Needing to read up on Disengagement
Yep - so again, Feral Eldest SD19, is working her way in. ToxicTroll asked DH if he was going to provide a car for Toxic Feral SD19. His reply was that she needed her license first and then he would find something. Because he is a mechanic, people are always giving him cars and he puts 50-100 into it and it works magically!
Last time we talked (last weekend, or was it 2 weekends ago???) When Toxic Feral spewed her toxic sludge all over him, he told me that he "definitely was not providing a car for her now, that was way over..."
I suppose he had a change of heart, due to the fact that when she graduated at 17, he had promised a car if she got her license and its been over 1 1/2 years and no license. I guess there is no statutue of limitations of promises to precious daughters for cars, even when they sh!t all over you and your spouse and family members.
So, we had a very long, discussion and it wasnt good. However, I am going to read up on disengagement. Not my circus not my monkeys. If he wants to "keep his promise, and be the bigger person", or whatever, then its not my money so it has nothing to do with me. His daughter, his problem. Her allegations of abuse were all pretty much focused on him, and his family, so again, I have to repeat and repeate and repeate again, NOT MY PROBLEM. DISENGAGE.
Our arguments are so draining on both of us. I have to let it go. Its let it go, or let him go, and things without Toxic Feral have been so freaking great. But I am again reminded that she will always be his daughter, his blood, his SEED, the precious fruit of his loins. (her words, when trying to tell him what a piece of sh!t he was for being with me and defending me when she had been rude and mean and verbally abusive to me. How could I be his partner, I am so horrible! I stand up for myself!)
I had thought this might happen, read about it all here on Steptalk - the whole "but shes my daughter and no matter how bad she treats me there will always be a window open for her". How do I tell him about boundaries and the necessity for respect?
I dont. I show rather than tell. I keep my cool, instead of getting emotional. I disengage. I let him get the sludge thrown at him and let him deal with it inhis own way. If it doesnt affect me, I leave it alone.
Thank you for reading.
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Comments
Clove disengage from this
Clove disengage from this toxic girl already! You are long over due and yes your H will find a car and give it to her.....Just make sure your finances/accounts are separate and none of your money is going to funding this Gremlin. This is his child so allow him to deal with the mess that comes with her. Detach, disengage, and have NOTHING to do with her. If conversations come up you just nod and talk about something else. If H asks your opinion tell him you don't have any and give him full power to so call parent her. Don't even comment or do anything for her, he's got it!
She's not worth the stress darling.
If DH asks my advice, I give
If DH asks my advice, I give it - it's up to him whether or not he follows it.
Thank you Siempre
The Voice of Reason and Disengagement I needed!
It is still an open wound apparently, and it needs suturing and healing, quickly before these dratted holidays.
I will definitely have a "come to Jesus" moment over finances. We were simply getting by and now that we have child support payments, are really stuggling. I was hoping we could sell a car, to get by. We currently have separate bank accounts, and savings. So thats all good and well.
Not worth the tears and stress and anger. I am SO FREAKING DONE with her and her mother.
It's not about the cost, it's
It's not about the cost, it's about rewarding bad behavior.
Why does the open window have to be a material gift from him to her?
Why can't she cook him a meal or something, if she wants to be his family?
Thats the point
She hasnt been in any contact, hasnt spoken to him at all. She ghosted everyone over a year ago, including extended family, which has nothing to do with him or I. Several times, DH asked her to lunch separately, for birthday/fathers day. She completely blew him off.
Then, mid-october, she went ballistic on him, blasted him completely, tod him he is a horrible father, and that the reason he "lost her" is me, and that he will "lose" the youngest as well. So there will be no cooking of meals.
REcently she had to move, moved in with her mother and now the mother, ToxicTroll is asking on behalf of Toxic Feral, can he please get a car for her? He is doing the honorable thing, honoring a promise he made after she graduated.
His open window is communication, but he is willing to help her out as promised too.
But I agree. She has gotten away with so much, without repercussions. Stolen, lied, abused, abused trust. No repercussions. If you have read my blogs you understand - this isnt garden-variety bad behavior. IMHO.