Not Invited to Graduation Ceremony
Hello to all! So here is the situation and I need you as a sounding board....
My SS is graduating from Gr 8 and I presume each graduate received 4 tickets. At least this was the case when my SD graduated earlier at the same school. His ex is very controlling. We live common law and have been together for 5 years. My SS lives with us 50% of the time. I am fairly involved in his life or as much as you can be involved in any 14 year olds life! lol
I am sure that his ex kept 3 tickets and only gave 1 to my DH. I am never invited or included in these sorts of events and it hurts. Maybe she kept 2 extra tickets for my 2 SD's (who don't live with us and are older)? His ex is still single and bitter about our good relationship. Regardless, do you think my DH is out of line asking for a ticket for me? Should I not be invited while both my SD's attend who probably don't even care if they go? Am I being unreasonable? I would appreciate your honesty. Thoughts?
I would ask for a ticket. SS
I would ask for a ticket. SS spends fifty percent of the time at yours and your partners, and you are helping bring him up. Therefore, you should be prioritised for a ticket. If there is some cock and bull excuse to go with the lack of ticket, maybe your DH can contact the school for further information. As you may have other graduations to go to in the future don’t let her manipulate you now. Does 14 year old Ss have an opinion or are you not wishing to get him involved.
Reading back over your earlier posts
You say this kid tries to avoid talking to you. The elephant in the room is that you started your relationship with your SO while he was still married and living with his wife. As kids get older and reach puberty, they may find that more offensive. You have to accept some responsiblity for this relationship. Not certain why you want to go thte graduation.
As a side note
My DH and I started to date when he was still technically married. The separation papers had been signed and the house had been up for sale for over half a year (it sat on the market for over a year). They needed the money from the sale of the house to move into their own homes. He left the marriage following years of emotional abuse and belittling. In Canada, you cannot divorce until one full year of being legally separated.
The ex is bitter because she blamed their marriage failure ALL on him and took no fault. To her surprise and shock, someone "took" him in and is happy being in a relationship with him. This only leads to the logic conclusion that I must be just as messed up as he is or ....some of the fault in their marriage breakdown falls on her.
Anyway, after this little side diversion, thank you to DHsfamilyfromhell for your feedback : )
OP, some people on here think
OP, some people on here think dating a separated man is having an affair - ignore them.
That said, BM is likely turning the kids against you out of bitterness. Be kind to them, but take a back seat and give it time. Let DH go to the graduation without you, they are boring anyway. Tell that skid congrats and let it go.
You will need a thick skin to survive this, it’s not going to be easy.
But they were not separated
They were living together. Go back her forum topic, "Feel left out..." for the history. Her SO was living with his wife when their relatoinship started. SM has to accept that the kids may never accept her, and she had a role in that. if parents still living together, I can see kids not being accepting of her, but what I think does not matter, matters what kids think
She just said above that they
She just said above that they weren't living together, they were legally separated.
And we've been around and around these issues. Young children don't hang onto anger at one parent for leaving, unless the other parent is throwing fuel on the flames. She's even said she has a good relationship with them when they are in her home.
Go back and read her earlier posts
In your opinion, young children do not hang onto anger. IMHO, sometimes the anger intensifies when they review the timeline and are older and understand infidelity.
Yes, we have been around and around. You are entitled to your opinion, I am entitled to mine. I think divorced people are better off giving kids time.
It's obvious to me that
It's obvious to me that someone cheated on you, and you now think this is the worst possible thing that can happen to anyone ever. But in this case, IT WAS NOT AN AFFAIR. Legal separation papers had been signed by both parents and the house was on the market. Even if they were still forced to live in said house for financial reasons, THEY WERE SEPARATED FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
Did your kids hang onto anger at whoever ended your marriage? If so, are you OK with that? Do you see that as normal? If one parent wants the kids to be angry, they can accomplish that no matter how long the other parent waits to date.
Neither my kids or stepkids hang on to anger
But then again, DH and I waited before rushing into relationship.
I do not think that cheating is the worst thing that can happen, but I do think parents have a responsibility to their kids. I think that good people keep marital problems away from kids, so that kids need more time to process when they are informed. If they are not given that time, they may be angry.
My frustration lies in the
My frustration lies in the fact that you do not base your opinion on any knowledge of child development or the effect of divorce on kids, or even on what the poster is saying.
Yes, kids can use time to adjust to a divorce before a new partner comes along. That's best. But even if they aren't given time, an 8-year-old is typically not going to stay angry until FOURTEEN, unless the other parent wants it that way. PLUS, this OP says that she does get along with the kids when they are in her home, so your thought on what is going on makes no sense.
OP has earlier posts
She has post after post, earlier about not getting along with SS.
About not getting along with the SS. He may be made aware of FACTS by his older sisters. Whether he chooses to remain angry is up to him.
I guess some people think that only stepkids have to be held responsible for their decisions.
ETA - - if you move fast, you have to accept that not just the ex-wife, but grandparents, siblings, neighbors, family friends will inform younger stepkids
She posted something
She posted something different a few years ago. The story changed a bit.
You remember everyone's posts
You remember everyone's posts from years ago? I'm impressed.
I take the time to read the
I take the time to read the back history. Then the advice I give can be more informed.
I read it too. It says they
I read it too. It says they were separated when they met.
They were living in the same house
How do you think kids deal with that.
So he stays angry for 5 years
So he stays angry for 5 years? Nope. Mommy is feeding him vitriol for dinner at her house.
On my page, I can look to the side and see earlier posts
by OP. Maybe different graphics/displays on your verison.
Don't sweat the calendar
Don't sweat the calendar watching. I hooked up with a former GF the evening of the day my XW moved out of our marital home. She had been cheating for nearly the entire marriage with who knows how many cheat partners.
So as her car pulled out of the driveway following the U-Haul with her stuff in it I called the locksmith to come rekey the locks and called a former GF that I had remained friends with from prior to the marriage. The next AM my STBXW knocked on the door screaming her head off because her key didn't work. I opened the door wrapped in a towel with a beautiful blonde standing behind me wrapped in a bed sheet.
My XW was freaking out and ranting. I told her next time call and make an appointment and since she no longer lived there she would not get a new key. Then I closed and locked the door.
While we had been separated for less than a few hours... and were still months from divorce I did not consider it cheating.
I was moving on. It was therapeutic to spend time with women who just wanted to spend time with me without a hidden agenda. My XW had been executing a hidden agenda from even before the day we married. When she moved out she left a bunch of stuff including her diary. That little nugget of litterary genious saved me a ton of money in the divorce. I returned it but only after photocopying the whole thing and having each page notarized. Her lawyer hated that let me tell you.
Rags- you are a total boss!
You handed her arse to her. On a plate!
More..
Do you really think it is reasonable for this lady to be asked to take a backseat when she was at one point the only earner in the household? It’s not unreasonable to want to at least try and ask for a ticket. However, graduations seem to cause a lot of trouble... is this going to be worth the stress for you, it may be that one or two simple conversations resolves the issue (with the school or whoever you think appropriate here I guess) Also, my sons are reasonably quiet, as their neediness to have their mother around has gone and therefore if I’m lucky the will strike up a conversation with me about something every now and then. But I don’t take it as a slight.
It’s up to your DH
To get a ticket for you. The school may have exter tiickets for things like this. Or he has to insist on a second ticket from his EX. She does not control all things.
This is 8th grade graduation.
This is 8th grade graduation... hardly a significant milestone as far as graduations go.. (high school and college yes... all the other "make you feel good" graduations.. no) And honestly.. I would be overjoyed if there was no ticket for me to one of these "yawner" events while I hear name after name called out and boring speeches..lol. Shoot, I didn't even attend MY OWN graduation ceremony when I got my masters degree.
But, I can see from other posts that you are upset about being excluded and not feeling a full part of the household. I can also see being frustrated with the thought that BM controlled the situation by hogging the tickets and not splitting them 50/50 between her and her EX.
I will briefly address the issue of the start of your relationship because while I am NOT sitting here trying to brand you with a scarlet letter.. there ARE issues that can arise out of dating a man before they are fully unencumbered.. up to and including extra rancor from the EX and resentment from the kids that your presence was a nail in the coffin of their parent's relationship. Sure.. in those situations.. they should be madder at your SO.. but esp kids are more likely to be mad at the "new" person.. and probably also have extra piled on via the BM making the kid feel like they are in a loyalty bind if they like you. So, while they may have been separated.. they WERE still living together (until they could sell the home) Perhaps the kids still held out some hope of their parents reconciling? Then there is the matter of BM possibly having the attitude.. "I don't want him.. but don't want anyone else to have him". so having your relationship "under their noses" so to speak could be adding some extra fuel to the fire.
For these types of reasons.. I would advise someone to wait until their SO is divorced because it can complicate things.. can make a BM more reluctant to "play nice" in negotiations.. can give the kids the impression that the new person is somehow adding to their parent's split. I'm not saying that people in your position ARE cheating.. but I think that often people in your position experience some of the same fallout and risks.
In any case.. that is the past (though it might contribute to coolness).
For this situation, if you truly want to be at this graduation (for a kid that doesn't seem to want a big relationship though.. why?) your SO can ask his EX about the tickets. Honestly, I think that his siblings or grandparents should get first dibs over you... but your SO can even approach the school and ask if there are any extra tickets.
But, in the end, this isn't something I would make into a line in the sand. It's not an out of town wedding that you didn't get an invite to. It's a local graduation for his son.. from 8th grade.. This is a kid you admit to not even having a super close relationship with.. despite the fact that he significantly spends time in your home. Why.. do you just want to assert and prove "your position".. pee all over your SO in public to show his EX that you won?
I mean, I don't feel that stepparents need to be included in EVERYTHING to do with a child that isn't theirs. I did attend my OSD's wedding.. I didn't attend the showers etc.. where her mother was in a lauded position. I sent a lovely gift and my regrets knowing that my presence would be more stressful for her than anything else. Plus.. I didn't have to go..lol.
I mean, sure.. if your SO can score tickets.. great.. go. But, not sure I would be making a very big deal of this.
Call the school and get your
Call the school and get your own tickets. If you are not comfortable with that have DH call. Quit being BM's victim and getting all butt hurt because she excludes you. Take control and be present whether she likes it or not.
Have fun twisting her nose and rubbing it in the stench of her manipulations.
You do realize that OP started her relationship with her SO
When he was legally married and living with his ex. Not certain where the stench comes from
SMH
SMH
Nope, I was not aware of the
Nope, I was not aware of the history. Regardless BM can be taken out of the picture when it comes to Skid school events by daddy or SM being in direct contact with the school. Minimizing the blended family oppositions ability to manipulate is always a good thing IMHO.
Why would you want to go anyway?
I've been to a few skid school concerts and things. I thought it was total shit lol. Not my kids, so why would I want to see them attempt to act or attempt to play an instrument and prance around the stage? Yawn, total bloody boredom.
I can see my post generated a lot of discussion : )
Just got in after attending my bio 22 year old son's graduation! There were 1000 graduates in his ceremony alone and a total of 10,000 graduates in the whole college spread over 3 days and 9 ceremonies. Of course only 2 tickets per graduate so I had the pleasure of attending with my ex! Luckily I only had to see him after the ceremony for the "family pictures" .
I couldn't help but wonder how many other people were in the same boat? Probably a good 40 - 50 percent of them statistically anyway.
My DH called the school and got another ticket. I got home late so I didn't get a chance to see if anything transpired from that? I do however, think he took the high road by not asking her for one more ticket. My DH is a good man but he hates conflict. We have worked through so many issues over the years dealing with his inability to stand up to his ex and put my needs before her's. These graduations are the only things that continues to bring these issues to the surface. Ex Wife was VERY controlling and emotionally belittled him throughout their marriage. This seems to be the last area that he continues to not stand his ground. He has mostly disengaged from her emotionally and is now leading a healthy life with the occasional trigger here and there which reminds him of the misery and helll of his past life. He doesn't admit to being emotionally "abused" though because of his male ego.
For the most part, his ex wife stays away and honestly me and my DH have very little contact. They seem to coparent reasonably well mainly by text.
Btw in Canada, you must be separated for at least one year before you can file for divorce which often is a lengthy process and a shit show if property and custody are being contested. It is true that in Canada, common law is viewed in many ways the same as legal marriage. Honestly, I don't want to marry again...be there and done it! I respect those who do remarry but personally I really don't feel the need at least right now in all honesty.
In Canada, it is quite common for people to date during their one year separation and while going through the divorce proceedings which can take a year or more depending on how much $ the lawyers are trying to suck out of you! ...Who knows maybe as a country we do lack morals!? Lol....Honestly though most people who fit this category are good people and not "cheaters". We quickly morph into a wholesome responsible parental role when the kids (bio and step) are around so they view us as basically sexless lol! But when they are gone.....lmao! ; )