusive
When DH is verbally abusive to me he lets me slap him. I enjoy slapping him in those moments.
You do realize how unhealthy
You do realize how unhealthy of a dynamic that is, right?
You said that BM divorced him
You said that BM divorced him when SS was 3, he's now 18. DH has had 15 f'n years to get over the trauma of being married to BM. He wasted his time. I gonna bet he manipulated you into being codependent with him, thereby enabling him to remain stuck in an unhealthy mindset due to not dealing with his previous marriage.
You have now "changed the rules" of the relationship on him and he isn't able to get you to back down and he is pissed, confused, and everything else.
Don't talk to him, take care of only yourself and cats. His bad, out of control behavior does not require any energy given to it by you. If he has any idea from you that you still want him, he might interpet that as you evenutally caving to his demands. That will drag out this mantrum. The sooner he accepts your new attitude the better. You drew your line in the sand so as hard as your heart is breaking, stand by it.
Thank you. Getting cold, silent
I was gone all day and had a great time at three different wineries with my friends. Got home & DH was walking in the driveway, about to go to the store. I hugged him and told him I love him, but he had no words for me. I told him I wanted to go with, and he said Okay, but no words the whole time, and when I put my hand on his leg he wouldn't even hold my hand, like we do. Just now he told me, "There's food on the table if you want to eat." I'm not hungry but I went and sat by him, no place setting for me. I said, "I'm not hungry but I love you and want to sit by you." He started to eat and I asked, "Can we pray?" He said, "If you want" and clasped his hands under his chin. Normally we hold hands and pray. So I asked, "Can I hold your hand?" and he let me. I thanked God for my husband and prayed for him. DH looked shaken for a moment, like he might cry, but dropped my hand & started eating. I said, "That's all I wanted," and came back to the bedroom.
I've never seen DH like this. He's never been cold to me or acted like he didn't want to touch me. He's never not apologized, never avoided me or avoided eye contact before. So I am sad for DH and also sad that I cannot comfort him because he considers me the problem.
Sadly
it seems he has chosen his son as his spouse and not you. You are now the ex in his eyes. Let him live with the consequences.
I know in my case that despite what Chef says, if his kids wanted to make amends, I would be jettisoned as that most certainly would be one of their caveats.
I would back off and not pursue him. Think seriously about an exit plan. You are lucky in that you are renting. During the worst years shortly after the pecarries PASed out and Chef began to blame me, Chef refused to leave my home (supposed sweat equity) and became very threatening as he had nowhere to go otherwise.
Much easier to go your separate ways when renting!
That's partly why I'm renting
Thank you ThinkThrice.
After I discovered StepTalk and read variations of what I could expect in the future, I decided there is No. Way. I would consider buying real estate with DH until after SS was out the nest. I could see the writing on the wall because SS is so lazy and determined to do as little work as possible. I saw this theme so strongly woven through all aspects of SS's life: his personal hygiene, his room, schoolwork (heck, just showing up to class!), and exercise, plus most of his friends are lazy, gossipy, social media-addicted stoners (although he has one friend we used to appreciate because he'd get SS to go swimming or hike down to a fishing spot in the summers they hung out). I knew if we moved with SS to the home DH and I envision, I'd be stuck with him and DH could refuse to kick him out and I'd be stuck there.
Eff that! I grew up with an alcoholic rager so I learned early-on to know where the exits are at all times, and liked driving because I could leave the scene if I needed to without having to depend on anyone else. In elementary school my grades sucked because I was constantly staring out the window thinking about how if I had a pony, my pony could meet me out by that tree and get me out of there. Even today, at conferences & in large meetings, i try to be somewhere near the exits.
It is extremely important to me to be financially stable and independent. When DH and I got together, he was in dire straights due to the economic downturn - so I helped him. Now, he makes just about the same as I do. But once I found StepTalk and started reading about the frequent Failure to Launch skid commonalities, it became clear that was a very real probability with SS, given SS's inclinations from the training his BM delivered - combined with DH's Guilty Daddee syndrome. Plus, I've been a homeowner before and DH hasn't, PLUS he wants an expensive sports car. All this to say, I knew that we needed to continue renting until skid launched.
Probably should've started a new blog but need to get this all out of my head - so I don't go open the bottle of wine I brought home today. It was so hard coming home from a beautiful day of fun at some Amador County wineries (I drove, so only did a tiny bit of wine-tasting, mainly drank water to stay hydrated). I also got a job offer from the former CFO of my firm today, too - need the details but it sounds very intriguing and it's exciting to consider! But then, I dropped off the friend who came with me to the wineries to meet up with our other 4 friends, and came home. And DH was the same cold zombie-guy, and my heart broke for him to be doing this to himself, me, and SS. After I took a silent trip to the store with DH, he laid down to rest as he's working nights this week, but then tried agsin to hurt my feelings and told me I was forcing him to send SS to BM's, and that SS living there would undo the six years of progress SS has made, which would be a WIN for BM. I replied I am not forcing DH to send SS to BM, and I am not in competition with BM. DH goes, "Well I am, and spending time living with BM will ruin SS!" He escslated to the point he was talking split-up talk, wanting to get one of the cars in his name (I had better credit than DH when purchased, so loans were in my name only & we've been snowballing to have'em paid off in a year).
Instead of arguing or pointing out the flawed logic, I went outside to throw the ball for the dog. The 5 year old next door started talking to me (so cute, a sweet little girl I like talking to) and she wanted to ask her mom if she could come over, so I told her maybe tomorrow because I had to go inside and go to sleep. I go in, and DH had left, and left his phone on the nightstand. I was so sad and worried, I prayed & read Psalm 1 and Psalm 91 (a dear old friend once told me for spiritual 911 = go to Psalm 91:1). I called my brother and gave him the rundown, and he's bummed for me & DH because he really likes DH too, and then DH came back. He'd gotten a call from a concerned family member and had gone there, and said he brought me back something. I hugged him and told I was glad he came back, and that I love him even if he hates me and wants a divorce. I do. Even if he is a jerk again & we split or separate, I will take the high road because I am not a jerk. But he said he doesn't hate me or want a divorce, he loves me. He apologized and said he's having a hard time, very painful. I told him I know snd thst I love him & SS. He told me SS is gone but has stuff here so will return the house key to DH in a day or so.
I held my ground and said the truth. I did not offer a compromise. I don't know if DH will switch back to anger & blaming me or if he'll accept reality & start to work it out. If I need to, I will retain counsel. For tonight, I am just going to sleep in gratitude that SS apparently doesn't live here anymore.
Let me repeat: SS does not live here any more, effective today.