When you finally realize you have a DH problem
All roads certainly lead to BM no doubt but DH putting his head in the sand all of these years has contributed to our problem with BM. BM is crazy and toxic and we sure have dealt with a lot through the years.
Please no judgement I am looking for help today as I will be honest this site has been a saving grace to me to vent how I feel and get advice. I have no close friends and unfortunately the only family I have was my mother and since she died I tell no one. When I need to vent I post here as many do. But in my recent issue I have realized that while of course no doubt in my mind BM is crazy and toxic it is my DH's head in the sand approach that has made me finally realize it is his response that causes the issue for me more than what BM does.
As to not make this long a little background for those that have not read any of my posts. BM and DH have Grown kids so there should be no issue. But since they did not parent very well, they are both in their later twenties and live like they are teenagers. DH is upset with that and actually tried many times but because dealing with toxic BM was so horrific he could only intervene so much. She was more fun and did what the kids wanted so they ignored his parenting.
Once the kids were old enough 21 we blocked her and she called constantly day and night harassing my husband and calling me names etc. She has caused all sorts of issues through the years to many to mention. She used to verbally attack me when I would attend the kids plays and school graduations. It was awful to the point where I had to stop going. Through the years she has turned the kids against me and they barely to speak to DH. It all boils down to her wanting my husband back. She has manipulated 100 excuses to get him to contact her which he never does. She borrows other peoples phones to contact him to the point where we have over 40 numbers blocked. My God we have been married for 18 years now and it still has not stopped. She has tried many many tactics to master manipulate herself into our lives. Through my in-laws through other relatives, finding out things we were doing from the kids and showing up at the same place as us. It is a small town and hard to avoid.
So what brings me here today. She is back at it again. We never go very long more than 6 months without her bothering us in some way. Since topics seem to be searchable I would prefer not to say exactly what she did but I will say that she has master manipulated herself into our lives and now with us possibly running into her daily. So when I bring this up to DH and list the possible things that could happen, he acts like I am the problem for worrying about things that have not happened yet. Maybe they haven't in this situation yet but in all of the past situations they have. He sees me as the problem because I am bringing up what could happen. I am sick to my stomach thinking that this is going to start all over again. He basically says he doesn't care about her or what she does and it doesn't bother him and it shouldn't bother me. So since it does bother me I am the problem not BM for constantly bothering us and manipulating herself into our lives.
So this is where I am at today and where I need your help please. Part of me is so freaked out I want to throw-up. I have had this situation in my life for more years than I can count and now realize first that it is never going to end and second that is because DH refuses to deal with it. While BM is toxic and crazy, my bigger problem is my DH for letting this go on so many years. And before I get those that will say he likes BM or whatever. The head in the sand approach is how he deals with EVERYTHING not just BM. So yes I have realized bigger than our problem with BM is my problem with DH.
And so the other part of me says BM has tried everything to get DH back in her life. She thinks it is me that keeps him from her, that I block the numbers and force him not to talk to her. Which funny as this is ok so say if that was true which it is not, why would he do that to please me if he didn't want to be with me and for 18 years but whatever. But so maybe the other part of me is saying, if I could find a way to resolve myself with this maybe just maybe this would be the thing that would work. If BM sees that ok even if she is in his everyday life where he could run into her and he still doesn't care or show any interest maybe she will get it?? She is bipolar so maybe I am dreaming but I am at the end here.
What do you think? I must say even if I try the second part all the drama she could cause trying until she gets it is making me sick to my stomach. I can not stand the drama anymore. Please help.. constructive only please I am fragile today...
Talk to your lawyer about how
Talk to your lawyer about how best to cut her out of your lives - be it with a cease and desist letter or a no contact order. There is no reason for her to be in your business AT ALL. Have you kept any records of her antics? You might be able to go after her for harassment and from there to a legal means of keeping her at bay.
Yes, this is a great start!
Yes, this is a great start! Even if your DH doesn't want to join in, there are things that she may be aiming just at you that could qualify. Here's a link: https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Restraining-Order
Also, many SMs, more than most would think, can suffer from chronic post-traumatic stress disorder. I've referred to being a SP as death by a thousand paper cuts, but those cuts can really start to add up, and no one sees the thousands of slashes that have occurred to you emotionally over the years. Since you are not mom or dad, you don't have the untouchable celebrity status, per se, that they do, and just because they are able to bury their fear of so-and-so, that doesn't mean you have to or can.
Here is a link to chronic post-traumatic stress disorder: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
The big thing missing from your life are any feelings of empowerment or control. Because your DH chooses to just brush everything off, having a strange woman (and that is what she is to you) calling your house, intruding, etc., you have real concerns and fear. Any woman would.
Your DH should be having zero contact with this woman. And, he should not be attending any events she is at, regardless. If he is going to events where she is at to "be with the kids" while you are at home, nope!, that should not going on at all. He can see the kids outside of being around her. If he keeps wanting to hang around her or communicate with her, who knows?, he could be playing both of you. Seriously. Be very direct with your DH, even to the point of giving him an ultimatum.
No one wants to be married to a man or anyone who continually dismisses their geniune fear. It doesn't even matter the reason why. It is almost the equivalent to your husband continuing to play Russian Roulette, even when you have asked him to stop over and over. Very hard to take. At some point, you may just have to say, "You want to keep playing, fine, I'm gone and out the door. That way, when things blow up, I won't be around to see it." Take care of yourself, please.
Thank you Yes....
I have records and recorded phone messages. I have printed all the text messages and messages that she sent others to be sent to me.
She has a pattern. First she acts all nice and then when she is ignored it escalates till it gets to the point where she makes contact and threatens. I have seen the pattern so many times in all of these years I know what to expect. We used to be able to re-treat and get away from her but now I don't know how that is going to work.
It sounds like an aweful
It sounds like an aweful situation to have had it go on for so many years and then to be told that it is your fault by your husband makes it so much worse. I can think of three things that you could try that might help.
You can ask your husabnd not to talk to you or tell you anything about BM so that you have no knowledge of the drama that is happening in his life caused by her.
You could ask your husband to see a therapist with you so that you can get some help explaining your point of view and expereinces to him and to help him realize that he could help ease some of your burdens (and some of his) by making different choices.
If you fear that BM is going to be contacting you directly then I would pre-emtively contact a lawyer or your local police about what you can do if she starts contacting you. Find out what steps you need to take to record incidents and what to do with any evidence to get her charged with harrasement or to get some sort of restraining order. Or perhaps just a firmly worded letter from a lawyer would work to scare her off.
Obviously the first two suggestions only work if your husband is willing to cooperate, but the last one you can do on your own and do not need him to agree to or to do anything towards.
Thank you all good advice
And i would like to say I could ask DH not to tell me but the bottom line is it always ends up in my lap and I don't like to be caught off guard. So honestly I know I could not do that as good of advice as it is.
She only tries to contact me directly when she tries and tries to get my husband to respond to her and he won't. Then she blames me for his ignoring her.
You are 100% correct that the
You are 100% correct that the source of the issue is really DH - he could have stopped this long ago, with legal action and restraining orders, etc.
BM here is also diagnosed bipolar, and while she is not nearly as crazy as BM in your situation, she tried a lot of that intrusive stuff in the beginning and DH shut it down right away. It never got to the point of restraining order, but at one point she did try to come into our house to "rescue" SS and DH shoved her out the door and slammed the door in her face. She called the police who threatened to arrest HER. DH told her to not step foot on his property again other than to let SS out of the car (we live on a busy road so curbside is not an option) and she hasn't.
Your DH should have taken action, but you can, too - and should have when she harassed you at events, etc. It's not too late - do it now. 18 years of torture is plenty.
I know I do understand what you are saying
I should have. My husband told her to get away from me and not to speak to me that way. Honestly I don't know back in those days I guess I thought it would stop and I also did not want to make it worse for the kids or make them not like me if I called the police on their mother. Fast forward 18 years they hate me anyway because she tells them stories about me so a case of hindsight.
The title of your post has been my realization, too
But, in my case I don't have a BM that's intruding so it's all an internal issue.
At least you can do something directly about your issue. You don't need your DH. You can go get a cease-and-desist letter sent and a restraining order and such stuff.
I would say that it long past
I would say that it is long past time that you take a full confrontation stance with BM. Do not avoid her, confront her. Publicly, loudly and continuously any time she approaches you or DH for any reason.
Contact a lawyer about an RO/PO that keeps her far away from you and be at DH's side which keeps her far from him as well. See if a no contact order is a possibility and record any calls she makes then smack her with a contempt motion any time she even thinks about violating any legal structure you can build.
If she confronts you, defend yourself in a way that leaves her sniveling and in tears. Publicly is better.
Small towns know what is what so make sure that her bullshit is well known and the mainstay of gossip in the town.
Quit hiding. Live large and live proud. Make her the one who has to hide under the sideways glances of the whole town.
Make sure that DH knows that you are done tolerating her crap and that if he is not man enough to deal with her crap you will in ways that will be far more brutal than anything he would do to protect the marriage.
Have fun. No quarter and zero tolerance.
Good sound advice........
I LOVE what you have said here!!!! Wish I had heard this advice long before!!! and most certainly before this latest stunt.
Because of the way in which she has manipulated herself into our lives she is going to be hard to get rid of.
However instead of waiting idly by for the other shoe to drop I am going to be vocal about just exactly who and what she is and does.
I agree with all the
I agree with all the restraining order advice. You can get one regardless of what your DH does. Please do.
It really pisses me off when our "men" fail to protect us from their exes. Like, just because you liked her enough to sleep with her and don't mind her around, i should feel the same way. I can tell you, though, if the shoe was on the other foot and some dude you used to be with did all these things to intrude on his life, neither you nor society would just expect him to take it. F this "stepmoms are either evil or martyrs" mentality. You should not have to put up with ANY of this. The kids are adults ffs!!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Thank you!!!!
I never should have. I guess for a while I thought maybe ignoring her would make her go away. I also didn't want the kids to hate me. I must admit it bothers me when people don't like me and I don't know how everyone else feels but it bothers me soooooooo badly to have my husband attached to all of these people that don't like me. I have been nice to everyone and don't and didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. The only that I did was meet and marry my husband AND because of that they hate me. So what gets me about that is here it is his fault that all of this is happening to me and where is he??? Burying his head in the sand and expecting me to do the same.
By burying his head in the
By burying his head in the sand... his ass is in the perfect position for a swift kick. Don't let him off of the hook. Make him stand there and watch as you destroy his X. Since he won't protect you and your marriage, he can have his ass bared as the coward that he is.
He needs to learn that compared to BM, you are a force to be reconed with and if he chooses anything other than to have your back and to be your equity life partner the pain will be intolerable for him.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. The BM here was similar, to the point I got a stalker order against her. I really empathize with you and my situation has only been 5 years. I cannot imagine 18 years of that. Take care of yourself and know you are not alone. XOXO
Thank you ..
I am sorry for you as well. It is extremely difficult!!
Did you say BM is finding out
Did you say BM is finding out about events via DH's family? Really....They need to be told by DH to knock it off. Where is the loyalty of dh and you his wife. Sorry but that is garbage if I understood you correctly. DH's family has no business talking to bm knowing what bm has done to you.
Hire a lawyer to send out a strongly worded letter to BM. Giving examples of the harassment. Your lawyer will write if bm doesn't stop immediately, LAWYER has instructed you, Mrs dh, to file a protection order against her AND ask for all relieve the court will provide Mrs. Dh such as all court costs, restitution.
DH should be protecting you...what is really going on.?
Not anymore .... she used to
get info from my MIL ... but since she doesn't because BM finally did something bad to my MIL... MIL never cared when BM was causing problems for us but funny how when BM put some words in MIL mouth then MIL saw the light .... I still don't trust MIL and only talk to her when I have too!!
The kids know where we are and tell her. Like they will know where we are going on New Years Eve for dinner and we get there and BM shows up.
Practice your llines
"What do you want? You are following us around AGAIN? What is wrong with you?"
"Lady, after 18 years you may need it spelled out to you. He is not coming back. Not. Go. Away"
"Your kids? Spare me! Your kids do not care if I live or die."
"You AGAIN? Are you following me? Where is my phone? I am sick of this nonsense. I am calling the police."
"Go. Away. You are BORING!"
"PULEASE! Get a hobby. I am not interested in your name calling. "
"Lady, I have a restraining order that will have you locked up in an minutes if you do NOT get out of my face!"
You have to get tough with these kinds of women. Softly softly does not make it stick. Slam her with smart words, do not use curse words and make it very uncomfortable for her to be around you. Or you can start mentioning to all and sundry she has an unhealthy interest in you and you are worried she might push her affections on you. That may work....
Scripts are awesome for being
Scripts are awesome for being ready with an effective and swift cutting remark. Even if the exact situation that the script is prepared for does not occur, having the script gives readily modified comments to apply to historic and likely repeated toxic opposition behaviors.
Great advice.
Very good scripts indeed!!
I think I have been too quiet for too long. In such a small town I feel it makes people believe her!!
I have reminded hubby when he gives up and says why can’t
you all get along, i remind him that its his fault for not addressing the issues earlier on but making excuses then things spiral out of control and he claims he’s stressed and doesn’t want to fight, doesn’t want the drama.
The drama and issues are because you do not have appropriate boundaries set with the exwife or your kids. You’ve been too chicken shit to address them and you haven’t cared for or respected me enough to even fix this mess
THIS ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ . A thousand
THIS ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ . A thousand times this. He's not stuck in the middle. You are, because by retreating, he's forced you to either suck it up and take it and be a wimp like him or to come out fighting for you and yours. Most women, incidentally, decide to come out fighting, and that is how they wind up with the so-called Evil SM label, simply for trying to protect themselves and their household with DH.
I always tried to take the high road hoping
it would stop. You are so right that is how most women would handle it. I have told my husband before he is lucky that I am not like that and that when she came up to me at school functions I just went and took a seat and ignored her. I do feel and hope that she looked like the idiot not me but I should have stood up long ago!!
You are so right I do believe that SM's in general are just trying to protect their marriage and how sad that we always have to be on guard in that way. But you are right we do!!
Worst part is he doesn't see himself in the middle he hates her too and doesn't want to be involved in the kids daily drama. But he has a different way of handling it than I do ... He thinks just ignore it and I have realized that the whole situation has just made my world smaller.
When a man OR a woman for
When a man OR a woman for that matter, tells you "I am stuck in the middle"
it is because they put themselves there.
I must say that I am not feeling any better..
I have made some decisions though one way or another it has got to stop! Either, we work out yet another plan for our lives and maybe get some counseling or we get some legal counseling as in splitting up .... That is not what I want but I can not go on like this with that nut coming into our lives.
As I have said she will have the opportunity to be part of our everyday life either directly by running into her or indirectly by talking about us to people we know and until she does something to screw up we can not get rid of her. I think that is why I am so upset. I would love to say how she will be in our lives but I'm afraid my post could be searched. Try to imagine something that someone could do to be part of your every day life that you have no control over them being there I bet you could figure it out without me having to say.
I think if its doable, you
I think if its doable, you should plan on moving far away from your small town. You will never be free from her until she dies or you move. Its not fair, I know, but you can't keep on living this way. My world became very small for a few years until the skids aged out and the CO was over. Its not a fun way to live. Shut all social media down tight, eliminate any people that spill the beans to her, and do not hesitate to use the law against her to make her behave. I've called the cops on BM and what a liberating moment that was for all involved. It screams "no more doormat".
You have sacrificed 18 plus years to this situation and what do have to show for it? PTSD and other stresses. Time for drastic measures that put your best possible future first. If DH wants to come along great, if not well......
On the adult forum is a woman who suffered at the hands of her SD aka Twit. She's driving me is her name. Read her story and how she is getting out of it all. She's a real inspiration.
That you so much Survivingstephell !!
Thank you so much for your comments. Wonderful post!! When I was reading it I could tell you have a good handle on my situation! I had never thought of it as PTSD but it so is. I spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what is she going to do next. But this current one is pretty bad.
We are planning to move but still not for a few years. I would go today but DH seems to drag his feet a bit on the plans. Thankfully neither of us has any interest in being on Social Media. And there are instructions to friends and family that no one else is to put anything about us on Social Media either.
Thank you for the info I will look for her comments