DD admitted to lying about SS
I apologize for not posting sooner... I needed a break. My ex and I spoke to DD.. she confessed to the whole thing. She saw what DH was provding SS . The green eyed monster got the better of her. The gulit was eating away at her and she confined in my eldest; then my eldest called me.
Her father was just as shocked as I was initially. We spoke to my eldest and she confirmed the whole thing. DD seemed very remorseful but this whole ordeal as taken a toll in the family. My ex and I got to talking and we've decided to put DD in therapy and to ensure this never happens again, she will be living a very minimalistic life. She's losing all of her privileges, her room is being striped and left with the bare essentials. She will be following a very strick routine at my house. Her father has agreed to do the same in his home. He doesn't want this happening again either. I told my her that I forgive her and I still love her regardless. And that's the truth. My trust in her has been shaken a bit.
With good behaviour she will be able to earn what she's lost but it will take time. I had finished cleaning out her room to the bare bones while she was at her Dad and while she's here, he'll do the same. As for custody, since SS is still with DH, we've agreed to keep 50:50 but if DH should move back in (I hope so), we've discussed the possibilty for DD to stay with him for a time and me seeing her out of my home.
We went to DH's place and She did apologize to DH. He forgave her. Turns out DH didn't tell SS why they moved out. DH explained that SS is just starting to get over his trust issues and should he have gotten wind of this, this would have potential sent him down hill. I did get to talk to DH in private about us and right now he needs time. Though he understands my actions, he was hurt. DH said that I had labelled SS based on his past trauma (sexual abuse victiums tend to become abusers). He went to his therapist and had asked if there was any change in his behaviour and had asked if SS showed any signs of becoming an abuser. She told him that he's traumatized of intimacy. He's afraid of even being aroused. He's putting in the effort to live a normal life and this would have destoyed him. When he said that, I felt terrible.
So as of right now, my marriage is in limbo and DD is experiencing the consequences of her actions. I haven't heard from DH for 9 days. I'm missing him like crazy but I'm respecting his request.
That's where I'm at right now.
- AvJayne's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Its great you had your daughter apologise
To your husband, it means you’re taking responsibility for being wrong and for your daughter lying and this is one of the consequences.
at least he knows you are serious about this issue but give him some time, then ask if everything is ok, how is he feeling? This is a delicate matter and your daughter’s apology won’t just make everything go away and i think your husband is doing some soul searching to figure stuff out.
does he know about the punishments you laid out for stepdaughter? Ask if he thinks there is anything more he might be able to suggest in way of punishment incase you haven’t done enough. The idea here is you are engaging him and letting him know that he and ss do matter and with the lying your daughter did of a very serious nature, that your husband does haveba right to feel adequate measures are taking place so definitely try get his input and take it from there
i know this was a hard thing to do but you know deep down it was the right thing to do
Oh gosh!!
what a sticky situation. I’m so sorry you all are going through this!
Lying is never ever ok especially when it could hurt someone vulnerable like SS.
Have you considered that her reaction to SS getting to live with you full time and having all the extra privileges is understandable? Imagine if her reaction had been slamming doors and refusing to eat dinner. Would you have taken such drastic measures to punish her? Yes, she needs to learn about how she can effect people but now her whole world is stripped and she might be banned from her mother’s house for the benefit of the SS who already has extra. Since everything is gone, what does she have left to lose? What bargaining chips do you have? What if SS does start watching her naked and suddenly she’s the vulnerable one because she’s terrified to tell?
Wow, talk about blaming the victim
Slamming the doors no where near as bad as false accusations of sexual harrasment. No where. The SS has more becuase his parents earn more.
But if OP feels this way, she should not get back with DH
Well
Whwn this story first started I was actually a little bit horrified by OP’s DH’s reaction.
”My 12 year old daughter came to me and told me that SS was watching change. I immediately went to DH with my concerns . DH wouldn't even listen to me. I wanted him to talk to SS about it but he refused. He was saying that SS is so traumatized by intimacy after being sexually abused at the hands of his stepfather that he's terrified for even being aroused.”
The DH was super ok with his son possibly starting the cycle of abuse over. Instead of taking a deep breath and talking it over with is wife for a few days, he immediately just tore the family apart to protect his son not from being a victim but from being held accountable for his possible perversion.
Where do you get that the SS’s parents have more than OP and the bio dad? It’s my understanding SS’s biomom and stepdad are rightfully in prison, hopefully getting daily beat downs. From what I got in OP’s other post, in which she didn’t deny that SS gets more, is that SS is receiving more because of his grief over the abuse. OP and her DH were even discussing moving to a whole new city just for SS. Where was the concern over what what would do to OP’s BDs?
Did the BD12 act appropriately? No. Should her jealousy and frustration be handled appropriately? Yes. I don’t believe that taking more from the kid is what will solve this. Now her resentment will shift to include SS, stepdad, biodad, OP and her own sister. In bending over backwards to make SS feel safe, it seems that the BD12 is being made to feel unwanted.
Also, maybe both sisters need to be kept from SS. Seems like the older BD has a big mouth and likes stirring up drama. What happens next when she puts a flea in SS’s ear about why the family lives separately?
Agaln, blaming everyone EXCEPT the kid who acted terribly.
I read it that Dad did not beleive the story. Seems he was right, but you dont accept that.
OP said her DH makes 4 times what she does, and can afford extras for the SS.
The older girl was NOT stirring up trouble. Her sister did.
Yes!
it doesn’t matter if hindsight shows SD lied. She did, I’m not not blaming her for how poorly she handled it. She should be punished for lying, which she should know better and definitely see the therapist to learn better ways to communicate her frustrations or sadness. OP did right by trying to protect everyone and have the adults manage what could have been a huge setback in SS’s recovery. Yes, the boy is blameless in all of this. But it doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t that DH didn’t believe her but that he didn’t want to kink shame SS if he was putting aside his shame to stare at 12 year old girls. Clearly DH can’t be trusted to protect the girls in the home if he was the one catching SS do something awful.
Does SD deserve a consequence? ABSOLUTELY. And just so you can’t say I’m blaming everyone but her - SD DESERVES CONSEQUENCES. But does she deserve to have her life napalmed? No.
You are worried about DH protecting the girls??
Again, your entire focus is on protecting the one kid who clearly screwed up. The biggest lesson the girl will learn, and if her mother has not explained this to her already she should, is that her word is no longer is good. I never said she should be napalmed, but she should have made it clear that she could have destroyed her step brothers life. That is a natural consequence. If I were the dad I would not move back into this situation.
So
Op should be concerned with protecting her husband’s son but the DH shouldn’t be concerned about protecting his son’s potential victims?
I didn’t say you think the kid’s life should be napalmed. But OP and her ex are literally stripping everything from the kid to the bare minimum.
No sympathy for her DD
Really, Her DD knew what had happened to this boy and she still went ahead and almost destroyed his life. We don't know how close the young man is from shutting down from life completely.
Drastic measures would be beating this liar's ass, until she couldn't sit for weeks. Taking everything away from her DD is nothing compared to what could of possibly happened to the victim because of her lies.
In defense of DD-12 ...
She's 12. Ego-centric still, weird growth spurts & hormonal leaps. In transition. She may look mature but her brain, pre-frontal lobe cortex, understanding of consequences is still developing. Not long ago Santa & the Easter Bunny were as real as penis' & pregnancy.
In addition, due to her parent's choices she's dumped back & forth into household's with one or more 'non-biologically-related' folk. I seriously doubt there was any serious malicious intent or fore-thought other than getting the obvious discordant note/step-sib out of her daily life. Many biosibs in a nuclear family deliberately set their brother/sister up for trouble.
Dd-12 knew accusing SS of "bad behavior" was wrong. I don't think she understood the ramifications. She's half-grown.
Adults allowed/permitted/sanctioned this situation. Initial abuse & neglect plus the subsequent tramua. Cast the responsibility on their shoes.
ETA: anyone who has worked with children in the 'middle-school/jr high years' can attest that some 12 years old may look like 3rd graders & some like juniors in high school. They are squirrels in transition.
I agree with part of what you are saying, but...
Kids now days are not as innocent as other people think they are, they know that lying is wrong, maybe she didn't know the ramifications, but she knew this would cause major issues and went ahead and lied.
Everyone on here is always saying "nip that in the nub now", when it comes to skids or DH's doing something that is causing an issue, this should be for bios too.
Lying and stealing, to me. are two of the worse things a kid can do. If they get away with it once or get catch and the punishment is lite, they think they can do it again, because the punishment isn't that bad.
IMHO, lying and stealing need to be dealt with harshly, making it a very hard lesson learned. The kid will not forget and if they do it again the punishment lasts longer.
{Hugs} to all of you ...
Truly, no one ever considers such a catastrophic blow-up when we intend to blend families ... or raise our kids ... or date & learn to love again. So, I grieve remotely for both sides of this fractured family.
I suggest you protect, nurture & parent your girls. Kindness & empathy have a place in this weird shame, blame, anger situation. Your DD likely didn't 'suddenly-out-of-the-blue-for-no-reason-at-all' wind up where she is. Likely lots of missed signals & red flags on all the parents' parts are visible in hindsight.
Discipline & consequences have a role in parenting naturally. This situation isn't in the same category as more prevalent preteen/teen infractions (shoplifting, fights, lying to avoid consequences, sneaking out.) Please get sensible professional help.
As adults we fling words and blame around, where children feel mortal wounds.
I have ALWAYS been concerned about blending
families with adolescent or close to adolescent kids of different genders. They do not have the natural lack of attraction that brothers and sisters do, just becuase their parents got married. I make certain they have appropriate privacy.
Wasn’t there
Another poster on here with a similar situation? Her son had been molested by his dad and his step sister tricked him into a sexual situation that she ultimately lied about?
I would never be around
I would never be around someone who lied about sexual abuse - EVER. She has learned what a big stink she can cause. She may or not have learned never to do it again. Too risky for her DH or SS.
OP, I personallly think that
OP, I personallly think that the consequences you and your ex are imposing on your DD are appropriate, and I'd be surprised if they're not effective. What she did was huge (nothing comparable to slamming doors, for heaven's sake), and the consequences are in keeping with that. I doubt your DD will ever make a false accusation like this again, which is the goal. It seems like good parenting to me.
I would only add
More protections of privacy. If there is not a lock on the bathroom door, get one (one that locks from the inside). make it clear to ALL kids that they MUST proceed to and from the bathroom either dressed or with a robe. ad not a flimsy one. No going in another bedroom with knocking and getting permission to come in. IDK where peeping could have occurred, but OP and DH need to figure out and elimiante.