Step Parenting an Addicts Child
I'll get straight to the point here. My step daughter is 7 years old. She has lived with us since she was 5 and Child Protective Services brought her to our home. Bio mom is an addict. She went to jail shortly after we got custody and then a rehabilitation center. I was under the impression she was basically out of the picture for good. I grew very attached to my stepdaughter and considered her my own. Fast forward 1 year later and mom is sober and wants to come back in. Ok, I had to reality check myself. This is her mother. She has rights and children need their parents if the parent is fit. It was hard for me to step back but I did. I thought I was doing the right thing. She was consistent in seeing her daughter, and we allowed more and more time for them to be together. Child seemed happier and bio mom was working and maintaining a life. During this period she was still under the supervision of the court system. She did well for a year and then was released from her ties to the court system. A week later she overdosed with the child there. I was devastated and feel personally responsible. I pushed with my husband for the bio mom because I really thought that was best. He said she would never change and I wish I had listened. Now, bio mom is in jail and thinks it's unfair that we don't want her speaking to the child. Bio Grandmother was allowed a visit and let biomom talk to child and told child not to tell us because we would "keep her away". Child came home and cried and unburdened her secrets. She is really close with the grandmother, as she raised her before we got her. I'm so torn on what to do here. I just want to help raise a happy and healthy child. Any advice would be appreciated.
Is there court-ordered
Is there court-ordered contact? If not, then DH needs to get it set up, soon. The truth is, this mother will always be a presence in the child's life - no court will take away her rights unless she abandons the child for a long period of time with absolutely ZERO contact. Even then, she won't necessarily go away completely. So I'd get used to the idea that, as your title said, you are caring for an addict's child, which means ups and downs.
The goal in that case, is to minimize the effect on the child. So get court-ordered supervised visits for the mother and stick to those. Eliminate any other contact with the mother so that she can't influence the child negatively (including, sadly, no more unsupervised time with grandma unless she gets on board). Then mom can't say she isn't allowed to see her child, but it's controlled and monitored. Court can demand she attend treatment and prove recovery to get more time with the kid.
Get the kid a good therapist, too - she's going to need it.
^^^ this
^^^ this
My SD is 11 and her BM is an addict as well. DH and BM used to have 50/50 but we started keeping her full time when the issues got worse (this was about 6 years ago). Anyway, BM has been in and out of rehab and mental institutions, has overdosed and everything. I would not count on the court to protect SD. They really (at least in my state) do not EVER take custody away from parents unless the kid has been abandoned as mentioned above. I agree to push for supervised visitation and therapy for SD. Unfortunately these are the cards the kids have been dealt, it is NOT our fault, and there is nothing we can do to change it other than to be there for them. I know it's a sad situation.
BM recently "got clean" (again) and now SD wants to stay with her full time. That is the issue I am currently dealing with. SD never stopped wishing her mother would change and she always falls for her lies and empty promises. It's a terrible cycle.
Don't count on the abandoned
Don't count on the abandoned either. Psycho abandoned for a year. Law says four months here no contact can mean loss of rights, Last calendar year For the first 7 months. She saw them ONCE in Feb. when she showed up uninvted to SD6's 5th birthday. So she was at five months when we got to court. We also had evidence of illegal drug use, unstable jobs. etc. They handed over standard visitation completely unsupervised. Let alone anything to do with even potential loss of rights.
Courts don't honestly think of the kid most of the time in these situations.
Yeah, all they have to do is
Yeah, all they have to do is send one birthday card that's signed "Mom" with nothing else, and the clock for abandonment starts all over again. It's a sad situation. Though truth is, even if the mother is out of the picture, the kids still feel abandoned.
That is true - my SD has
That is true - my SD has major abandonment issues due to BM. It's so sad to see and not really be able to do anything. My SD's BM recently was pregnant with her third child (third different daddy) and was going to let her cousin adopt the baby, so she moved across the country (where the cousin lives) when she started showing and stayed there until after the baby was born so SD and her other sister wouldn't know. Since they are family, they have seen the baby several times and BM tells them she is their cousin. They don't know they have another sister. She also overdosed while she was pregnant. I'm telling you, nothing will get the courts to take custody from mom
Ohhhh, you have one of those
Ohhhh, you have one of those BM Grannys.
Act first and deal with the fall out later.
They are trouble.
Be very VERY careful with her.
PS mom will get her daughter
PS mom will get her daughter back.
Dung beetles do not change. They
Dung beetles do not change. They eat and manipulate shit. You have done due diligence. You attempted to be supportive of this dung beetle of a BM. She had proven herself to be what she is. A dung beetle. And WombGrandHag has proven why her own daughter is a dung beetle.
DH should dedicate the entire current and future focus of parenting to shielding this little girl, protect her from the dung beetle clan, make insulating her from their crap and raising her to break the chain of the dung beetle gene pool from ruining her life.
Time for DH to go to war to get sole physical and legal custody and minimize the exposure of his daughter to the WombClan. They have proven themselves unworthy to have access to this child. BM needs no further mention and WombGrandHag has proven herself to be subversive to the best interests of this child.
Some people are a write off. BM and the WombGrandHag have proven themselves as write offs.
Protect this kid.
IMHO of course.