Stepkids have invaded my home.
Backstory: I have 3 bio boys from a previous marraige 18, and twins11. I have 50/50 custody of them and get along fairly well with their dad. 4 years ago, I met and fell in love with my now DH. He has 2 kids of his own from two previous relationships B13 and G6. He had 50/50 of his daughter and EOWE with his son. We've been married for almost 3 years now and when we married, he moved in with my kids and me. Fast forward to this past July. My SD6's very HCBM moved an hour away right before SD6 was to start kindergarten. Neither BM or DH would be able to take SD6 to school everyday and continue their 50/50 because of their jobs. So in a temporary hearing, the judge said even though both parents took good care of SD, our home would be the most stable so we got temporary full custody. THEN out of no where, SS13 decided he wanted to live with us too full time (I guess he didn't want to be the only one left out)
So, now DH's kids live there more than mine. On the weeks that my kids are gone, I feel like a guest in my own home. SD6 and SS13 require all my DH's attention and he and I are not able to have a simple conversation without being interrupted. To make matters worse, when one of the SKs does rudely interrupt, DH shuts down whatever I'm saying and addresses whatever random question they have. So I usually give up and go in another room by myself. I've been spending a lot of time alone in my home even though other people are in it.
NOW TO THE ISSUE: SS13 is pretty docile and doesn't need a lot of tending to or "babysitting" so it hasn't been that much of a transition since he came to live with us full time. His BM is not HC either and he goes to her house every weekend so fairly smooth there. On to SD6. SD6 has been a lot different of a story since she has come to us full time. FYI SD6 is very needy, clingy, and immature for her age. Even DH realizes that. She has the maturity that my boys had when they were about 3. She is very attached to her BM and is constantly saying this last few months that she misses her. We know her BM is filling her head with a lot of the things she's been saying lately but can't prove it. BM is very HC. She calls, emails, texts, or calls the cops daily trying to start drama. I try to remove myself from all of it and let my husband deal with it alone, but that's not always possible because I have to watch the clingy 6yo everyday from the time she gets out of school, until DH gets home at 6:30. It's making it very difficult to do simply things I used to be able to do before she came like go to the grocery store witout kids, or run errands. On the weeks my boys are there and even on some when they aren't, it's difficult to run them to their ball practices and games. I want my life back before all the custody changes! How do I tell my DH that I want him to allow SD6 to go live with her BM like she wants to, without making it sound like an ultimatum? I know I may sound selfish and feel guilty enough about that already, but I did NOT want to raise his kids for him full time. If SD6's BM was neglectful or abusive I would feel differently about sending SD6 to her, but she's not. She's just HATEFUL. If things don't change in some way, I don't see my marraige lasting much longer. My kids are unhappy with the arrangement too and voice it to me often. We fill like we've been invaded. HELP!
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Are you a stay at home mom? I
Are you a stay at home mom? I couldn't tell from your post, but it sounds like you are home during the day, and that's why DH utlizes you as after school care for SD6....
I work full time
I am a teacher so my hours are about the same as the kids and vacation schedules. So every second of my afternoon after work are consumed with his children until he gets home from work.
If you are a teacher.. I
If you are a teacher.. I imagine you have lesson plans to prepare and papers to grade every day... and you need to explain that you can't care for the child while you do your work. He needs to arrange after school care for his daughter.
Hateful and alienating is
Hateful and alienating is abuse. It may not be broken bones and bruises, but it is harmful, as you can see by SD's behavior.
My suggestion to kick off the conversation with DH:
"DH, SD clearly misses her mom, and I am not going to be the replacement mom for her. I'm not who she wants, and me caring for her everyday is only going to make her and I's relationship worse. I think she needs both therapy and a distraction. I think she needs to be in daycare after school so she can interact with other kids until you get home, and I think you need to find her a therapist to talk to about her feelings."
SD is likely clingy because she feels like BM abandoned her, and BM probably tells her that DH "stole SD" from her. SD doesn't want to lose her stable parent, and BM just feeds into her fear. The only way to help SD is to allow her to form friendships and connections outside the house (day care) and be given strategies to cope with her feelings (therapy). Your DH may need to look at adjusting his schedule at work to accomodate this.
I'd also recommend to DH that he have an attorney send BM a cease and desist letter and go to email-only communication. He needs to smack her hand with court orders until she stops. He currently has the upper hand, and he NEEDS to act like the custodial parent he is and get BM to knock it off. He needs to shine a very bright light on her BS tactics - but that takes work.
He has to see this behavior as abuse, and he needs to take the same approach to it as if BM were beating the girl black and blue.
As to not wanting to live with kids full time...unfortunately, that is a gig we potentially sign up for when we marry someone with kids. If the issue is more feeling like a guest in your own home, then I highly recommend buying a new house with DH that is mutually yours.
I may have worded it wrong
Yes BM tries to alienate SD from her dad, I agree. BUt the hateful part is I meant toward my DH. She is not hateful to her daughter. If anything, she babies her so badly that she is stunting SD maturity growth. Sorry for the confusion.
If you work from home.. then
If you work from home.. then I would tell my DH that you are not available to watch SD in the afternoons because you are working and just because you work from home... doesn't mean your job and income are any less important.
Now, I do have to say.. that while I "get" that your kids are having issues adjusting to the SK's being around on a regular basis.. THEY don't have the right to dictate what the adults decide. Ostensibly, your DH has the right to have his kids live with him in the home.. just as you have that right. It is an adjustment because your kids were used to just their own presence.. but they do need to accept that it isn't their choice.. and hopefully you aren't agreeing or encouraging their frustrations.
But, if you are working.. then your DH should be taking care of child care for his child.. arranging after school activities etc.
I work full time
I do work full time and my children do not feel they have the right to decide anything in our home except what to eat for dinner occasionally. They have just seperately come to me privately explaining how they feel. I've told each of them that we are all trying to adjust and we will have to figure out our new "norm".
If this is impacting you and
If this is impacting you and your kids you have to have a serious conversation with your H and ask him to make other arrangements of after school care as this is affecting you & yours. He has his kids full time now so he can more than afford it. You have to tell him your wants and needs and he needs to step it up and do what is best for you all. This is an adjustment for you as well and outside of his kids you have yours to tend to as well. He may not like it but I wouldn't give him a choice or an option.....it is, what it is.
Wishing you the best!
Why is the 13yr old not watching his sister if you have
errands?
Plenty at that age of 13 are babysitting neighbors kids or cousins and siblings etc..
Some kids are too much for a
Some kids are too much for a sibling to handle. My DD8 is way too much work. I never leave her with her older siblings (both 13).
She's extremely needy
As I mentioned before, she is extremely needy and immature for her age. I don't think the older boys have the patience to handle her for more than a few minutes alone at a time. She does have a great aunt that she is very close to who would probably love to watch her for a few hours in the afternoons. I will talk to my husband about it this weekend when all of the kids are gone.
I think you need to focus on
I think you need to focus on the fact that you are still working during those hours and that she needs more than you can provide.